!!!!!!!)%(%*%##!!!!! and also, shit.

Spending time on the computer isn’t something I’m able to do much anymore. The reason?

With each passing minute, she is learning new things, discovering more ways to get into trouble, figuring out that she can “refuse” to do things, and so on and so forth.
In the past 2 weeks, she has learned the following
-How to climb out of her crib, but more like, “flip out, land on her back and get the wind knocked out of her”, which I suppose is better than “land on her neck and paralyze herself,” but, still.
-How to climb up onto her changing table and turn her fan on and off.
-How to climb onto the kitchen table and “jump up and down” on it.
-How to climb onto my bed.
-How to do summersaults.
-How to turn on the stereo and crank it on full blast.
-How to open doors
-That she doesn’t HAVE to take two naps. NO, one is good enough, thank you very much.
Combine that with all of the Mad Toddler Skillz she already possessed, (like peeling the border off of her wall instead of taking a nap, taking her bedding off of her mattress everytime that I lay her down, taking her diaper off no matter how many times I duct tape it, throwing herself on the floor whilst screaming bloody murder when she doesn’t get something that she wants.) and life as I knew it is PRETTY MUCH OVER.
Also? My computer is being a little bitch and I’m sure it’s because she’s old and about to die, but something that should take me 30 seconds, takes MINUTES and minutes are precious when all that you have are 30 of them to get something done on here.
I’ve been trying to write about The Wedding for 2 days now and I just can’t seem to finish it. I mean, I know you’re all dying to read it, you just have to believe that I’m working on it.
I feel guilty because I’ve not been visiting other bloggers NOR have I been answering my emails. That’s shitty of me, and I am sorry. I just hope that you know it’s not for any other reason except…

My “computer time” is not the only thing that’s been taken from me. So has my “do the laundry” time and “Load the dishwasher” time and “scrub the tub” time and “sit down to watch a little Maury” time because girlfriend be gettin’ into trouble every minute of every day and I.Can.Not.Accomplish.Anything.Including.Taking.A.Dump. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.
I’m actually thinking of taking her to a friends house (who runs a daycare) one day a week. NOT so that I can spend time on the computer (lieeeeess) but so that I can have ONE DAY to myself, to get work done, to write, so answer email, TO TAKE A MOTHERFUCKING DUMP IN PEACE.
I’m off to see a show at The Improv with Jay Mohr. I just wanted to let you know what was going on in my crazy and yet totally average and boring life.

30 thoughts on “!!!!!!!)%(%*%##!!!!! and also, shit.

  1. GFI

    Awe, she’s the perfect distraction 🙂
    Have fun at Jay Mohr tonight(CUUUTTTTIEEE) and GIRL, save some laughs for K.G coming up!!! 🙂

  2. Stacey

    You could have titled that A Day in the Life of Stacey. I have not only the 2 year old drama queen, but a 3 – 1/2 year old too. I quit my job to stay home with them and I still take them to a babysitter once a week to preserve what is left of my sanity. Do it.

  3. stepherz

    But. Oh my goodness. If you have to be driven crazy by someone, they better be cute as hell. She has definately mastered the cute as hell thing…

  4. Nila

    Bring on the babysitter. A girl’s just gotta be able to take a dump in peace, sometimes that’s the only peace you can get.

  5. Cheryl

    I have a daycare in my home and believe me, if it wasn’t for the 2 hour nap all the kids take in the afternoon…..I don’t even wanna think about it. There are some days when one of them doesn’t sleep or isn’t quiet most or all of the 2 hours but most of the time they are. I’m sorry to hear you don’t get as much computer time now but I’m also glad to hear that it’s not because of me that you haven’t returned my emails 🙂

  6. Tammy

    By all means, take her to a friend’s house for a day! A whole day to poop, nap, and visit friends is important. And just think of what it will do for HER, too!

  7. Dina

    You scare me in all ways possible! My daughter is nearing one, this Sunday to be exact, and I already thought she was a holy terror for me. I can totally see her doing all those things that your precious does right now. UGH! Is this what little girls do?

  8. danelle

    I can’t even imagine. Either my kids didn’t “learn” all that or else it’s just been too long ago to remember. Definitely take her to day care at LEAST once a week. It will be good for both of you. Then call SuperNanny and get out the naughty stool! lol

  9. lisabc

    I can empathize with you Yvonne. My daughter will be one next month and it’s a good thing that she was born second otherwise she’d be an only child. Hubby and I love her to bits….but OH MY! She fights sleep like it’s death and has to be held constantly. If she naps once a day we’re lucky. God grant us patience and more patience. I don’t even want to think what she’s going to be like when she’s a teenager.

  10. Velma

    If it wasn’t for part-time child care, I would have lost my mind 3 years ago. That time alone to do whatever – get a haircut, go to the doctor, whiz through the grocery store without the wailing and the flailing – has been crucial to my sanity.

  11. ben

    A dump. In peace.
    Ah, I remember those days.
    Now? When the kids aren’t home? It’s the dog. The damn dog needs my attention.
    My girls pretty bouncy, too. Jumps on everything and anything. Climbs like a monkey. Falls like a turd. Cries like a banshee.
    You have my sympathies…

  12. Corrie

    Oh man, it doesn’t get better? My daughter is only 6 months old and I have yet to poop by myself. Laundry? Hah! I can only type this because she is on my lap, farting. FUN!

  13. Jerri Ann

    we have
    – the diaper removal stuff
    – the border peeling stuff
    – the climbing on anything and everything stuff
    – the general staying in trouble ALL day stuff
    you can do it, and maybe I can too, lol

  14. Jenn

    Wait, are you saying toddlers are a handful? Ha ha.
    I am four years older than the next child in my family and I still very clearly remember when he was two and did lovely things like:
    1. climbed on a chair in my room and yanked every beloved book off my bookshelf and threw them in a heap on the floor
    2. covered the bathroom, himself, our dog, and the upstairs hallway in baby powder
    3. ditto with noxzema
    4. climbed on the dining room table just before a Halloween party and stuck his hands in the “black cat” cake my mom had carefully prepared
    5. dumped an entire box of cheerios on the (carpeted – I know, not smart) kitchen floor and proceeded to stamp them into dust as we watched in horror

  15. zorgon

    Oh hell yeah. When our two oldest went off to school and the youngest finally got placed in day care the wife announced in a loud voice that she was going to spend the entire got-damn day in the bathroom and nobody was going to bug her. NOBODY.

  16. Kristin

    She is too damn cute, but, as a mother of a 2 year old, I know this evil of which you speak… Eva has learned to open the pool cover which basically turns the backyard into one giant swamp of potential death.
    Send her to daycare one day a week… everyone needs/deserves a break!!

  17. demondoll

    I cannot get over how beautiful your babies are. And your littlest- she is cute even though she looks like she wants to smash your beloved camera.

  18. Skatemom

    run Disk Cleanup on your PC, trash anyting you don’t recognize, then run a spyware program like Adaware, then disconnect it from the network, turn off screensavers, etc. and run defrag. It might take all night, but it will be better for it. It really does make a difference.
    as for the little one with the eyes, can’t help you there. sorry.

  19. Lisa

    I can totally sympathize with you, girl! What is up with the constant need for nakedness?? My girls do that all the time. We all went to Super Walmart the other night, and when my husband went to put our 2 year old in the cart, she pretty much flashed her bare ass at everyone in the Subway directly behind him. We had no clue she didn’t have a diaper. He took her out, red-faced, to put one on. Oy vey.

  20. Chaeriste

    My goddaughter, who is now 6 (and heaven only knows how she made it that far), was 2 and we were preparing for her birthday party. We put her down for a nap so she’d be all fresh and happy for her worshippers. She bitched and whined, but we let her calm herself down and proceeded to do what we needed to do. About 2 hrs later, her mom went in to get her ready, and I hear this scream: OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?!?! Now, the mama is not the excitable type. She always talks to her kids in low tones, never loses her mind. We go in to see what’s up, and little Miss Lauren is sitting on the edge of her crib, ankles crossed, remorseless. Above her crib is the REMAINS of her wallpaper border, which she had spent the last two hours carefully peeling in curling slivers and artistically decorating her crib. I never saw Kim (her mother) so mad. She lost her mind. Kept coming into Lauren’s room and giving her ANOTHER punishment. My favorite was ‘and you know that money that Grandma sent for your birthday? That we were going to American Girl Store with? I’m buying NEW WALLPAPER WITH IT!!!’ I thought she was going to kill her.

  21. Amy

    DO IT! When my twins were little I would spend my precious little pennies to send them to a neighbors day care for a morning a week. Amazing what I could accomplish in 4 hours and good for them.

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