Torn

You can file this post under “No one really needs to know this, but I’m sharing it anyway”…

I need new chonies, underwear, panties, whatever you want to call them. Let me tell you WHY I need new ones.
I didn’t buy a single pair of them the entire time I was pregnant. And as I got bigger, it became a problem, because, well, not only was my stomach getting bigger, so were my thighs and my ass. So, to compensate for the leg growth, I did what any person in denial about how rapidly their ass and thighs were growing would do…
I RIPPED THE SIDES OF MY CHONIES A LITTLE. You know, so my circulation wouldn’t get cut off at the top of my thighs, eliminating the need for amputation.
So now I am wearing chonies with tears in the side, that are way to big on me.
And yes, Tony still thinks I’m sexy, but only because he hasn’t actually SEEN them. Because I roll them up into my other clothes when I put them in the hamper and I put them away really fast when I wash them. Because he would LAUGH AT ME and MAKE FUN OF ME and tell me just to go BUY SOME NEW ONES ALREADY
But I don’t want to just yet. I want to be an ass size smaller so I can feel proud and good about myself. Kinda like just the opposite of how I feel when I put on my overized, but formally were too tight so I ripped them to MAKE THEM FIT, chonies.
I can trust you not to tell anyone about this, right?

if she only knew

Everyone woke up very sad and worried this morning.
Everyone except Gabby. Because Gabby doesn’t have a clue that today is the day she will be stuck with THREE needles.
Today, Special Sauce gets her first round of vaccinations.
Tony almost cried before he left for work. He doesn’t want his little “la la” to feel pain. The boys don’t want to go with me to the appointment because they don’t want to hear her cry.
The saddest thing to all of us is that she’s so oblivious to it all. She’s smiling and talking and laughing. And she’ll probably be doing that as they stick the needles in her. And then she’ll scream and look at me like “MOM, HOW COULD YOU LET THAT EVIL WOMAN DO THAT TO ME? You are supposed to PROTECT ME FROM PAIN, NOT WILLINGLY OFFER ME UP FOR IT.”
And after it’s done? After she’s had the shots? I’ll worry and wait for some horrible reaction. I won’t be able to sleep tonight wondering if she’ll get a fever, or have a siezure.
Damn, I forgot how much I hate this part of the baby experience.
My poor, sweet Gabby.

a boob is a boob is a boob

Today I had my very first power struggle with my daughter.
And she’s only TWO MONTHS OLD.
She suddenly is repulsed by my right tit. She REFUSES to eat off of it. She screams and throws herself back and GAGS. I switched her to the otherside, just to see what she would do, and she got all happy and started sucking away.
But I wasn’t having that.
I took her off (Because she had already eaten off of that side and after an entire night of no eating, the tits tend to get REALLY FULL and REALLY BIG and REALLY PAINFUL, so I had to “empty” the right side) and I tried giving her the right tit again.
She started screaming and throwing her head back and GAGGING again.
I looked at her and said “Listen, oh little queen of the world, there is nothing wrong with this tit. You WILL EAT FROM IT! I refuse to have one tit the size of a pumpkin and the other one the size of an orange. THEY MUST REMAIN EVEN IN SIZE AND IN MILK PRODUCTION. NOW STOP GAGGING AND SUCK!”
And she was like “MAKE ME.”
And I so I did what any mother with an enlarged, aching tit at 5 in the morning would do.
I started to cry.
I am sure this is just the beginning of power struggles to come. Today it’s “I don’t want your right boobie!”, tomorrow it’ll be “I don’t feel like sleeping, and if I don’t sleep, YOU don’t sleep.” Ten years from now it’ll be “I HATE these stupid pants, so I’m not wearing them and you can’t make me.” And on and on and on and on.
If she didn’t have the cutest damn toothless smile in all of the world, I could probably get mad at her. Lucky her.

I have to fight the urge to SQUEEZE HER REALLY HARD

My daughter has SO much hair I can NOT resist the urge to brush it funny and make it all fluffy because it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. EVER.

HAIR2

And it’s even funnier when she’s cross eyed. AGAIN!
You’d think she’d hate me for doing it, but SHE LOVES IT.

HAIR1

Would she be smiling like that if she DIDN’T like it? I don’t think she would be.

Beat THIS.

Ethan had some exciting news for me this morning.
“Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to make you happy and be in the talent show this year!”
He’s right. That makes me very happy. I’ve tried every year to talk my boys into participating in the talent show. And every year, I get a big, fat “NO WAY, MOM!”
I was ALWAYS in talent shows because I was the biggest ham you’ll ever meet. Hard to believe, I KNOW! I thought my kids would take after me and continue the tradition of their mom and voluntarily make fools of themselves in the name of “entertainment.”
But no such luck.
Until now.
“So, what are you going to do in the talent show, sweetie?”
I figured he’d say dance, because, let me tell you, Ethan can DANCE. Ok, he dances like a male stripper gone bad, but it’s HILARIOUS.
“I’m going to beatbox“.
Being the supportive mother that I am, I responded with a big ol’ “That’s AWESOME, Ethan!”
“Wanna hear it?”
“BRING IT, Ethan!”
And BRING IT he did. (edited version, because the original version is about THIRTY SEVEN minutes, and I’m only exaggerating a little!)
Can you even begin to imagine the PRIDE I am going to feel while I’m sitting there and my son is “bringing IT” to the entire school? And hell yeah, I’m going to get up and “shake it fast” to show my support. Check this… I just might lose control and break out into The Worm halfway through.
Because I’ll be that proud.

A stay at home mother of three children who clips coupons, and gets her thrills off of beautifully scented cleaning products, that’s what.

I’m out of CONTROL with the cleaning products. The JOYS of being a stay at home mom! And I’m not being sarcastic.

I lost my shit at Vons last night. They had all kinds of new cleaning products on sale. And I had coupons. AND THEY DOUBLE THEM!
Oh, the products I purchased! Where do I even begin? Let’s start with the new love of my life(Oxiclean is so 5 months ago) The Magic Eraser. Let me just say, they call it “magic” for a reason! It took black marks off my front door that I had tried to get out with other products, but failed, in no time! And the best part? They were on sale, 2 for $4.00 and I had 2 $1.00 off coupons, which means THEY WERE FREE (because Vons doubles the coupons!) It doesn’t get any sweeter than that for a housekeepin’, cleaning product WHORE!
My new favorite laundry product? Downy Simple Pleasures fabric softener. (which, I got for $2.99, because it was on sale AND I had a coupon) Oh my God, THE SMELL!!!! I’ve already done 3 loads of laundry, and it’s not even 9am. And the living room (where the clothes are piled on the sofa, because I don’t believe in actually folding laundry) smells like heaven!
But it doesn’t smell like heaven just because of the VANILLA, LAVENDER fabric softener, no sir.eeeee. There’s also a new little contraption on my entertainment center that is periodically letting out little puffs of scented oil (that normally would cost almost $9.00 but because of the sale and my $1.00 off coupon only cost me $2.49!) A farting air freshener!
I love that my house is TOTALLY dirty right now, but SMELLS so beautifully clean. AWESOME.
I woke up so damn happy.
Because of my new cleaning products.
What the hell have I become?

Is today over yet?

Do you ever wake up pissed at the world? And you really have no reason to be pissed at the world, you just are? And everything that happens from the moment you wake up pisses you off? For no rational reason? Yes? No? IS IT JUST ME?
Have you ever had a bodily function disorder that you were embarrassed to talk about, even to a medical professional, but you think that MAYBE, if you put it out there and ask someone about it, you might discover you’re not alone, that other people suffer from that same bodily function disorder and there’s even a cream for it, but just as you’re getting the nerve up to ask someone, you realise that it’s more than likely just you and you’re body is really fucked up and if you DO talk about it, it will just get really quiet because the person you THOUGHT might be able to relate is repulsed and scared for you because what is happening when you fart to your body is TOTALLY NOT NORMAL and there’s ABSOLUTELY NOTHING any cream or pill can do for you, so you just keep it to yourself and suffer in silence, counting the days until you spontaneously combust from the disorder? NO? IS IT JUST ME AGAIN?
Have you ever written a post and then, you couldn’t figure out a way to end it?
PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE SO I STOP FEELING SO ALONE AND ABNORMAL THIS MORNING.

I think he threw up a little.

My husband just walked into the bedroom, holding a big ass pair of very dirty granny panties by the tag and asked me “Babe, are these your chonies? They were on the front lawn.”

Um. No. They were NOT my chonies and I have no idea who’s they were.
Now he’s in the bathroom scrubbing his hands with antibacterial soap and hot water while gagging and I’m laughing my ass off thinking that he might have just touched the neighbors dirty panties!
The moral of this story is do NOT assume panties that mysteriously show up on your front lawn at night belong to your woman.

Or something like that.