I do believe this is what The People call “Venting.”

A friend called and asked if I could come over to help her with her computer.
“Yes!” I said “I’ll be there in 30 minutes.”
Obviously, I said that without taking into consideration that I have a daughter who can not stay in one place for more than 30 seconds at a time and who destroys anything she can get her hands on in those 30 seconds that she does stay in one place and OH MY GOD I WISH I COULD AFFORD TO PUT HER IN PRESCHOOL AND HOW MANY MORE YEARS UNTIL KINDERGARTEN?
In the 20 minutes since hanging up on the phone with my friend, my daughter has
-taken everything out of my jewelery box.
-taken the ONLY 4 maxipads that I have left apart and scattered througout the hall.
-opened my bank statement and littered the checks throughout the entire house.
-tried to shoved a cd into the cd player, scratching the cd to hell.
-climbed onto the kitchen table and turned on the ceiling fan, which THANK YOU CHILD, for it is hot, but OMG. YOU COULD HAVE DIED.
-PLUGGED IN MY CELL PHONE CHARGER. (Again, OMG! COULD HAVE DIED.)
-Pooped.
-dropped my MAC pressed powder and broke it.
I’m seriously praying to The Lord in the Heavens Above to give me the patience, love, understanding and wisdom THIS VERY MINUTE because I’m *THIS CLOSE* to losing my damn mind and um, my temper because OH MY GOD LITTLE CHILD OF MINE CAN I GET READY WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT YOU KILING YOURSELF OF BREAKING THINGS THAT COST A LOT OF MONEY TO REPLACE!?!111ALLCAPS!!!!
Oh, the drama.
Tell me about it, girlfriend. Seriously. Tell me about it.

17 thoughts on “I do believe this is what The People call “Venting.””

  1. PK

    1)Sympathy/empathy/etc and so forth
    2)Spartan bedroom
    3)Door
    4)Lock
    Not, of course, that it will save you, but it will give you time to run. Remind me to send you the photo of the Boy at that age, covered in the diaper cream with which he smeared himself and most of his room 5 minutes before his be-suited father was planning on taking him to school before his (father’s) business meeting.
    Good times, my friend!!

  3. jenfromboston

    I swear, the kids have laser beam like detection of where and when to hurt you most (i.e. last 4 pads, MAC makeup, when you’re trying to leave). I found my 4 year old niece went into my makeup bag and only thing she touched? and dug her little mitts in? The little tub of Creme de la Mer. You know how much that shit costs???
    SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!!

  5. Nancy

    Not the cages, not the cages!!! Use a crate. That way, if anyone calls DCF, you can swear she just climbs in there because she wants to be closer to the dog. Oh, BTW, do you have a dog? Hope so, otherwise DCF might be a hassle.
    When my baby ( 22 now) was 2, she managed to reach a container of Vaseline on her dressing table at nap time. By the time I caught on that she had been asleep *a little too long*, the walls, her body, her furniture and most of her clean clothes has a thin layer of Petroleum Jelly all over them. It took days and LOTS of swear words to clean.

  7. Beth

    Oh, I remember those days. And people thought I did nothing all day. ACK! I like the locked door idea. I had a hexagonal play yard/gate thingy for my son and it helped somewhat, although I don’t know how a hard-core climber would do in that. If you thought she would stay in the bathtub (not filled with water!) long enough for you to get dressed, you could give her a few cups of water and let her pour them back and forth. After you’re dressed, you could dress her and fly off to your friend’s house. But you’re probably there already. ;^)

  11. DebbieS

    Oh no! Amazing how they try to off themselves in the nanosecond that you have your back turned. I had one of those hobbyhorses on springs when I was a kid,and I smeared the whole thing with Vaseline the minute my mom wasn’t looking. And my daughter? Got ahold of the baby of baby Advil and broke it on the tile floor and thank GOD I saw her in time to keep her from simultaneously cutting and poisoning herself.
    As for the MAC powder (sob! that sh*t’s expensive!), don’t quote me on this, but I have read that you can combine the broken powder with rubbing alcohol to make a paste, spread it back into the compact, and the alcohol will evaporate and voila! powder is no longer, uhh, powdery. Worth a try if you haven’t already given it a proper burial.

  12. savesanimals

    My theory: ‘God made them cute so you don’t kill them. ‘
    My friends theory: ‘Now I know why some species (sp?) eat their young. ‘
    Hm. I’m not sure, but I think I like hers better!! She wins. This time!
    All is good…this too shall pass for you!!

  13. Kristi

    She’s still cute even when she’s having a fit!
    My daughter when she was that young did the same thing, only it was red lipstick and at the church. I just bent over to help my son tie his shoelaces, turned around and she had taken out my red lipstick and wrote all over the cross with it.
    I know I’m going to hell.

  14. k8

    heh. i know the feeling. i’m a teacher & i’ve been home w my twins by myself all summer and i actually can’t wait for school to start tomorrow. joy and guilt- the 2 best things about motherhood.

Comments are closed.