I can not tolerate people who are “stuck up” (Not to be confused with people with sticks stuck up their asses. I LOVE them kinds of peoples)
When I say “stuck up” I do not mean “confident” or “self assured”. I admire women like that and hope that someday I can be a confident person. I’m talking people who think they are better than the rest of the human race because they buy $500 handbags or because they “aren’t fat”. I’m talking about the people who NEVER SHUT THE HELL UP about how great they are and how much everyone loves them and how everyone in the world wants to be just like them. I’m talking about people who can’t shut the hell up long enough to listen to other people and realize that the WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND THEM.
I also have a hard time tolerating the people who can not say “I’m sorry” when they’ve acted like a dick or hurt someone with their inconsiderate ways because, you know, they ARE PERFECT and NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG.
You ram your grocery cart into me because you were being a dick and not paying attention? “I’M SORRY, I totally shouldn’t have been standing here minding my own business!”
You scream at me because YOU’VE had a bad day and you haven’t even bothered to ask me what kind of a day I’ve had? “I’m SO SO SORRY!”
You don’t like something I write here? “Oh my God! I’m SORRY!”
I really have to stop that sorry shit.
Guess what?
I’M NOT SORRY!
So, that’s what’s pissing ME off on this lovely Friday morning.
That and tom cruise NOT SHUTTING THE FUCK UP ABOUT ANTI DEPRESSANTS ALREADY. Surely, there has got to be a way to make him stop. This probably won’t work, but hey, at least people are trying.
Category Archives: random
Women with flaws UNITE!
Yesterday I spent the day at Knotts with my entire family (minus my youngest brother, who got stuck at work) for Ethan’s birthday.
It was an incredibly fun day. We don’t get to see my brother often, being that he left us to move to Texas, (or, as Melly calls it, ASS. HAHA My brother lives in ASS!) so my boys loved every minute of the day. Well, maybe not the minute where we were 2046094 feet in the air waiting for the ride to drop and my brother was telling Andrew “You just made the biggest mistake of your life!”, but every other minute was pure awesomeness.
This morning I was able to read through the comments on my last post and I am reminded WHY I love having this blog. I almost shut comments down on that post because it was so deeply personal, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to hear what anyone had to say on the matter. Like “No! You’re stretch marks are AWESOME!” Or “You’re right. You’re disgusting! How DOES your husband keep from puking all over you when he looks at you?” You never know what people are going to say. I’m glad that I kept them open. It’s comforting to know that there are other women out there, who have stretch marks on their belly’s and have the insecurities and hatred that come along with them. Not that I wish any other woman to feel the way I do, or LOOK the way I do, but it’s empowering to be able to talk openly and honestly about the fact that we ALL struggle with body issues and that we can find strength in each other’s experiences.
CHEESE ALERT. CHEEEEEESE ALERT.
Seriously though, thank you to all of you who have been so honest in your replies. It means more to me than you know.
Yeah… I’m scared! JEALOUS?
EARTHQUAKE!!
You people have no idea how scared I get when these things happen.
I always think it’s just the beginning and an even bigger one is coming.
Which would mean that we’re going to lose power and water, so I run to the toilet, pee, then I take a shower. That way I’m clean and emptied, just in case that happens.
I try to stay calm now that I have kids, because THEY freak out and being their mother, I’m supposed to reassure them that everything is going to be ok.
Before I had kids? I would run to the toilet and scream “I’m sorry God, for everything, please, don’t let me die.”
Now, I pretend to be calm, make sure the kids are ok, hug them, THEN I go pee and cry a little inside.
It’s the feeling of having absolutely NO control over what is happening that scares me.
It was 5.6. Damn. Ok. I’m better now. I think.
Remember, for only $459,000 you too can share in my joy
I honestly did not think it was possible for me to LOVE this neighborhood more than I already do. (no, seriously, The White Trash-iness grows on you!! Honest!)
Ex boyfriends living on the hill across the street from your house because their girlfriend’s parents have a restraining order against them. Potato launchers at 2 in the morning. People walking across the street with a rifle in one hand and a beer in the other at 11 in the morning. Having to open your window and yell at your neighbors to ‘SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY’ at 4 in the morning. Neighbors yelling “PUT YOUR TRASH IN THE BACKYARD BECAUSE I’M HAVING AN OPEN HOUSE TODAY AND I CAN’T SELL MY HOUSE WITH ALL YOUR TRASH” at other neighbors out of their car window.
Oh, the joy. The GREAT JOY.
So, imagine the happiness I felt when I woke up, opened the blinds and my eyes were assaulted surprised with this precious gem…
Squirt THIS
Just got back from lunch with a friend.
A friend who used to be my neighbor, but who did something really selfish, and moved away from me.
How dare her!
We decided to go to Rainforest Cafe so the babies would be somewhat entertained. After looking over the menu, we decided we both wanted the fried BUFFALO chicken salad.
It’s extremely important to me that you understand it said “BUFFALO chicken.” It didn’t not say “plain ol’ chicken strips with squirts of buffalo sauce.” It did not say “Straight up chicken strips.” It said BUFFALO chicken.
Ok.
I have to admit, I was totally excited about this salad. I had high expetations for how awesome it was going to be. Do you have any idea how GREAT buffalo sauce and blue cheese dressing are together? DO YOU?
The waitress sets our plates down.
I noticed something was terribly wrong, but before I got chance to say anything, Trish holds the “buffalo” chicken up and proclaims “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
Ah! It was a total SQUISH THE FOAM moment.
It wasn’t buffalo chicken, my friends. Oh no.
It was a FREAKING CHICKEN STRIP WITH A SQUIRT O’BUFFALO SAUCE.
Trish was all “Am I supposed to spread the sauce with a basting brush?”
And I was all “Seriously. THE MENU DOESN’T SAY A SQUIRT OF SAUCE. It says buffalo chicken!”
Don’t be squirting a little sauce on a chicken strip and calling it “buffalo chicken”. Latina’s get PISSED when you do that.
That was over an hour ago and as you can clearly see, I’m still pissed about it.
I TAKE MY FOOD SERIOUSLY. Not that you’d know that by looking at me, or anything.
It’s not even punny
I remember the first time a woman referred to her period as “Aunt Flow.”
“I got a visit from aunt flow today.”
“You have an aunt named flo?”
“No. ‘Aunt FLOW?‘? *wink wink* You know… Aunt F-L-O-W.?”
GET IT?!
Ohhhhh. Aunt FLOW. YOUR PERIOD! I get it now! HAHAHAHHA.
That was at least 10 years ago.
Did you know people still say that? And they still think it’s funny?
Guess who aint who laughing anymore? Aunt “rhymes with HI”. (Get it, “Hi” rhymes with “Y”?!)
See, that wasn’t funny either.
So, please, for the love of me, STOP REFERRING TO YOUR PERIODS AS AUNT FLOW.
If you don’t, I’m going to start referring to my vagina as Aunt Tuna.
Thanks for making me look schtupid
On our recent trip to Knotts Berry Farm, my son, Andrew, decided he wanted to spend his 20 bucks on a piece of crap gun.
I tried to talk him out of it.
“Baby, there’s nothing special about that gun and I promise you it will break before the week is over. Save your money for something you really want!”
Of course, he didn’t listen to me. I could have flat out told him “NO!” but it was his money he got for his birthday, so I let him make his own decision.
I totally left out the part about the mexican “I no speaky english” woman who cut in front of my kids in line and got a whole lotta me in her face
For some reason, that picture describes exactly how I feel at this very moment. I lie a little. “Exactly” would look more like this. (Because my left boob is all clogged up again and is as big as the head of an adult human being. And hard as a rock. And all veiny. AND? HURTING PRETTY BADLY) But other than that one, er two minor details, that picture TOTALLY describes how I feel.
Large, lazy, hairy AND very hungry.
We spent Saturday at Knotts Berry Farm for my husband’s company picnic. It’s always awesome to spend the day with my family, but it’s NOT awesome to spend the day with my two BOYS who are SCARED OF ROLLER COASTERS or any ride that even looks remotely scary/unsafe/capable of breaking down and getting stuck.
“They’re just kids. They don’t have to ride if they don’t want to. It’s natural for them to be scared.”
Yeah, yeah. WHATEVER.
They’re not 3. They’re almost 8 and 12 years old. And they REFUSE to even try any of the rides and oh how pissy that makes me.
I was terrified of rides when I was younger. My aunt and uncle forced me try one. Actually, they tricked me into getting on but it’s too long of a story, so I’ll stick with “they forced me”. I was screaming and crying. I was telling them that I hated them and that I’d never forgive them.
The ride started and guess what?
I LOVED IT!
Had they not done what they did, I never would have tried it on my own and I’d probably still be too scared to try.
I won’t go as far as my aunt and uncle did to get my kids on a ride, but I totally beg and promise to give them money or whatever else it is that they want.
They’re like. “Um. NO.”
We ended up in camp snoopy, which is the part of the park for BABIES.
We had to wait for FORTY FIVE MINUTES for a ride that they believed was safe enough for them to ride.
“GR8 Sk8”
Lord. Have. Mercy.
It’s a stupid oversized skateboard that slides up and down on a platform. That would be my kid in the third row, with his HANDS UP because, you know, he’s so freaking brave.
Despite the fact I couldn’t get my boys on any rides, we had a great day.
I love my family. Love.Love.Love.
Here are a few of my favorite pictures. I’ll upload the rest to Flickr later on.
Self healer
I had an appointment with my doctor today about the boob.
I was 20 minutes late, but they didn’t turn me away.
This time anyway. But they warned me and assured me if it happened again, they’d not see me.
Whatever, I’m going back to Kaiser next month anyway.
Kiss it.
I was worried that Dr.TellmesomethingIdon’talreadyknow would be as rude as she was last time I saw her. I was worried she’d be all “well of course your boob hurts… YOU’RE FAT!”
To my surprise, she was slightly more friendly and this time? She actually stopped typing on her computer and examined me.
She did this thing that kind of weirded me out. She stood back and stared at my boobs for what felt like 2 hours. I wanted to start telling jokes. I wanted to pick them up, and start bouncing them up and down whilst making monkey noises. I wanted to squirt her with my milk. I just wanted to do something, anything to make her stop staring at them from across the room.
When she finally finished, she said she noticed the left one was much bigger than the right one and that could be from swelling. (I didn’t tell her that it’s BEEN bigger for a while now because at that moment, I wanted to believe she was right and it was just “swollen”. I hate thinking I will forever have lobsided boobs.) Like, it’s so much bigger than the other one that my shirt actually pulls in that direction. As if I wasn’t hot enough, huh?
Good news is I don’t have to go on antibiotics. I only need to continue applying heat and… (totally hating to say this because this means The Man was right) TAKE HOT SHOWERS! The other good news is that I’ve lost 12 pounds since the last time I saw her.
And you KNOW I kept bringing that up. Every.chance.I.Got. It took everything in me to not be all “WHO’S FAT NOW, WOMAN?!”
So, it looks like the Needled Nip is on the mend. I suppose it’s ok to stop worrying that it might fall off while I’m sleeping now.
Bring back the bangs.
I saw this at LT’s and since the part of my brain that I use to write The Cheese with is temporarily disabled, I got SO EXCITED because… I’ve got nothing else.
1)My uncle once: yelled at me while I was cooking a sausage in the microwave for something that wasn’t my fault and made me burn my sausage.
2)Never in my life: have I mounted a mechanical bull
3)When I was five: I peed my pants during art because I didn’t think we were allowed to go pee with the art apron on. I thought no one noticed, so I faked a stomach ache and went to the nurses office. I remember thinking my mom had super powers when she walked into the office with a change of clothes in her hands. “How did SHE KNOW?”
4)High School was: pretty much the worst 4 years of my life.
5)I will never forget: anything mean Tony has ever said to me. EVER.
6)I once met: Jerry Springer
7)There’s this girl I know who: can fart like a trucker and look like a angel doing it.
8 )Once, at a bar: I cried.
9)By noon I’m usually: begging Gabby to STOP STANDING UP IN HER CRIB EVERYTIME I LAY HER DOWN AND TAKE A FREAKING NAP ALREADY.
10)Last night: I tried on a pair of pants that were too tight a month ago… and they fit!
11)If I only had: a flat stomach, I’d pierce my belly button.
12)Next time I go to church: will probably be this weekend.
13)Terry Schiavo: was starved to death. But, that’s what she wanted, right?
14)What worries me most: is losing a child.
15)When I turn my head left, I see: the bathroom door
16)When I turn my head right, I see: dirty blinds.
17)You know I’m lying when: I say “I don’t care if I don’t own a house yet! At least I have a roof over my head and I’m totally not jealous of the beautiful brand new homes all of my friends are buying!”
18) What I miss most about the eighties: my bangs, man. My perfectly sculpted, half up, half down bangs.
19)If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: I don’t know about about him to answer.
20)By this time next year: I want to be fit and healthy.
21)A better name for me would be: Dances With Self In Mirrors
22)I have a hard time understanding: Math, more specifically, my son’s math.
23)If I ever go back to school I’ll: feel like an old fart who’s totally out of place.
24)You know I like you if: I don’t flip you off as you walk away.
25)If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: My parents. I’ve come to appreciate them in a way I never thought I would.
26)Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Fabio?
27)Take my advice, never: try to put out a match with a can of hairspray inside of a motor home. Seriously, DON’T.
28)My ideal breakfast is: chorizo and eggs with homemade tortillas and beans.
29)A song I love, but do not have is: Two Occassions, by the Deele
30)If you visit my hometown, I suggest: a) be prepared to be bored out of your mind b)like the mountains because we’re TOTALLY going to mount baldy c) have your finger ready to flip wimmins in SUV’s off.
31)Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: ummm…
32)Why won’t people: LET ME MAKE MY FREAKING LANE CHANGE?
33)If you spend the night at my house: I’ll continually apologize for the mess and the ugly.
34)I’d stop my wedding for: NO ONE.
35)The world could do without: Mariah Carey
36)I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: your foot.
37)My favorite blonde is: my niece
38) Paper clips are more useful than: Paula Abdul’s opinion
39) If I do anything well, it’s: make tittymilk.
40) And by the way: My nipple feels better.