I’ve been tagged for this by a few different people, so at this point, I’d be a total asshole to NOT do it. Problem is, I’m so boring, I don’t know if I can think of 5 things. So, here I go, trying to think of 25 “random things.”
1. The first thing that scares me during an earthquake is not that I could die, but that I will live and the toilets will not work and OH MY GOD WHERE WILL I PEE?
2. Kevin James is my boyfriend. He just doesn’t know it yet.
3. I have never NOR WILL I EVER taste a mushroom. What is wrong with you people who eat those disgusting things? Seriously. I do not understand you at all.
4. I once chased a purse snatcher (it was not MY purse he stole.) He threatened to kill me and I was all “GIVE ME THE PURSE, MAN.” It took 4 men to knock him down and hold him down until the police came. I should write about that story someday.
5. I always let people that I love know how I feel about them. It’s not always a good thing though, because when people don’t feel the same way in return, it hurts. A lot.
6. I am afraid, no, TERRIFIED of puking. I will make promises to God and cry and roll around on the floor or whatever it takes to stop the puke from happening.
7. When I was a teenager, I used to breed lovebirds. I was obsessed with bird. I was THE FUCKING BIRD WHISPERER. And I wonder why I never got asked to prom.
8. Speaking of Prom– I never attended a single high school dance. I was forbidden as my parents believed dancing was “of satan.”
9. I am two timing Kevin James with Judge Mathis.
10. I didn’t have sex until I was 18 years old. And engaged. But once I had sex, I had it multiple times a day. Every day. For like, years. (Tony wants you to know that 5 times in one day is “our record.”)
11. I once liked a boy who told me he would date me “if I got a perm.” I put rollers in my hair every night, but apparently, that wasn’t as good as a perm.
12. I was baptized when I was 18 years old in Tony’s ex- girlfriends parents pool while wearing a white robe. that covered me from head to toe. Seemed TOTALLY NORMAL at the time.
13. I love fish tacos. And no, that is not a euphemism. I love ACTUAL AND LITERAL fish tacos.
14. I met Jay Mohr at a show after he noticed and did a 5 minute set about my boobs. (Which, by the way, he loves.) We are now friends, in the way that one can be friends with a celebrity.
15. I’ve sang at more funerals than you’ve probably been to in your entire life. Just one of the many, MANY exciting benefits of being a “pastor’s kid.”
16. I’ve only been to NYC twice– once in 2002, and once in 2008. I fell in love HARD with the city and think of going back daily.
17. I like Dr.Phil.
18. I was once on the front page of The Wall Street Journal.
19. I miss my Grandpa every day and still can’t comprehend the fact that I will never see him smile at me or hear him tell me that I’m “his favorite” ever again. He was the most wonderful man I have ever known.
20. I am half Mexican and half German, but I can not speak nor understand Spanish or German.
And just to be different– the last 5 random things about me are from my husband, PigHunter:
21. You’re good with numbers
22. You have a beautiful voice
23. You’re very disorganized
24. You’re quick to show compassion to your friends. (You’re a good friend.)
25. You’re freak-ay with me.
I have been blogging since September 2002. I have never been nominated for a bloggie– but, one time? I almost beat Dooce for “best parenting blog” in some totally insignificant blog award. So, IN YOUR FACE, BLOGGIES. Honestly, I’m not bitter. I know the writing here has never been worthy of any “awards.” That said, every year I take the time to nominate my favorite bloggers. Normally, I don’t make those nominations public, because feelings can get hurt and oh, how I hate hurting peoples feelings. But, this year, I’ve been inspired by Aimee to post my nomination. Mostly, I’m posting these because it’s always been important to me to “share the love”, as they say, when it comes to linkage. Truth be told, I kind of hate it when bloggers are stingy with links, or only link to their “internet friends.” Since I was already working on a “blogs that I have loved this year and you should too” list, I figured, why not post these? Please, click on their blogs and read. I promise you won’t be disappointed.
Best Photography weblog Shutter Sisters Mother May I Me Ra Koh
Best Canadian Weblog Her Bad Mother Mother Bumper Redneck Mommy
Most Humorous Weblog Anne Nahm Deb on the Rocks See Wilson Go
Best Writing of a Weblog Nothing But Bonfires Not Calm (dot com) Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino
Best Group Blog Alpha Mom Shutter Sisters
Best Community Blog BlogHer
Best Kept Secret Weblog Chicken and Cheese Apathy Lounge Lesbian Dad
Best New Weblog Immoral Matriarch Baby Bloomr
Lifetime Achievement Tenth Muse Miss Zoot Amalah
Weblog of the Year Four Four The Bloggess Suburban Turmoil
(Edited to add this site for Best Entertainment blog because I just spent the last two hours reading and I hurt from laughing.) Videogum
(These blogs in no way reflect all of the blogs that I enjoy and (mostly) secretly admire. But these are the ones that I would be thrilled to see on that list, because in my opinion, they most definitely deserve to be there.)
Is this thing on? Hello?
So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I’ve been thinking a lot about blogging and my reasons for continuing to do this 6 years after I first started. I just haven’t been able to translate those thoughts into The Written Word. I hate admitting that I have feelings about blogging. But I do. And you do too. We all do. It’s just kind of lame to talk about those feelings. Or maybe it’s only lame when I talk about them because I am, generally speaking, kind of lame.
A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with my daughter that I never wanted to forget, so I posted the conversation word for word.
The post was submitted to stumbleup*n and without warning, there were 10,000 strangers reading that entry, every day for an entire week. I have never in the history of my blog had that kind of traffic. Not even close. And to be honest with you, I do not want that kind of traffic. It brings out the Scary People. I was completely freaked out by the number of people visiting my blog, but tried not to pay too much attention to it.
But then, people started shitting all over the post and my blog, saying things like “you should have your daughters ass checked for worms.” And “Your Grandpa sux, I’m glad he died and happy for your loss!” and my favorite “go to hell!” (because my post wasn’t funny. Keep in mind, it was a real life conversation that I had with my four year old daughter, NOT a script for a sit com.)
I’m no stranger to Asshole Comments. I understand the internet is not always a nice place. You should see the comments that I get here from time to time. (The most recent one on my anniversary post from a mom of 2 in Alabama who said “The reason you two are still together is because you are too fat and he is too ugly to find someone else….eat the dip and have a nice day!”)
(Excuse me for a minute while I address Christine personally since she won’t answer my emails to her fake email address: What is your problem with bean dip? You bring it up in almost every comment, it’s like you hate it or something. You can insult me all you want, but LEAVE THE DIP ALONE. What did the dip ever do to you, man? P.S. Have a nice day too!)
I know the internet isn’t always a peace, love and Jesus loves you kind of place and I am mostly fine with it. But the level of hatred that I experienced over an innocent conversation was a bit overwhelming.
There really isn’t a point in writing about this. I think I just needed to write it out so that I can try to move on from the crazy experience and continue doing what I love to do…Write stories about my life so that I never forget.
Because I love my life, as simple and ordinary as it is. I really, truly do.
Yesterday PigHunter gave me orders to buy new “casual clothes” to wear around the house. Apparently, he’s sick of seeing me in a black tank top and black sweat pants when he comes home from work.
I explained to him that I do get dressed every morning, but as soon as I pick up Gabbers from playschool at noon, the clothes come off and sweats go on. I want to be comfortable when I’m sitting in this chair working.
“Well, then get some different colored sweats, I’m so sick of seeing you in black when I get home.”
He’s not one to comment negatively on my appearance, so I took what he said to heart and vowed to do a little shopping for myself. I figure I can make my husband happy while helping the economy out at the same time. From what I’ve read, the economy can use a little help so I think one of you should do a little shopping with me. I’m going to purchase a $25 amazon gift card. At 5pm, I’ll randomly choose a comment from this post and that person will receive an e-mail gift card from me tonight.
Comments now closed. A winner will be announced shortly. Woo! Shopping!
And the winner is… CharmingBitch.
A week or so before BlogHer, I received the following email:
As you may or may not know, we accepted community submissions of *other* attendees’ work for the BlogHer ’08 Community Keynote. I am pleased to inform you that the committee has chosen one of your posts to be presented in the Letter To My Body category:
I was stunned.
When I first read about the Community Keynote, I briefly considered submitting a post if only because I wanted to be a part of what was sure to be an incredible event. But the more I considered, the less enthusiastic I became about submitting a post. Too many talented writers out there for me to think that they would even consider something I wrote as worthy to be read.
Also? I cry when I get nervous, so I was like “do I really want to cry in front of a 1,000 people?”
The answer was no, I did not. So, I didn’t submit. But! HA! Someone submitted on my behalf and HA HA! THEY CHOSE IT!
When I saw the post that was chosen, I was terrified. I knew that it would be impossible for me to get through the post without crying. And seriously, no one needs to see My Ugly Cry.
It’s uglier than Oprah’s, y’all.
I wanted to say “thanks, but I lovingly and politely decline.” But, I do not like to hurt peoples feelings, so I decided to put my fears aside, step outside of my comfort zone and just do it.
And I did it.
Listening to myself read those words inspired me to want to change. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to shed tears about my weight ever again. I want to be the best example for my children, not just in word, but in deed.
I realize this is old news, but I’m so grateful for the experience. And I finally feel ready to share it here with all of you, even if it is 8 years after the fact. Thank you for making me feel safe enough to post something so personal (and terrifying.)
I just deleted my Twitter account.
Twitter had become a time suck that had little- if any- benefit to my life at the moment. (although– knowing what y’all are doing throughout your day was damn fun to read. See: TIMESUCK!)
Things continue to crumble around us and I need to keep my focus on taking care of my family and keeping myself positive at all times. So, Twitter had to go.
(Because I already kind of miss it.)
(Except, not really.)
When I came home from BlogHer, I had all of these profound! And Wonderful! things that I wanted to write about. But I was tired. Very, very tired. So, I would say “I will write about it tomorrow after I catch up on my rest!”
Here we are 5 days later and I am still tired. The kind of tired that has me knocked flat on my ass and it hit me that it probably has nothing to do with the trip to San Francisco –a) I didn’t leave my time zone as it was in the same state b) I got more sleep while there than I normally do at home c) I did not once get drunk, which, CRAZY, I know!– and everything to do with my mother effing thyroid. It’s been over 2 months since my last TSH test and I am pretty sure that it’s crashing again and I need a medication adjustment. It’s not just “The Tired” that leads me to this conclusion, but also the fact that I’ve been doing boneheaded things, like, losing my cell phone (have never in my life lost a cell phone) and then losing the box with the charger to my new phone at the hotel. (p.s. if I had your number, can you please text me or email me your number again? Am feeling horribly lost without your names in my contacts list.)
Until this brain of mine is functioning again, which will hopefully be by tonight, because I really need my brain tonight, I am going to leave you with my favorite pictures from San Francisco. Lame, I know. Take it up with my thyroid, man. Lindsay was a good sport and posed for a few shots while we were waiting for the trolley to leave. They ended up being some of my best shots. Ever.
The view from the Alpha Mom (a.k.a cheeseburger headquarters) Suite on the 11th floor of the Westin St. Francis. Strangely, there was no screen in the window, which made me very happy (because I could get awesome pictures) but also terrified me so much that my vagina went weak with fear. Like, literally, I felt the fear in my vagina as I leaned out.
Taken at the book signing for Sleep is for the Weak (the lovechild of Rita. I was supposed to be in that book, but being the flake that I am, forgot to turn in my stuff in time. Kicking myself for eternity for that one.
I stopped to take pictures of this man and his jewelery in an attempt to get rid of the homeless man who was trying to pick up on me. At first it was a great conversation, but then he asked if I was single while staring at my tittays and I was like “WHOA.” But still, he was nice, so I continued to be polite, but then he refused to believe that I was married because I wasn’t wearing a wedding ring and I was like “this conversation must come to an end now!” I suppose that’s why I love this picture so much, because I will forever be reminded of the fact that a homeless man tried to “get with this” and that can only mean one thing… THAT I’VE STILL GOT IT.
This was taken on a cruise (thank you, Isabel! and Nintendo!) of the San Francisco Bay. I wanted a different perspective of the city lights, so I turned off auto focus and went for some preeeetty bokeh. I love the results. (And THANK YOU to Shutter Sisters for making this shot the “Daily Click.”)
And last, but certainly not least…
Because a room full of women whom I love, respect and admire wearing McDonald’s hats on their heads WHILE having Serious Conversations will never stop being funny to me. NEVER.
When I think back on the weekend, it’s the little moments that stand out and make me laugh out loud randomly throughout the day.
Like, the time I was on a boat with Isabel and was all “Look how beautiful the fog is. I love how it looks in the pictures!” and then I realized that it was not fog at all, but steam from the boat. “It’s ok, we can pretend it’s fog.” Isabel said, ever so sweetly.
Or the time that I farted while SJ was talking to me in the room and I had to announce it because I wasn’t sure if she heard it or not and well, it’s always better to be all “Yeah, I farted. JEALOUS?” Then to pretend like you didn’t fart at all.
Or the time that I kept talking to Lindsay during the keynote and she finally had had enough and was all “SHHHHHHHHHHHH!” And I kind of wanted to cry because well, SHE SHUSHED ME! But then I couldn’t stop laughing because “ha ha ha ha she shushed me.”
Or, the time I was hanging out in the men’s bathroom with a bunch of really hilarious women and one martini glass was sitting on the urinal and for some reason that I can’t remember, me and Jenny started singing “A Whole New World” and Mrs Flinger took out her video camera to record it without my knowledge and posted it on flickr.
And while I should pretend to be really pissed off that she did that, I can’t because it makes me weep with laughter seeing proof that I really was belting Disney tunes in the men’s restroom while completely sober.
And that, my friends, is one of the many reasons that I do and always will love BlogHer.
More to come tomorrow…
That is how I feel.
Overwhelmed with both good, bad. Happy. sad. Anger. Love.
But mostly good, happy and love.
This weekend will take days if not weeks for me to process. The love that I felt from both friends and strangers alike. The unwarranted ugliness in a crowded room. The sadness I saw watching a friend struggle to keep it together. The beauty I saw in a group of women whose positive energy (OMG. BIG FAT OPRAH HEAD) carried me through one of the most terrifying, yet amazing moments of my entire life. The cheeseburgers. Oh my GOD, the cheeseburgers.
I’ll write it all very soon, I just need to sort it all out first.
And by “sort it all out” I really mean “take a 4 day nap because Holy Mother of Hotel Security, I am tired.”
(P.S. I met some amazing women who have wonderfully written blogs and I look forward to sharing them with you in the next few days. Today, I really think you should go and read Lesbian Dad. I promise you that it will be worth your time.)