I had an appointment with my doctor today about the boob.
I was 20 minutes late, but they didn’t turn me away.
This time anyway. But they warned me and assured me if it happened again, they’d not see me.
Whatever, I’m going back to Kaiser next month anyway.
Kiss it.
I was worried that Dr.TellmesomethingIdon’talreadyknow would be as rude as she was last time I saw her. I was worried she’d be all “well of course your boob hurts… YOU’RE FAT!”
To my surprise, she was slightly more friendly and this time? She actually stopped typing on her computer and examined me.
She did this thing that kind of weirded me out. She stood back and stared at my boobs for what felt like 2 hours. I wanted to start telling jokes. I wanted to pick them up, and start bouncing them up and down whilst making monkey noises. I wanted to squirt her with my milk. I just wanted to do something, anything to make her stop staring at them from across the room.
When she finally finished, she said she noticed the left one was much bigger than the right one and that could be from swelling. (I didn’t tell her that it’s BEEN bigger for a while now because at that moment, I wanted to believe she was right and it was just “swollen”. I hate thinking I will forever have lobsided boobs.) Like, it’s so much bigger than the other one that my shirt actually pulls in that direction. As if I wasn’t hot enough, huh?
Good news is I don’t have to go on antibiotics. I only need to continue applying heat and… (totally hating to say this because this means The Man was right) TAKE HOT SHOWERS! The other good news is that I’ve lost 12 pounds since the last time I saw her.
And you KNOW I kept bringing that up. Every.chance.I.Got. It took everything in me to not be all “WHO’S FAT NOW, WOMAN?!”
So, it looks like the Needled Nip is on the mend. I suppose it’s ok to stop worrying that it might fall off while I’m sleeping now.

I saw this at LT’s and since the part of my brain that I use to write The Cheese with is temporarily disabled, I got SO EXCITED because… I’ve got nothing else.

1)My uncle once: yelled at me while I was cooking a sausage in the microwave for something that wasn’t my fault and made me burn my sausage.
2)Never in my life: have I mounted a mechanical bull
3)When I was five: I peed my pants during art because I didn’t think we were allowed to go pee with the art apron on. I thought no one noticed, so I faked a stomach ache and went to the nurses office. I remember thinking my mom had super powers when she walked into the office with a change of clothes in her hands. “How did SHE KNOW?”
4)High School was: pretty much the worst 4 years of my life.
5)I will never forget: anything mean Tony has ever said to me. EVER.
6)I once met: Jerry Springer
7)There’s this girl I know who: can fart like a trucker and look like a angel doing it.
8 )Once, at a bar: I cried.
9)By noon I’m usually: begging Gabby to STOP STANDING UP IN HER CRIB EVERYTIME I LAY HER DOWN AND TAKE A FREAKING NAP ALREADY.
10)Last night: I tried on a pair of pants that were too tight a month ago… and they fit!
11)If I only had: a flat stomach, I’d pierce my belly button.
12)Next time I go to church: will probably be this weekend.
13)Terry Schiavo: was starved to death. But, that’s what she wanted, right?
14)What worries me most: is losing a child.
15)When I turn my head left, I see: the bathroom door
16)When I turn my head right, I see: dirty blinds.
17)You know I’m lying when: I say “I don’t care if I don’t own a house yet! At least I have a roof over my head and I’m totally not jealous of the beautiful brand new homes all of my friends are buying!”
18) What I miss most about the eighties: my bangs, man. My perfectly sculpted, half up, half down bangs.
19)If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: I don’t know about about him to answer.
20)By this time next year: I want to be fit and healthy.
21)A better name for me would be: Dances With Self In Mirrors
22)I have a hard time understanding: Math, more specifically, my son’s math.
23)If I ever go back to school I’ll: feel like an old fart who’s totally out of place.
24)You know I like you if: I don’t flip you off as you walk away.
25)If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: My parents. I’ve come to appreciate them in a way I never thought I would.
26)Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Fabio?
27)Take my advice, never: try to put out a match with a can of hairspray inside of a motor home. Seriously, DON’T.
28)My ideal breakfast is: chorizo and eggs with homemade tortillas and beans.
29)A song I love, but do not have is: Two Occassions, by the Deele
30)If you visit my hometown, I suggest: a) be prepared to be bored out of your mind b)like the mountains because we’re TOTALLY going to mount baldy c) have your finger ready to flip wimmins in SUV’s off.
31)Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: ummm…
32)Why won’t people: LET ME MAKE MY FREAKING LANE CHANGE?
33)If you spend the night at my house: I’ll continually apologize for the mess and the ugly.
34)I’d stop my wedding for: NO ONE.
35)The world could do without: Mariah Carey
36)I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: your foot.
37)My favorite blonde is: my niece
38) Paper clips are more useful than: Paula Abdul’s opinion
39) If I do anything well, it’s: make tittymilk.
40) And by the way: My nipple feels better.

My boob is hurting something fierce at this very moment. (I said “fierce.” Clearly, America’s Next Top Model is taking over my brain.)
I’m actually starting to get worried about it.
Thank GOD I have peroxide. I have been dousing my nipple in the stuff, hoping to kill off what is obviously some sort of an infection.
Maybe sticking a needle inside of my boob wasn’t the “smartest” decision.
I’m trying not to panic, but I’m THIS CLOSE to losing it. If hourly peroxide swabbings of the nip do not work, I’m going to be forced to see a doctor about the issue.
I don’t like going to the doctors to talk about my boobs. And I HATE the doctors touching my boobs.
I’d rather give birth and poop on the doctor.
The few times I’ve had to see the doctor about my boobs, I’ve always resorted to making stupid jokes while being groped.
“How old are you,again?” My doctor, who happens to be a man, once asked whilst looking at my unclothed boobs.
Convinced he was asking because he was SHOCKED at the saggage of my twenty seven year old breasts, I said all hilarious like “I’m 27, but you’d think I was 80 by the look of those things, huh?”
But seriously, folks, self depricating humor is how I deal.
I’m not sure how long I should continue to bathe my boobs in the ‘xide before putting down the q-tip and calling the doctor. I guess that’s my dilema. I am willing to put up with the pain and pray that the peroxide works, but I am NOT willing to have to have my nipple chopped off because the infection has raged beyond the point of no return.
What’s a girl to do?
Tony says I just need to take a hot shower and let the water hit the boob.
But that’s Tony’s cure for everything.
“My back is KILLING ME!” I say.
“TAKE A HOT SHOWER! Tony replies.
“I have a horrible headache.” I say.
“Take a hot shower!” Tony replies.
“I have cramps!” I say
“Take a hot shower!” Tony replies.
God forbid he offer to rub my back, or massage my temples or go get me some flippin’ chocolate.
“Take a hot shower!” He says. But who am I to get mad at him? He’s totally a doctor. No, really, he is. He may not have went to “medical school” but, in his mind, that doesn’t matter. From now on, you will address him as Dr.Takeahotshower.
Let’s get back to the boobs and the little white pocket that’s forming on my left nipple.
It hurts.
I’m scared.
And I wish Gabby would take a bottle so she wouldn’t have to suck on it and make me cry.

“Man, it would really suck if John Heder got murdered.”