Me so Aerobic

Last night was The Second Return to Aerobic Dance Class.
You see, I had been avoiding it since the night that I had decided it would be a great idea to wear a thong to class.
I always wear my granny panties to class, because they are comfortable and I want to be comfortable when I’m doing great moves, such as The Monkey. Here’s the thing. My Aerobic Dance instructor is adorable and I love her and I secretly want to be just like her, Russian accent and all.
The other night, I got the crazy idea to be just like Anna and NOT wear granny panties, but instead, to wear the ONE thong that I own. (Which, haha, is about a whole size too small.) I was all “I want to be sexy when I’m bending over during the stretches just like Anna!”
About 5 minutes into the dance (which happened to be “The Latin Dance”.) I realized that I had made a huge mistake by wearing the thong to dance class. The first time that I took a step, my ass opened up and swollwed that thing WHOLE and OMG! PAIN! EMBARASSMENT! SHAME! But mostly… PAIN!”
All I could think about was how obvious it must have been to everyone behind me that my ass had eaten my thong and I couldn’t think about anything but “the missing thong.” I was trying to get into the dance, to be one with the dance, to let my aerobic dance greateness shine through like it always does, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the stupid thong. Anna would be all “Mambo!” and I would be all “SHIT! THONG! UP MY ASS! CAN’T.MOVE!”
I may as well have worn a blinking sign on my ass that night.
(Oh Em Gee, is she avoiding talking about her previous entry? I think she is!)
That was the first time that I did not enjoy an aerobic dance class. The first time that I almost faked getting injured so that I could leave class early. The first time that I walked out saying “I’LL NEVER GO BACK AGAIN!”
(Oh, so hilarious when I get all cinematically dramatic about aerobic dance class.)
God, that sounds so dumb. Vowing to never do something that I love so much because my ass decided to “chew a little fiber”, wounding my precious crack and quite possibly my pride. But? I hadn’t gone back since that class.
Until last night.
Do I need to tell you that I didn’t wear a thong, but, rather, a very large pair of pale blue cotton panties that have pictures of “water wells” scattered about?
When Anna saw me, she asked me where I had been for all of these weeks, because she’s missed me “so much.” I thought about it for a second. “UM, how do I tell this women that I haven’t been here because I was humiliated when the thong that I wore in a lame attempt to be just like her, was viciously chewed up and swallowed by my buttocks?”
“I’ve just been lazy.” I blurted out.
“Oh, don’t be lazy! Come! Dance! I need you here.”
(Oh my God! She needs me! Anna needs me!)
And then, she did the greatest thing that anyone has done for me in like 4 whole days and said “Well, I’m happy you’re here! Tonight, we do The Dirty Dance.
My God, I love that woman.
But not as much as I love thrusting my hips to a beautiful melody and “Then you roll your tongue, from the crack back to the front” blasting from the speakers.

66 thoughts on “Me so Aerobic

  1. Finy

    OMG, you just had me laughing so hard I actually snorted in my office.
    I desperately want to find an aerobic dance class in my area, but since I am broke, I just went out and bought one of the Crunch DVDs instead … not the same, but still a more fun workout than walking around the park.

  2. ben

    This post is useless without pictures.
    Well, not useless. How about less fulfilling?
    I’m not avoiding your last post, either, I just like talking about butt-floss with people I’ve never met.

  3. Y

    Is that why people aren’t commenting? Lack of pictures?
    haha. I’m tempted to take pictures of the thong. (because, yes, I was able to retrive it from my ass.)

  4. Erin

    I love this post. Really. Love. it. I dont even know you, but I can see you with your thong shoved up your ass, acting all nonchalant, like there is nothing at all wrong. In your mind, willing people not to look at you like WTF!?!?!? is wrong with you! Hahaha!

  5. Nina

    That’s why I don’t ever wear thongs. I don’t like feeling something up there all the time. I feel like if you don’t want pantylines…don’t wear panties! (I never do that either, I’m a prude. haha) And to me, seeing (or not seeing, as is my case) a string up someone’s ass just isn’t hot. hehe

  6. Heatherg

    When i wear one of my 3 (3!) thongs, i always feel like i got a wedgy. I have to KNOW i am going to get so drunk that i will forget about it in an hour before i can put one on.
    Thongs have sizes?
    Maybe thats my problem?
    Oh and shame aside,
    I have put on a thong and slid the thong part to the right of my butt cheek. (it takes it longer to creep then!)
    and i
    Plus ,
    My thong, even when on right, never (NEVA!!!!!!!) looks as sexxxxy as them other ladies, and i cant seem to get it to show at the MOST INAPPROPRIATE TIMES either?

  7. wordnerd

    I want you to know that I almost choked to death on my piece of gum. Just so you know.
    I now know that I should never, EVER visit this site with anything in or near my mouth.
    That is all.

  8. Jenny

    Thong Feast.
    This is my new favorite phrase. I want to start a band or have a kid just so I can use “Thong Feast” as a name.

  9. julianna

    Ok, so is there a thong that does NOT go up the crack? I don’t wear them! have a few, and they only come out when SOMEONE begs for them, and OMG I have no idea why? because they are HIDEOUS and make me look really disgusting. It’s like here: oh, cellulite. Oh no wait, let’s add a FRAME to that.
    They are only good for sex in public places. Like an office. Just saying.

  10. Brandi

    My husband was apparently reading over my shoulder while I was reading this post and was all “THONG FEAST IN PROGRESS…what are you reading?”
    OMG, Y…you are quite possibly the funniest person I have never met.

  11. Rachel

    OMG, my sister-in-law thought I was choking because I was trying to laugh without making any noise. Can’t wake the sleeping infant, they get really pissed off at you when you do that.
    Anna needs you! You are the aerobic dance.

  12. Maria

    I feel terribly guilty that I LOL and fell a little in love with you because of your story telling skills … your “embarassing” story telling skills.
    Anna needs you!! Yeah!

  13. Attention Whore

    Isn’t the whole purpose of a thong to creep into your nether regions and make you squirm a little bit…is that not the joy of them?….no? It isn’t? oh…uuhhhm…k…nice dancing Y. *cough cough.

  14. Amy

    I thought I was over coughing up a lung until this post started a coughing fit that I just could not stop. I want you to know that on top of the coughing, or more specifically because of it, I peed my pants.

  15. Jen

    That was quite possibly the funniest post EVER. Baby had just falled asleep, so I was all trying to laugh quietly. As if!!
    Whole damned house is awake now. LOL
    I really wish I had gotten the chance to meet you when you were here visiting R and T.

  16. steen

    By the way, today, I was at lunch wtih the guys and some girl sat down near us. She showed so much crack, it was like the Grand Canyon… so I called her Thong Eater.

  17. baseballmom

    OMG, you kill me…you are so damn funny! I was DYING when I read this post. A friend of mine sent her stepdaughter to the store to get maxi pads once, and she got THONG maxi pads…now tell me, what good would that do? Who wears a thong during THAT TIME? Also? One day at work (I work in the school lunch room) a mom came to eat with her kid, and had on low-rise jeans and a thong…suffice it to say she bought her jeans WAY too small ’cause there was a mile of crack showing. I dared my co-worker to go drop a pencil in her crack. She wouldn’t even do it for a hundred bucks, but we laughed so hard we cried!

  18. Helen

    Hoorah! I laughed about thongs when I thought I would never find them remotely funny, my 17 year old daughter wears them and I see too much of them, which means the whole world does too, this post though had me snorting and sending your link to people who think they can’t laugh anymore….I bet they can and DID. Thankyou!

  19. LotionBarBunny

    As a dancer in my former life, I could’ve warned you about the thong. Because once its swallowed, you start doing this walk where you are trying to shift it out of your crack or manuvering yourself in such a way that you can try to pull it out without anyone looking, but then you are so overdoing it, that it is plainly obvious.
    Glad you know that granny panties are the way to go. Because who cares that your ass looks nice, when you can literally kick ass with awesome dance moves?

  20. Faith

    How appropriate was that song? From the crack back to the front, eh? JUST LIKE YOUR THONG, SISTA!!
    I hate thongs.
    And when my coworker and I went to Vic’s Secret this past week, and she started talking to me about how hard it is to find the double-string bikini underwear that she prefers, I laughed at her. Laughed in her face. Then I went to go get the SIZE LARGE, COVERS MY WHOLE ASS AND HIP underwear that I wear, and almost threw them at her and told her to cut the hip area into as many strings as she needed.

  21. sfk

    i came here somehow or other via some trainwreck sort of site, and hell. this blog is hilarious. those crazy people are wrong. you’re fabulous.

  22. Stefanie

    You are so very funny. I don’t really know how a link to my blog ended up in your sidebar but it led me here and I had a laugh. While you are losing weight, I’m on a gaining streak that defies the odds. Elastic waistband here I come a runnin’.

  23. Wacky Mommy

    And THIS is exactly why I gave up on aerobics. And pilates. And spinning. Also whenever I did spinning class I got that horrible Raffi song stuck in my head, “Knees Up Mother Brown.”

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