Can a girl get a little understanding?

Here’s the thing…
When I write about my weight, I am speaking of how I feel about MYSELF ONLY.
I have always struggled with self hatred and insecurities. When I say things like “I’m fat and gross” I am not saying that I FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT.
I am talking about the feelings I have towards myself. The past few days have been really rough emotionally for me. I’m sorry if my brutal honestly about how I feel inside offends you, but it’s not about you.
These are my issues, these are my struggles, these are my problems. And YES, I know it hurts people who love me, especially my husband. But I’m not TRYING to hurt people. I’m trying to work through my self hatred, I’m done trying to figure out WHY I am this way, I don’t give a shit WHY anymore, I only care to NOT BE THIS WAY anymore.
Writing here helps me do that.
I honestly believe a HUGE reason that I’ve been feeling this way recently is hormonal. My periods have been irregular, extremely heavy and very painful. I believe that something is happening inside of my body that isn’t “right”. I feel so awful all of the time and I hardly am able to sleep. I’m worn out and that is contributing to my emotional state.
I just wish people could try to understand where I’m coming from. I’m actually a happy, fun loving person. I just have these voices in my head (satan, perhaps?) that want me to believe ugly things about myself. If that pisses you off, that I struggle with these things? I don’t know what to say.
(this concludes any FURTHER TALK ABOUT MY ISSUES, I’M ALL ISSUED OUT. From now on, it’s farts, ‘gineys and reality tv. Ok? OK!)

26 thoughts on “Can a girl get a little understanding?

  1. Carolyn Rau

    SEE A DOCTOR. ob-gyn here you go. You need options, help and information- from a very reliable source. Delurking for this one comment and relurking again. Love your writing. Carolyn

  2. Aitch

    But I like hearing about your issues. It helps me not feel so insane about my own, to know I am not alone in my doubtful, hurting thoughts. I just want you to understand (and I know you do) that even perfect strangers whom you’ve never talked to, never anything with think you’re pretty damn kick ass for all kindsa reasons than your giney talk.

  3. tanya

    It’s not just that. We all know you’re just venting, but you have so much. You have a husband that adores you and three kids that think you hung the moon, and so much god-given talent for writing and photography and humor. For those of us that don’t have that, listening to you say how much your life sucks can really sting. Because if your life is abysmal with all that, what good is ours?
    I would never have brought that up if you hadn’t mentioned it, because I know you’re just venting, and you should get it out. And it doesn’t piss me off, I swear! But girl, when we both pms at the same time, you just about kill me.
    Anyway, bring on the G farts. I’m all about the G farts. :o)

  4. Y

    I hear what you’re saying, but I never said that my “life sucks”.
    I am SO SO blessed. I know this. It’s just about how I feel about MYSELF. In my head, when I’m alone. You know?

  5. vicki

    I come over here often and my impression is that you do a great job of bringing humor and sarcasm to the “life sucks” aspect of things and that, beyond that, you ARE well aware of your gifts and blessings and that you find a lot of pleasure in your life.
    Wait! I know Carolyn! She never de-lurked at my place! Huh! Lucky you…she gives good advice. See a doctor re the hormone stuff- sooner rather than later.

  6. zee

    I hear you, Yvonne. You are not alone. Let it out, and let it go… any which way you can.
    Give voice to your feelings, because sometimes that’s the only way to deal ‘through’ our demons.

  7. Jessica

    Y, you should write about whatever you want to write about. writing is theraputic for you. don’t evern stop doing what you have been doing. you are well aware of the wonderful life that you have. your posts are wonderful. they show every aspect of how you feel about everything you have and also how you feel about yourself.
    ok i’m babbling too much here. what i’m trying to say is that if writing about all of this makes you happy, then nothing should stop you from doing so.

  8. Karen

    Y, Delurking too, I’ve been reading you for a few years, even back at the “old” blog. I think you may have thyroid issues. The weight, f-ed up periods, emotional stuff, all that. Go get a thyroid pannel done, including TSH, T-3, T-4, and thyroid antibodies. Anything over a 4or5 TSH need treatment. Go to Good stuff there. I love your blog and have come to love hearing about the kids.

  9. Kellerbell

    I have the same self hatred issues. I love my life, my kids, my hubby, but I absolutely hate myself. I’ve hated myself fat, I’ve hated myself skinny. I’ve pretty much come to accept that I probably will always hate myself. For some reason I can’t control it.

  10. Debbie

    It’s hard to take real honesty and that’s what you do. You say the things we all only think and that makes us uncomfortable. That’s why you’re a good writer. You touch people. I’m still trying to get over my cake-envy.
    I’m all for the doctor. I started a hormone cream and it has helped lots! But check it all out and find out if its thyroid or hormones or whatever –you should not have to live like this!

  11. Heatheranne

    Keep writing about whatever it is that you’re feeling because man, it helps a lot of us to know we’re not alone. I think that some people who come here have never had to deal with depression so they don’t understand how it feels or the nasty things that go through the mind of a depressed person. My husband once told me that I could win the lottery and turn it into a bad thing by saying “Sure, but it wasn’t fifty million.” That’s how depression works. It’s not that your life is terrible or that you’re ugly, it’s that you FEEL terrible and you FEEL ugly. I know this all too well.
    Sorry for the rant, really what I’m trying to say is you have tons of understanding from here!

  12. Shylah

    I’ve always been able to relate to your posts.. sometimes so strongly they make me cry – but I’ve also been one of those people who wanted (and did, a time or two) to tell you that you’re beautiful and we love you and to focus on that.
    I had something happen the other day that was a near carbon-copy of one of your entries from a while back, and something finally clicked with me. I thought of you, and then I thought of how grateful I am that you’re able to be as open and raw as you are here. Like I told you last night, I’m not glad you’re suffering, but I sure am glad that I’m not crazy.

  13. JustLinda

    I’ve been enjoying your blog immensely. I am a fat chick and I *get* that this is you venting about how you feel about YOU and that it has nothing to do with how you feel about other people. When I used to hear skinny chicks moan “I’m so faaaat.” it used to bother me. I would think “Sheesh, I wonder what she must think about ME.”
    But now? I know we’re all a bunch of f-cked up women just doing our best and that what you feel about you has nothing to do with what you feel about me and that most of us have effed up self-images to the point where normal sized women can see themselves as fat and still find me (who IS fat) as beautiful.
    What a world… what a crazy mixed up world.

  14. Fiona

    Y…i understand about the ‘in the head’ stuff….i get up every weekday, go off to do a fairly important job, which i do well and get paid an awful lot for…and my head is wrapped around work and issues at work and things to do for work
    then i come home and the weekends pull me down…i feel similar thoughts to you….i become the person inside me i keep hidden all week….i’d be hard pressed to go out at the weekend actually coz of how i feel….but monday comes around again and i put on my work clothes and off i go….long suppressing the feelings that came to the surface when i gave myself time to think about them
    the fat ugly useless me
    i know i’m not really all those things, but there’s this part of my brain that keeps telling me i am…and yes, sadly, because of trust i guess, my b/f gets to hear them sometimes and god how Regina Lynn got that so right….my b/f actually has said to me that he’s not going to tell me i’m beautiful anymore coz i keep shooting him down
    keep writing about whatever you want to write about Y….i’ll always stop by daily to read, smile, laugh and yes, sometimes cry with you

  15. Jenny

    i totally know how you feel. i been goin thru the same thing about my weight and how i look. its hard. ignore the idiots. this is your place. not theirs. if they dont like it they can leave!

  16. Vickie

    I know you sometimes dont get to email for awhile..sent you something offtopic i think is important……

  17. Mari

    I have been there. I am there. I went to the doctor myself last week, I had some tests done, and may have to have some major stuff going on, but I feel better that I went. I had similar things going on you have, and not knowing is the hard part. Getting to the doc is the best thing you can do for you. And once you take care of you, you’re better for that beautiful little girl and those handsome boys ya got there.
    Take care of yourself.

  18. Colleen

    Just remember that those people who are attacking you for your posts are lashing out because that even though you are speaking YOUR truth, you may be speaking their truth as well and it makes them very uncomfortable. It’s sad that they just can’t keep their mouth shut, but some people feel the need to hurt because they hurt too.
    I’m not excusing or condoning that behavior. It’s inexcusable and those people need to be conked on the head to say the least, but I’ll betcha ya anything that’s what’s going on.
    I agree, go to the doctor. Seriously.

  19. Shelley

    Hey Yvonne…I hope you are feeling better…and that you are going to take the others’ advice and go see the doctor.
    I can totally hear where you are coming from…I see others that aren’t a size 2 and see them as beautiful, but I don’t see that about myself.
    I see my own pudge and I see the loneliness and I see all that stuff that the pudge represents. Will I be happier just because I lose weight and am thinner…no, wait…maybe the answer to that is yes. I will be happier because I might just be taking control of my life.
    And you know…something I do see people who are heavier and inside I look at them and judge them…but it’s not about them, I know that…it’s that when I see them…I see me…so, it’s just a removed way of continuing to judge myself.
    Give yourself a break…and if people don’t like it, fuk em…and invite them to find another blog that just isn’t interested in telling the cold, hard, ugly, FAT truth!
    Love ya!

  20. Tammy/averagemom

    Okay. I just last week went and had the whole “looking up the ‘gina to see the uterus” surgery, because for months I’ve felt “off”. Go. See the doctor. It’s worth it, and even though it’s too soon to know what physical difference it will make to me, emotionally it made a huge difference to finally have the doctor say “yeah, you’re not crazy, things up there needed some help.” Go! Now!!

  21. chris

    been there, done that, got the t-shirt, but still in the neighborhood with some of this stuff. it’s your stuff, it’s your blog, so you say what you want to say! i had a hysterectomy after #4 and it was the best medical procedure i’ve ever had. didn’t help with fat in the head stuff, but that’s an ongoing battle. knowledge is power-go for it!

  22. clickmom

    Y- just got back from a girls weekend with all my skinny friends. I had the opportunity to skinny dip in front of these women who do things like join weight watchers to lose 5 pounds, and I did it anyways. Why did I do it? Because it feels good, and because my body is my body what ever state it is in at the moment, and I just wanted to have some fun. Well, the 5 lb. WW friend stared in awe as I swam and dived, we explained to her that big boobs di indeed float, and she just couldn’t believe what she was seeing. You know what? At the end of the day I was happy and satisfied and she had missed out. Accept yourself, enjoy life, and most of all don’t miss out.
    PS I am down 40- only 70 more to go!

  23. heatherg

    See a Doctor Y.
    You need to see a doc.
    You may very well need hormones or whatever, but it totally sounds like this is medical. I think its more than “if i lost 5 pounds i would be happier”

  24. hed

    Oh, I TOTALLY know. I don’t know what it is about the hormones, but damn. They really do take a lot out of you, and have a tendency to turn the negativity inward. I’ve been there. I know. I wanted to erase my reflection from the mirror. Not that I tried, but still, It sucks donkey taint.
    I still think you are adorable.
    And never say never. If you have to get something out, remember that this site is for you. Writing is one of the most constructive, thereapeutic resources, even if others get confused by it.
    Do whatever you have to do to help you.

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