Counting The Minutes

Every morning after I drop the kids off at school, I take a drive up to the new house. I love to drive up to the neighborhood. It’s beautiful. The streets are lined with trees. The homes are large and gorgeous. It’s peaceful and quite. People are out walking their dogs, or riding their horses.
It’s nothing at all like the ‘hood we lived in.
We’re so not going to fit in. Most of the people there are wealthy. They are dentists, they are doctors. They are attorneys. They drive Escalades and Hummers.
We are construction workers and Headline Rotaters**. We drive 95 Galants and Mini-vans.
It’s only a few minutes up the road from where we used to live, but it’s an entirely different world up there.
In my old neighborhood, it wasn’t out of the ordinary to see shirtless men with hairy beer belly’s walking across the street with a rifle resting on their shoulder. It wasn’t even the slightest bit weird to have drunk men knock on your door at 10pm to tell you “not to worry if you hear loud noises” coming from their backyard because they were going to be “playing with their potato launcher.” No one batted an eye when ex-boyfriend’s made the hill across the street their “home” because they got kicked out of the house and slapped with a restraining order. It wasn’t unusual to see 30 kids running crazy in the streets, most of them without socks or shoes and a couple of them in diapers.
I’ve been down the street of my new neighborhood at least 20 times and I have yet to see a kid playing outside. I have yet to see a shirtless man drinking a beer while yelling at His Woman. I have yet to see cops in front of a house while a young drunk mother shouts “IT WAS SELF DEFENSE” at them. I have yet to see a grown man come running out of the backyard with his shirt on fire. I have yet to see a mother of 5 kids having sex on the front lawn.
And while I’m pretty happy about that, I would be lying if I didn’t say a small part of me is crying on the inside because how boring.
Seriously, my old neighborhood was trashy in every way, but it was exciting and often times, hilarious. (Except for the time when me and my friends were out front at midnight, drinking smirnoffs and doing cartwheels and someone decided to pull out a shotgun and KILL A MAN across the street. That wasn’t hilarious at all.)
The silence in our new neighborhood is a little creepy because I’m not used to it. I’m not used to hearing crickets, I’m not used to hearing the leaves on the trees as the wind blows, but I’m looking forward to sleeping in peace and not getting woke up at 2 in the morning by my neighbor stabbing his dad while the mom throws furniture out onto the driveway.
I’m also looking forward to having The Jesus Approved Sex&trade without having my husband put his hand over my mouth to mute The Moans, because, you know, my Dad might hear us.
Two more days, people. Until Sex! And privacy! And MY OWN BED! And! And! ANNNNNDDD!
[Howard Dean Scream]YEeeeeaAAAAAAH[/Howard Dean Scream]

79 thoughts on “Counting The Minutes

  1. ambrosia

    We just moved to a new city, and in the process decided that if we needed to give up food altogether, we were going to live in a slightly better part of town than what we were coming from. It’s nice (and we can even still afford food, which is nice too), but the other day Rj and I were standing outside and I looked at him and said ‘Our neighborhood is so damn boring’. When you spend all your time at home and the neighborhood is your free entertainment, it does kinda suck in a way to move up.

  2. Audrey

    I am so happy for you! Maybe you will bring the new neighbors the excitement that is lacking from the new neighborhood. But without the dead people. It could turn out to be the best of both worlds.

  3. Jill

    What are “Headline Rotaters**”? Does it have anything to do with your new job, which I’ve been dying for you to write about for ages, but have only been getting little, teasing mentions???

  4. Jenn

    Your neighbor had sex on the front lawn? Seriously? All my neighbors do is sit on their front stoops and swear at their kids. You? You get free (albeit vaguely disgusting [but let’s not kid ourselves ’cause sometimes that’s the best kind there is])porn. Dude. Pennsylvania sucks.

    Oh, well. The new neighborhood may be boring, but at least it will be (fingers crossed) Judy-Free. Best of luck with the move.

  5. y

    Jenn–Yes. Sex on the lawn. NO LIE.
    And I am not so sure about it being “Judy Free”. Judy’s already demanded that I leave all of my new information with my mother (my address, phone number and names OF MY CHILDREN, to be exact) and I’m not so sure my mother won’t give it to her.

  6. AmyM

    You sure know how to crack a girl up. Damn.
    I am really glad I don’t live in your old neighborhood. Really glad. Yikes!
    Are you having a housewarming party? Ask Judy if she’ll buy my plane ticket.

  7. Miss Britt

    Ok, so your Dad won’t hear.
    Of course… now you have to worry about the neighbors hearing. And you know people in that neighborhood don’t get The Moans. 😉

  8. Kristen

    I’m a huge fan of sex in my own bed.
    I know I know. It’s soooo risky to do it in your parents’ bed, but guess what.
    I’m old. I need a guaranteed lay.
    Hope it’s a mighty good one, Y!

  9. zdoodlebub

    So happy for you.
    Also DEMANDING (along with all of your other addicted readers) explanation on the Headline Rotators** AND your new job! The new fall season started last week! It’s time to quit leaving us hanging!

  10. dana michelle

    I couldn’t be happier for you asnd your family!! I hope if you like it there you will have an option to buy the house in the future.
    Your new neighborhood sounds lovely. I have to admit that I am still reeling from the revelations about your old ‘hood. I knew it was bad, but I’m not sure you ever wrote about ALL that stuff.
    Seriously? On the FRONT lawn??!!
    P.S. I would tell your mother that you will disown her if she gives Judy even one iota of information as to your whereabouts. You need to put a serious buffer zone between you and Mrs. Crazy!

  11. Ree

    Oh, the joys of loud sex. I love when Shortman decides to spend the night someplace. He’ll be 16 in a couple of weeks – so he’s worse than a parent. He rolls his eyes!

  12. Monet (aka birdsboss)

    Lol…you made me laugh so hard with the ghetto fabulous old hood….but
    Dude…here’s to better times….you will so totally fit in!

  13. Margaret

    My ‘hood looks all nice and proper and there’s all sorts of doctors and stuff who live here and let me tell you, you haven’t LIVED until you’ve seen your cardiologist neighbor drive his wife’s Mercedes into their pool because she lit his golf clubs on fire when he went to Vegas with his “Assistant.”
    I bet YOUR new ‘hood is just as fun!

  14. Mrs Butter B

    Well congrats on escapting the ghetto. Because honestly, won’t it be nice to lay down at night without hearing gunshots in the distance? Or being able to walk down the street without seeing at least one car up on cinder blocks?
    Or being able to take an evening stroll without seeing at least one of your neighbor’s baby daddies wearing a K-Fed approved wifebeater?
    Yeah. THought so. We too escaped the “ghetto” (which we referred to as our culturally diverse, non-materialistic suburb and actually enjoyed, simply for , as you put it, the entertainment factor).
    You’ll love this eventually. Your kids will thank you for it.
    So when do we get to see pictures of the new kitchen?!? I mean, that is the priority, right?

  15. kimblahg

    Ha, those pictures of you with the “wine” are hilarious. Congrats on the swanky new digs. I’m glad you have a kitchen that you don’t hate 🙂

  16. Y

    Holy sheeet!
    These comments are awesome.
    Margaret? HAAAAAAAA. I can only dream something like that happens.
    And Exciting Horse Poop Action– I think I know what my next tagline is going to be…

  17. elizabethsheryl

    I’m always saying Jesus Approved Sex and my husband doesn’t laugh and then I hit him. Thanks for making him a BATTERED HUSBAND. :p No, he just doesn’t

  18. lindsayc

    Y- i live in a neighbour hood like your new one. Very civil and very polite – sex is had indoors and not outside…. I would probably keel over if I saw a hairy gun toting man outside my front door! Enjoy your new place!

  19. witchypoo

    Delurking today.
    You look way too happy with that jug 😉
    Your entry was so much fun to read. I am happy that I had the foresight to forgo a beverage in front of my monitor.

  20. Marmite Breath

    If you’re this excited, I can’t even imagine how excited Tony is! Probably “can’t stand up in front of your parents because of a huge stiffie” excited!
    New house, new rules, new life. Awesome.
    And yes, I’m crass.

  21. Jhianna

    Wooohooo! I think I grew up in a semi-ghetto based on your description. I only had a drug dealer next door, screaming fights every other week, and nobody having sex on the lawn. Our current neighborhood sounds like yours, and it gets creepy after awhile!
    Delurking for The Great Mofo Delurk 2007.

  22. Candace Martin

    you can always come visit us in the old school hood. I wish it was as lively as your old digs or as lovely as you new one sounds to be…
    we are somewhere in the middle: not exciting or lush…
    but I’m thinking of having sex on the front lawn tonight.
    or maybe I’ll just kill a man. My neighbor hasn’t kept up on the mowing…..
    mazel tov on the new location…

  23. Mimipz5wjj

    Well, you never know — have you been down your new street at midnight?
    Our neighborhood can get pretty wild for a Bible Belt, suburban HOA enforced neighborhood…
    You know, revivals and all on the corner…

  24. Laural

    Oh My God!
    I totally know what you mean. We moved to be in a safer neighbourhood. And I truly enjoy that my son can play in the playground and not find needles, that if the cats get out of the house our neighbours bring them home and that the daycare parents never curse.
    But, I sware …
    Our new neighbourhood is never on the news. We never hear gun shots (good). It’s so bizarre. It’s wonderful and I’m happy. But it’s really quite uneventful. Like, I can’t tell you the last time I saw a cop enforcing anything.

  25. patois

    I can so see why you’d be counting the minutes. And, believe me, you’ll find plenty of bizarre happenings around the new hood. You’ll just have to dig a little deeper.

  26. emily

    Delurking for the great mofo delurk 🙂
    I’m so excited for your new house and so DYING to read the first ‘we’re home!’ post that will come with it.

  27. Paula

    Congrats on moving! I’m dying to see pics of the kitchen.
    I don’t know what it is, but Im obsessed with other peoples kitchens lol

  28. Y

    The kitchen is small, and simple, but pretty.
    Although, after the kitchen we had in the last house, I’m pretty sure that every kitchen looks beautiful to me.

  29. angie

    Yay for you!! It’s delurk day, even though I comment here sometimes anyway.
    Now waiting for pictures of the new place and neighborhood.

  30. mickey

    I have a post office box because there are some people I just don’t want to have access to my home address. (like the nutjob my parents & I used to live beside- she hounded my mom for my address after I moved out. mom was afraid to even give her the PO box.)
    But – CONGRATS! I hope you enjoy the new house and the boringness- it sounds like you need the change badly!

  31. margalit

    I’m so happy for you. I know living with your parents for all those months was hard, but it enabled you to find the right house in a great neighborhood, and that’s a blessing!

  32. MsShad

    How boring it’s going to be, but Jesus Approved Sex should make up for it.
    btw, how the HECK did you get your pictures to do that?

  33. Carolyn

    Are you kiddin’?! You’re going to be the life of the neighborhood! Outstanding! I’d love to have neighbors like you!! Wooohooo!
    Happy for you too. =)

  34. TamiW

    After reading about your neighborhood antics you’ve inspired me to write about my childhood home. Highlighted moments will consist of: when I was 6 and playing in the back yard and plain clothes detectives jumped over the fence with rifles in their hands while in pursuit of a criminal who’s car was parked next door. Or the drive by shooting that took place in the side yard. Or the motorcycle driver who flipped his bike over in front of our house and came to our door all bloody and battered and asked if he could use our phone. Good times.
    Thanks for the inspiration.

  35. Kay

    Maybe you and Pig Hunter can gussy up the neighborhood by having jesus approved sex on the front lawn while Gabby runs around in her undies and the boys shoot bottle rockets attached to little baby animals.
    Or maybe boring is good! 🙂
    Congratulations! I am so happy for you, but truth be told, more so for the sex and wine..ok and the house. But won’t you miss whatshername? I think you should invite her over for a housewarming, what do ya think?

  36. dana michelle

    Your new neighborhood may look so nicey-nice that it appears boring…
    2 words…
    Wisteria Lane.
    P.S. Can not WAIT to see pictures!!!!!

  37. Jess

    Oh that brought me back to our days at the little yellow crack house ( one of my lovely friends dubbed our old house that due to the neighborhood we lived in). I do miss the sound of gunfire or of the police ramming the front door of a home down the street because they were suspected of dealing meth.
    Our new neighborhood is pretty calm and quite comaired to our old place. Occationally I will hear the “boom bass boom” coming from a car stereo system that costs more than the car is worth, out in the distance and I will be taken back in time.
    I hope you enjoy your new home as much as we are enjoying ours. Good luck.

  38. Peggy

    Having had to once stay with a family member (with my entire family) I can honestly say that I understand and feel your extreme excitement about the move.
    I am so happy for you!!
    (I’ve been lurking for a while but in a postive way -not a creepy way 🙂 HA 😛

  39. Girl on a mission

    Ohhh the joys of moving in to a new house. And….to be able to run through the halls (after the kids leave) in the birthday suit…while drinking that wine- will be wicked! We just purchased our new home in June…and it was the best thing for our love life. There is nothing worst than answering to someone upstairs…when you’re living in the basement of a 74 year old lady- from hell! Dear lord…what were we thinking. Apparently, I was the ‘murderer’ and the spouse was the ‘sinner’….I think she was dipping in to too much Whiskey and water.
    Congrats on your new place! Enjoy the wine!

  40. Danielle

    When do you get Jesus approved Sex trademarked? Cause I’m using it all over the place and I’m not paying rights.
    We moved last year and we are in condo land. I still feel like they are going to find out who we are and say we can’t come back. It is nice that the kids can go out and play but it is kinda boring without the pimps, crack and people getting arrested on my car.

  41. Deb

    In our old home we lived on the corner of the development right at the entrance, no fence! So many things got stolen, and we heard the traffic going by, racing by, and loud people everywhere! There was trash in our yard all the time because we were on the end! We went over and beyond with Christmas lights because we were on the end of the entrance! Now, we are WAY back in the back of the development , and we are in a cul-de-sac. You cant see our house from the highway, and you cant see the highway from our house! You cant hear the traffic, and there is only 1 way in and 1 way out, its great!

  42. Alan

    But you will become the drunk woman with 5 kids, or the ex boyfriend, etc….because if its 90% as great as you are claiming that is it, you are still no more than a renter.
    Doctors, lawyers, dentists, etc..OWN homes not rent them, and everyone in your neighborhood will be saying or thinking “there goes those damn renters”.

  43. Loralee

    We are building on a lot we purchased next year and it is much the same. My neighbors are probably dealers and the rest of my house is surrounded by a tractor store and storage units.
    Go, me.
    The neighborhood we’re moving to is very nice. Huge lots big houses, successful people.
    Me? I’m moving there because the lot came with lots of trees, and in Utah? That’s worth more than gold.
    Anyway, congrats on moving and the soon-to-be-lusty and loud sex. It does a body good.

  44. Heather

    I feel like a stalker cause I’m wondering where your moving to. I live in So Cal and there are not too many places with horse property, so I keep wondering if your moving close to me and I might catch you at the grocery store or Target sometime soon! Don’t worry I’m not really stalking you but I would give you a wave at the store if I saw you! Good luck with the new Casa. Sometimes it’s good to move to a boring neighborhood, just maybe you guys can be the entertainment for the boring people! Ha ha ha ha!

  45. mauniejames3

    don’t drink the wine…if your anything like me you will unpack just enough stuff to be comfortable..put the kids to bed, run a bath…and if you have one drop of wine you will be out cold…to “welcome” each other another day…it’s sounds wonderfull but you will miss all the crazies…I did when we moved..
    we were even investagated by the DEA..oh such fun and games…

  46. Jen

    You need to find out where Alan lives, and go have Jesus Approved Sex on HIS lawn. Better yet, have PigHunter slam you up against his front door…
    Congrats on the new digs!! :o)

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