Captured

I’ve always worried that when my children are older, they’ll look back at old photos and wonder “where was Mom?”
I am the one behind the camera, making sure that our lives are documented in photographs. It’s what I love to do. But when I look through old photos, it makes me a little bit sad that the moments I’ve spent with my children at Holiday dinners, or Christmas mornings or at school functions were never captured for me to look at.
Every once in a while, though, someone will pick up the camera when I’m not looking and turn it on me.
I stopped by G’s school on my lunch break to cheer her on during the school jog-a-thon. I brought her big brother along with me. I knew she’d be so happy to have us both there, supporting her. She did so great! She ran so hard, never complaining or stopping to rest. When she was finished, I ran to meet her. I wrapped my arms tightly around her. “I’m so proud of you!” I said. “You did such a great job!”
grad777 (1 of 1).jpg
My son had taken the camera and captured the exact moment this happened. I’m so grateful that he did.

In Loving Memory

My niece has been playing soccer for several years now. My sister’s father and mother in law, my niece’s grandparents, would come to her games every weekend to watch and cheer her on.
On Friday morning, after a long and rough battle with cancer, my niece’s grandfather passed away. My niece was devastated. She had a game the following afternoon. I got a text message from my sister that night.
“S has a game tomorrow. They’re going to dedicate the game to her grandpa.”
My family went to watch the game. We arrived a few minutes late. My sister told me that before the game started, the team did a chant and then both teams had a moment of silence in honor of my niece’s grandpa.
I was in awe of my sister’s mother in law, who had come just a day after the love of her life had passed away, to cheer her granddaughter on, just like she had done with her husband weekend after weekend.
The game was amazing– they won the game 4-0. After the game was over, my niece’s grandma ran over to the sideline to give the girl’s high fives. As she walked away, the entire team ran over to her and wrapped their arms around her. She held them tightly and told them how much her husband loved to watch them play. Everyone stood on the sidelines, watching this most wonderful, heartbreaking moment. Some had tears in their eyes. Some had the biggest smiles on their faces.
grad746 (1 of 1).jpg
I was completely blown away by the kindness and compassion these young girls showed to a woman who had just lost the love of her life to cancer and also to their teammate, my niece. It was one of the most touching moments I’ve witnessed in my life.
Rest in peace, Dennis. It was an honor to know you.

A Rough Start

When I finished boot camp three weeks ago, I made the decision that I would sign up for another session.
After a week off, we would begin a two week session, immediately followed by a six week session. I was so thrilled with the progress I made in the first six weeks, I wanted to see what kind of success I could have with another eight weeks.
I only made it to three classes the first week (Monday was a holiday, no class. Friday was my 40th birthday. I gave myself the day off.) I was excited to start the second week the following Monday. But that didn’t happen because I got sick. I’m not talking about a hangover from my wild 40th birthday celebration, I’m talking chills, fever, congestion, body aches. I didn’t start to feel better until Thursday. And even then, I wasn’t 100%.
I missed the entire second week.
I wasn’t happy about it– waste of time, of money, but I also know that it was out of my control so I didn’t waste much time being upset about it. I was looking forward to getting well and getting back into the swing of things on Monday.
Yesterday was my first day back. I was feeling pretty nervous about the workout after having had so much time off without any type of exercise whatsoever.
I felt it as soon as we started warming up. My legs felt tight and sore (but not the good kind of sore. The I’ve Been Laying Down Too Much kind of sore.) I began to feel upset with myself. I had been doing so well, I was getting so strong! And now, there I was, feeling weak and tight and sore. I tried to shake it off, to stop focusing on My Feeeeeelings and my get my mind and body completely focused on the workout.
Because it was the first workout of a new six week session, we had to do a timed mile run. The minute I started running, I wanted to stop. I just didn’t feel right. I felt weak, I felt tight. I felt defeated. I immediately fell behind the group. I came in second to last place at 11:01. (Which was faster than my first timed mile, but slower than my last time mile, which was 10:52.) After the run, we completed the workout. Squats. Crunches. More squats. More crunches. For the first time since doing boot camp, I thought “maybe this isn’t for me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this after all.” I was completely frustrated.
During the cool down, the instructor asked one of the newbies if she had enjoyed the class. She responded with “yes!” Then, the instructor was all “You guys, she just had a baby!”
I kind of felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach because a woman who had JUST HAD A BABY runs faster than me. Not only had she just given birth, but she was also new to the class. Double Gut Kick.
After the work out was over, I grabbed my mat and bag and headed to the car without saying good bye to anyone.
I drove home feeling pretty down about myself, about my progress, about my ability to do this.
“How was your workout?” My husband asked as soon as I walked in the door.
“It sucked. It was awful. I’M SO PISSED AT MY BODY.”
I used to be athletic. I used to be able to run. I used to be strong. I used to be fast. I used to be the picture of perfect health. And then I got sick. And then I had a doctor who didn’t listen to me. And then I ballooned to 237 pounds. And then I was so unhealthy. And then I tried to lose weight and couldn’t. And then I couldn’t even walk on a treadmill without feeling like I was going to die. And then I took charge of my health care. And then I got the proper medication and was able to lose 59 pounds. And then I started to feel like myself again. And then I gained 11 pounds back. And then I joined boot camp to get back on track and try to lose the last 50 pounds. And then I lost 10 pounds. And then I started to feel strong again. And then I RAN THREE MILES. And then I got sick. And then I had one really bad workout and suddenly I felt weak, scared and angry with my body all over again for betraying me. For getting sick. For not working the way that it should, the way that it used to.
I know that one bad workout doesn’t erase all of the progress I’ve made health wise nor does it erase the success I’ve had with boot camp thus far. But I wanted to write this down to keep an honest account of the next six weeks. I want to be able to know that even during my darkest moments, I have what it takes to keep going and come out stronger and hopefully SO MUCH FASTER. At the very least, I want to be able to keep up with WOMEN WHO JUST GAVE BIRTH.
That is officially my new fitness goal.

The Sorry It Didn’t Work Out Show

I’ve watched The Biggest Loser since the first episode aired. I fell deeply in TV Love with Bob Harper. Everything about him is wonderful. He’s compassionate, strong, smart. He’s hot, sexy, super hot and also VERY HOT.
Do you remember when you were a teenager and you were in love with a celebrity (or a professional athlete named Orel Hershiser) and you would day dream of meeting them and you’d be like “if they only got to know me, they would totally love me and we would be best friends!” That’s kind of how I feel about Trainer Bob.
I want to meet that man. I imagine if I ever had the chance, I’d tell him about my weight loss and struggles with my health (because nothing says “I’m a Fun Girl” like “let me tell you about my thyroid problems!”) There would be laughing, hugging, possibly some making out, errr, I mean WORKING OUT. He’d like me so much he’d totally follow me follow me on Twitter.
Last month while I was at BlogHer, I saw people tweeting about having breakfast with Trainer Bob. My heart sank. TRAINER BOB WAS AT BLOGHER. I could have signed up to have breakfast with him and work out with him. Somehow, I had missed that this was happening and now it was too late. I was devastated. (I work for BlogHer, how did I miss this?!)
I took my sadness to Facebook. Some people were all “Oh, I’m so sorry! That sucks!” While other people were like “You’re gonna hate me, but I got to meet him, take a picture with him, do Yoga with him, laugh with him and generally have the best time with him.”
It hurt, man. How would I ever get over missing out on my one chance to meet Trainer Bob?
September 8th, 2011 I received a message on Facebook. It basically went like this:

“Hey Yvonne. How do you feel about being on a TV show. You know Nate Berkus, the cute guy that used to be on Oprah all of the time? Well, we have Bob Harper and we need to do a field shoot with Bob in LA. It would be a kitchen intervention. He would come to your house and make over your kitchen cabinets. Thoughts?”

After I picked myself up off of the floor (because I passed out from EXCITEMENT.) I composed myself and wrote back something like “I love Bob, I love Nate, I’m totally interested. Call me!”
Later that day, I was on the phone with a producer from The Nate Show. We talked about how much I love Bob, about how little grocery shopping I’ve been doing lately and how I could really use Bob’s help. She asked me to send my address, the number to my landlord so we could get permission to shoot and to send a photo of myself and of my house.
I called my husband and was like “YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME NEXT WEEK!”
I spoke to the producer again and she said that since I was having trouble finding the time to shop for groceries, she thought it would be great if Bob took me shopping for groceries, so could I please send her the name and number of grocery stores in my area so they could get permission to shoot there?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t even begin to put into words how exciting this felt to me. Not only was I going to meet Trainer Bob, but he was going to be IN MY HOUSE. And we were going to go grocery shopping together! Things like this don’t ever happen to me. How did I get so lucky?
It was Friday (my 40th birthday!) and the shoot was supposed to happen the following Wednesday (yesterday.) I was a little bit nervous that Bob was going to see my humble little rental home, but then I remembered this was going to be on The Nate Show and do you know what Nate is famous for? DECORATING HOUSES. Here’s the thing– I’m horrible at decorating. Like, the absolute worst. So, I kind of just don’t do it. I do have a few pictures of my family hanging on the wall, but not much else. I panicked! I could not let The Nate Show FILM MY SADLY DECORATED HOME. So, I made a few trips to buy a few things to hang on the wall and to place on my shelves to make my place look a little less sad. We replaced old frames, repainted a wall in the family room, bought some new decorative pieces to hang in the kitchen. We also planted some new flowers in the front yard.
I waited all day Monday for confirmation that they were able to work things out with Bob’s schedule and that we’d be filming on Wednesday.
Finally, the email appeared in my in box.
Subject Line: Nate Show

Hi Yvonne,
Thank you so very much for all of your cooperation and patience. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to make it work with Bob’s schedule.
BUT, we’d love to stay in touch with you & figure out a segment in a future show that makes sense—would you be up for that? And it could be a segment about home renovation too—is there a room you are having an issue with?

Heart? Broken.
I wrote back, thanked her for trying to make it work.
And then? I cried. I did. I know, it’s dumb. It’s not the end of the world! But, once again, I allowed myself to believe that something good was going to happen to me and once again, things didn’t work out. Story of my life.
A couple of days have passed since I got the news and I’m fine now. I mean, it totally sucks that I thought I was going to meet Trainer Bob and I didn’t meet Trainer Bob. It sucks so much. But, it’s NOT the end of the world. It’s just the end of my I’m Going to Meet Trainer Bob Someday Fantasy.

Boot Camp: The Results!

When I first joined boot camp, I did a series of timed tests as well as had my weight and measurements taken. Today was the last day of this session of boot camp and we did the same series of tests and measurements. I have to say, I am totally impressed with the results.
Before I share the results, I should mention that I missed eleven days during the six week session. That absences were due to traveling to Vegas, to BlogHer and possibly to My Period. I’m not happy about missing so many classes, but it is what it is. Next time, I will do better.
(There will be a next time. I’m committing to eight more weeks.)
Now, onto the results!
Push-ups
Day one: 7
Today: 27
Sit ups:
Day one: 15 in 46 seconds
Today: 30 in 1:30 seconds
1 mile run:
Day one: 12:00
Today: 10:52
Weight:
Day one: 189 pounds
Today: 179 pounds
Total weight loss: 10 pounds
Total inches lost:
8 3/4 (most of those inches came off of my hips/butt 4 3/4! That, like, NEVER happens.)
Body fat loss:
Just under 2%
BMI went down by 1.7

Number of times I farted out loud:
ZERO!
Confidence Gained:
1,000%
I can’t wait to do another session and see how far I can push myself.
This experience has been life changing. I’ve always thought of myself as a “fitness wimp.” I say “I can’t” a LOT. I don’t like to feel uncomfortable. The second it starts to feel bad, I want to stop. I DO stop. That is why boot camp is so good for me. There are people there pushing me to keep going, telling me YES YOU CAN. And you know what? They were right. I absolutely can do it– whether the “it” is push-ups, or running THREE MILES. I can do it.
I DID do it.
I have to thank my fitness instructors– Thank you Monique and Sean for pushing me, for helping me start to believe that I am strong and capable. Love you guys! Cant wait to do it again. (Except next time, can we lay off the Animal Exercises a little bit? Because we all know those ARE THE WORST.)

Breaking the Awkward (For Me) Blog Silence

A lot has happened since the last time I posted.
Ethan joined a competitive basketball team and played in his first ever basketball tournament in Vegas. It was a thrilling experience for him and a heartbreaking one for me. I watched him sit on the bench, minute after minute while his coach walked passed him over and over again. He would look up, with hope in his eyes as his coach would turn his way. I imagine he was thinking “put me in, coach. I’ll knock a three down and tie the game like I always do!” But the coach would just walk past him and put the same player in he had just taken out. I wanted to punch that coach in the face. I wanted to grab my son off of the bench and scream “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE HERE, COACH!” and storm off with my son. Instead, I got up, stood in the corner of the room where no one could see me and I cried. I cried so hard because I know how much my son loves the game. I know how excited he was about the tournament. I know how badly he wanted to help his team out. One thing I’ve learned is that life isn’t easy, sometimes you have to fight hard for what you want, so I let my son sit there, as painful as it was for me to watch. The next game, the coach finally took my son off the bench and gave him a chance to play. In the very short time he was given to play (less than two minutes) he scored four points. I couldn’t have been more proud.
grad364 (1 of 1).jpg
My Grandmother was taken to the emergency room because she was experiencing pain in her abdomen and hadn’t been feeling well for days. While she was there, they discovered a tumor in her colon and spots on her liver. The doctors were able to remove the tumor. The next day, we were told it was malignant. A few days later we were told she had stage 4 liver cancer. Last week, she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. She’s refused chemo and says she’s at peace with whatever happens next. I hope I can feel that way soon about the fact that I’m going to lose the strongest, most wise, loving, hard working, loyal women in my life to cancer.
My daughter turned seven years old. She had been counting down the days since May. “Mommy? How many more days until August third?” She’d ask, every single day. Sometimes, I’d get annoyed. “I just told you yesterday how many days!” “I’m sorry mommy.” She’d respond. “I’m just SO EXCITED to be seven!” She couldn’t fall asleep the night before her birthday. She tossed. She turned. She giggled. It was well past midnight by the time she finally fell asleep. I greeted her that morning with a kiss on her cheek. “Happy Birthday, sweet girl.” I whispered in her ear. She opened her eyes and smiled the most joyful smile. “Oh Mommy.” She said. “I feel different. I feel seven.”
grad466 (1 of 1).jpg
Seven. It’s hard for me to come to terms with seven. Maybe it’s because I know how quickly seven turns to eight to nine, nine to ten. Then, one day you wake up and they’re eighteen, graduating from high school and never home because their are more important things to do than sit on the couch and talk to mom or go for a walk with mom or play a game of Trouble with mom. I don’t want to get caught up in the sadness of how quickly she’s growing because the truth is, I’m enjoying my daughter now more than I ever have. She’s blossoming into the most precious young lady, so full of love and life and humor. She reminds me each day how blessed I am in life.
grad393 (1 of 1).jpg
Not as important, but something worth mentioning… I ran 2.5 miles in boot camp. Four weeks down, two weeks to go. I haven’t lost much weight, but I have gained confidence, strength and a desire to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I guess you can say boot camp has been a success and everything I hoped it would be.

The Mess Log

When I signed up for boot camp, I was given a mess log and told I’d need to keep a daily journal of everything I eat and bring it to class every single day. We are supposed to place the mess log face up, at the top of our workout mats so the instructor can walk around and read/judge our food choices.
Ideally, I should eat five to six times a day– breakfast, a.m snack, lunch p.m snack, dinner and optional, evening snack. Ideally, all snacks and meals should be eaten every two hours, to keep the body fueled.
I was actually excited about keeping a food journal for a few reasons. Mostly, because it will keep me accountable for the choices that I make, but also because I tend to skip meals when I get busy. That’s not healthy, especially when one is doing boot camp style workouts.
The first day of my journal was kind of embarrassing. It started out just fine– healthy, even! Cottage cheese and pineapple! As the day progressed, things weren’t looking too good. “Six pretzels, sweet corn cake (a vegetable, no?!) Also? three egg rolls from Jack in the Box.
I had a good excuse for that day– I hadn’t gone grocery shopping! Great excuse because it was true! I went shopping yesterday and stocked up on bunch of healthy, fresh food. The rest of the week’s log is going to look so great!
Here’s the thing. While shopping for all of my healthy, fresh food, I also bought some of those mini chocolate chip cookies from Trader Joe’s for the kids.
Just a few minutes ago, I was sitting at the kitchen table working and that tub of cookies started taunting me. They were all “PUT US IN YOUR MOUTH!”
I reached out to my husband for help.
“I really want to eat some of those cookies, but I don’t want to have to write it in my mess log. It’s hard when you’re held accountable for what you eat, I mean, I could lie…”
He interrupted me.
“What? It’s hard when you’re a CANNIBAL?”
(He’s a good listener! So helpful!)
In the grand scheme of life, eating a couple of cookies is not a big deal. However, I want to make the very most of this experience. I want to make healthy choices so that at the end of six weeks, I know that I did everything in my power to achieve my goals. I know that I will make a few bad choices along the way (I can’t avoid Jack in the Box’s churros forever!) but I plan to be 100% honest about the choices I make. Which is why I just wrote this in my mess log:
IMG601.jpg
My big ass- 1 My mouth- 0

Day Two. It Hurts.

Today I completed day two of boot camp.
There are four places on my body that do not hurt. My feet, my hands, my face and my you know what.
I pretty much hate every minute of it while I’m there, but I absolutely love the way that I feel as I’m driving home. I feel so accomplished, so strong, so full of energy, so ready to take on the day.
Yesterday all of the newbies had to do a timed mile. I came in third (out of four people total) at 12:00 exactly. Before we started, the instructor was all “this is not a race. This is to test where you’re at, so we can pair you with the right people for our running exercises.” I wasn’t happy with my results, but I wasn’t surprised either. I suck at running because I hate running. I have tried for many months to love running, but it hasn’t happened yet. Every time I run, I think “Man, I hate this.” People who say things like “I look forward to running!” really worry me because I don’t think it’s normal to look forward to something so awful.
Speaking of awful– push-ups are the worst. The absolute worst. And guess what? They LOVE to do push-ups in boot camp. And not the kind where you are on your knees, oh no. They like to do The Real Push-ups. I had to do a push-up test and guess how many I could do? Seven. And those seven almost killed me. My body was shaking, I was sweating and the instructor was all up in my face saying “PUSH THROUGH IT! YOU CAN DO IT!” And I was all “No, I can’t! Look! I’m shaking!” THE WORST.
There are things that I love about it. I love being outside while it’s still dark, I love the cool morning breeze all up on my sweaty face. I love watching the sun rise while I’m on my back and Hot Trainer is all “leg blasts! Butt up in the air!” I also love the minute it is over and how accomplished I feel that I managed to get through the entire workout without farting, because, MAN, it’s hard to NOT fart during boot camp.
I’m looking forward to the next six weeks. I can’t wait to see the results of what I know now will be extremely hard, challenging but very rewarding work.