aren’t you glad i shared?

let it be known. i have no shame. i pee while on the phone, i burp loudly, i pick my seat. i also pee with the door open and this irritates the hell out of my husband. today, as i was taking leak with the door wide open, i wondered to myself “how did i get this way?” i wasn’t always this way. then it hit me, it’s because i gave birth. once you give birth, you really don’t give a crap about things like “peeing with the door open” because nothing is as degrading as giving birth. you’re laying there with your legs spread wide open with a room full of strangers looking on, touching you in all of the places that only your spouse should touch you.

i remember when i went for my 6 week check up after having my first son. i brought my six week old baby with me, so i knew it was going to be great fun! the nurse called me into the room, told me to get naked and put on the gown. i did what she said and laid on the table. immediately, my baby started to cry. SHIT. anyone who’s breastfed knows what happens when the baby starts crying. milk starts “flowing” but more like “squirting”. so, i’m laying there on the table with nothing but a gown on and the milk starts squirting out and dripping down my sides. i’m mortified and embarrassed that this is happening. i pulled the gown off, pick andrew up, laid on my side so he can start sucking away. now, the milk is SQUIRTING out of the other boob. tittymilk in the air! on my face! on the floor! the doctor walked in and i was like “hello, doctor, nice to meet you!” awwwwkward. she doesn’t say a word, spreads the legs wide open and starts checking me “down there”. there i lay, a hand all up in my lady business, a baby on one tit, the other one squirting tittymilk all over the damn room. . KILL ME NOW! dignity “officially” stripped.
now you tell me, after an experience like that, why in the HELL would i care if my husband walks by and sees me taking a leak

30 thoughts on “aren’t you glad i shared?

  1. jewdez

    LMAO! I hear ya. My hubby goes all secret ops when he has to go potty – doors lock, vent on – LIKE I CARE. I try to talk to him and you’d think it was the end of the world…needless to say 2 children later, I could give a rats ass who sees me…

  2. yvonne

    that’s what i’m talkin bout jen.. and jewdez, what the fuck is that about? mine does the same thing. and god forbid he runs out of toilet paper and i have to give him some. he just opens the door open enough so i can push the roll thru!

  3. Christine

    As a single Mom who has breastfed … I can’t stop laughing now. Oh dear. The mental image! I’m cracking up!
    Although I pee’d while on the phone before I had a baby. I blame it on my Mom. I mean, aren’t you supposed to blame everything on your parents?

  4. daintily dirty

    Have you seen those “nursing tents” you can purchase from baby magazines? They actually have poles that you attach to your shoulders and then drape this cloth thing over it… for discreet nursing in public. Probably a man who won’t pee with the door open came up with that idea. I think I could take my shirt off completely and be more discreet than wearing a damn tent.

  5. melly

    Bottle-feeding at your six-weeks appointment is no more elegant. Mattie ripped my gown to shreds. By the time the doctor came in I looked like I was wearing a napkin.
    We’re all a bunch of phone pissers.

  6. jennypoo

    Oh yeah-scott dies if i hear him take a crap. he cant do it. even if the monkey is outside the door-he freezes. I imagine him in there with a turtle head and his sphincter is frozen-cant even pinch it off. poor guy hehehehehe. Not me-i will tell my birthing and breastfeeding stories to anyone willing to hear.

  7. daintily dirty

    Cell phones and cordless phones certainly make it easier to pee while talking on the phone! Without giving it much thought I picked up my cordless to call for pizza and realized I had to “go” and was sitting on the potty when the pizza guy answered. I wonder if he knew…

  8. mikey

    waiiitasec here, jennypoo. i think that we all agree that peeing w/ the door open is no biggie… but droppin a load? heyallll NO!
    and yvonne? that is the funniest thing i’ve read all frickin week!

  9. lucy

    If you close your legs while you pee it doesn’t make so much noise, ya know? You just have to wait to flush until you’re off the phone….
    I lost all modesty when I had children. After having several different pimply-faced interns come by to “check” you- none of whom you’ve ever seen before in your entire life- and after you’ve had multiple nurses practically shove thier upper torsos up your vagina- you can spread your legs for almost anyone.

  10. DogsDon'tPurr

    Well…some people do have bathroom issues! Long story on my part…that I won’t share with you now. But trust me….if your husband wants you to close the door when you “go”….it’s not about you. Some people just don’t like that whole bathroom thing and think it should be private (and they usually have reasons)….they don’t want to see it….I don’t want to see it. Close the door for his sake….not for yours. It’s a small thing to do…but if there are bathroom issues, it means a lot!

  11. Da Goddess

    Yvonne, you forgot to mention the first part that gets you started on that road to hell…the delivery room. With my first kid you could hear me yelling: “Excuse the fuck outta me! But, who the hell said we could hold court in this place and who are all these people????” And, then..the capper…I was the ONLY breastfeeding mom in the whole damn hospital when I had my daughter and Dr. Mom (she used to be on the “Home Show”) was leading med students through the hospital. She asked if they could watch me breastfeed. At that point I didn’t care. I whipped the girls out, got the one nip hard for the baby and threw her on. (She wouldn’t latch on without it being erect, the little shit)

  12. RightWingTexan

    I should know better than to jump in on this – but what the hell – no guts, no glory.
    I don’t know what it is, but I just don’t want to watch a woman – or a man – taking care of his/her bodily functions. Particularly #2. Taking a leak is OK, especially outdoors. I’ve waved my wand in the wind numerous times in mixed company, and have laughed as my normally poised and sweet wife tried to crouch gracefully in the bushes. But the bathroom? No way Jose!
    I might also add that I have never been close to the birthing process. Clean em up and then bring them to me in a blankie. Go ahead – fire away – I can take it.
    Your story is a hoot.

  13. Tricialicous

    Well ok I admit it, I do pee while on the phone but have to put my finger over the little talk hole. And don’t even think of asking about flushing the toilet, I do it and run outside the door into the other bathroom to wash my hands.
    Even after having Jeremy I can’t bear to “take a crap” with the door open let alone unlocked and my husband Chris hates the fact that I have to. He’s so open about it.
    And oh my god, I can’t believe you used “twat” that is such an ugly word. It’s just like “c**t”

  14. popcorn

    It is scary how much you and my wife are alike. When we first starting dating she wouldn’t even let me see her naked. She would take all the bedsheets with her to the bathroom. Then she had kids. Now I have to beg her to close the door, light a match, or give the fan some love.
    Personally, as a husband, I don’t do the stealth thing. I personally don’t care who knows when I go. I mean just yesterday I was in my hotel bathroom talking to one of my colleagues while dropping the kids off at the pool.
    Like I care…

  15. gleeful

    What is so wrong with leaving the door open? I mean, I’ve been living with my fiance’ soon to be husband for over two years now. I have never seen him pee. I never know what he is doing in the bathroom because he takes his laptop, puts on the vent and locks the door. I think that is SO WEIRD.
    I talk on the phone while on the toilet; I’ve never seen a problem with it. Heaven forbid I leave the door open to pee real quick, though. I don’t get it. He said it was “a little strange” that I peed with the door open. He’s seen me naked, I mean, what’s so wrong with not even seeing me in the bathroom with the door open?

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