Yesterday I was informed that I needed to have a biopsy on my uterus. Five minutes later, I was laying on my back having things inserted into my vagina.
And it hurt.
And I was scared.
And I started to cry because my husband wasn’t there to hold my hand.
And also because the doctor said the “C” word, as in “we need to check for cancer.”
She also said that she didn’t think it was cancer, but because of my symptoms she absolutely needed to check as a precautionary measure.
She informed me that my endocrinologist had ordered a bunch of tests that would probably have the answer to why I hadn’t had a period since March 26. (last week I thought I started, but it was just a little bit of blood when I wiped (TMi!) and then… nothing.) So, after I was done having the biopsy, I headed to the lab where they took 5 viles of blood for 10 different tests.
They also handed me just the little bit of comic relief that I need to help get me through these uncertain times…
My Giant Jug O’ Pee.
That right there is a jug that I must pee in starting tomorrow morning for 24 hours and I must store it IN THE REFRIGERATOR. That went over really well with The Family. “Hey everyone! This right here is NOT a giant tub of orange juice, it is MY URINE, so please do not drink it, ok? Thanks!”
What the hell has happened to me?
Some of results from my blood work have already started to show up online and I did a little “Google” search of some of the results. BIG MISTAKE. However, after reading the results I’m hopeful it’s not cancer. But, the little voices in my head keep whispering “But what if…”
And for the first time since my health problems started (or were FINALLY DIAGNOSED) I am genuinely terrified. Not the kind of terrified where I flippantly say “OMG! I think I have cancer!” because I’m a paranoid freak, but the kind of terrified where I say “Oh my God, I could possibly have cancer.” Even if it’s NOT cancer, there are other things that could be wrong that are not good at all.
I’m angry and bitter that I wasn’t taken seriously for so long by my doctor. I can’t help but think that the delay in treatment is the reason I’m having so many problems now. I am asking God to help me let the bitterness go, but it’s really fucking hard when your body is messed up in ways that you never imagined and you don’t even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore.
I’ve cried today more than I’ve cried in a long time– the fear is overwhelming at times, but deep down I know that I’ll be fine.
Even if.
Category Archives: This Thing Called Life
More Talk About Faith and My Complete Lack of It.
Someone very close to me recently told me that God spoke to her and told her that he wants to heal me.
She was afraid to tell me for fear that I’d laugh at her. Perhaps it’s because she knows that I do not do not have faith and if one does not have faith, how in the hell is one to believe that God told someone he wants to heal me?
I have thought about it ever since. What if God really did speak to her and what if he really does want to heal me? What if this is the part where I say “Okay, God. I believe you want to heal me and I have faith that you will?”
But that’s crazy, right? That’s crazy to say “I believe God spoke to someone about ME because he wants to heal ME?”
So, my question to you is this.
If someone told you that God spoke to them about you, would you believe it? Or would you laugh at them? Do you believe God truly speaks to people?
I would love to hear your answers.
Dueling Shameful Fitness Purchases!!
Last week I was talking on the phone with Jenny about the Nintendo Wii Fit. Naturally, the conversation turned to “embarrassing fitness purchases.”
One would think that having purchased TWO products by Richards Simmons– “Sweating to the Oldies” (with the Order in the Next 5 Minutes Bonus: RESISTANCE BANDS!) AND “Deal a Meal”– was as bad as it gets, but one would be wrong in thinking that.
I was all “Dude… I once bought a BodyBlade.” And then I sent her the link to an old post I had written about it.
Originally posted 4.24.04
I am always looking for the easy way out of things. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the damn truth. This character flaw of mine makes me a total sucker for infomercial products.
Imagine my excitement when I heard these words late one night while feeling sad about having gained weight WHILE eating chips and dip.
“Get The Body You’ve Always Wanted In Just 6 Minutes Of daily Workout!”
I put down the chips and dip, got out a pen and paper and grabbed the cordless phone.
I saw the device.
“This can’t be for real.” I thought. “That looks wayyyyy too easy. It can’t be true!” I continued to watch. They showed this hot chick with this piece of rubber in her hand, bouncing it up and down. It was working every muscle in her body. They even went into sssssllllooowww mmmmootttttiioooonnn so you could see how every muscle was being worked!
“I CAN DO THAT! I MUST HAVE THAT!”
I ordered it for the great price of JUST $100! (Or! Just 5 payments of $19.99! Plus tax and shipping!)
That’s right, a hundred bucks, but hey! Look at that chick! a body like that is worth $100.00 and in only SIX MINUTES A DAY.
I got it a few days later and opened the box up, all excited because in just SIX MINUTES A DAY for the next few weeks, I was going to look like THIS!
When the package arrived, I opened the box full of hope. All I had to do was flap that thing up and down–side to side and I would have the body of my dreams! But then, I actually held that piece of rubber in my hands and attempted to do it just like the hot chicks and the buff dudes in the commercial.
Um…that shit was hard. And not hard in the way that a good workout should be. It wasn’t as simple and moving that piece of rubber back and forth, there were actual things involved that required a bit of skill. Things like “rhythm” and “not feeling like an asshole while working up to said rhythm because ha ha, am I really holding a giant piece of rubber in my hands in the hopes of looking look like this?”
I would alternate between fits of laughter (HAHAHAHA LOOK AT ME TRYING TO SHAKE A GIANT RUBBER STICK!), shame (I’M WORKING OUT WITH A GIANT RUBBER STICK.) and anger (DID I REALLY JUST SPENT ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS ON THIS GIANT RUBBER STICK?)
Needless to say, it didn’t work and that box is collecting dust in the garage along with my hopes and dreams of perfectly chiseled abs in just six minutes a day!!!
We laughed and laughed, but then she was all “Duuuuuuude. I’ve got you beat. I once bought The iGallop!”
I had no idea what the iGallop was, so she sent me a link to a video on YouTube.
Did you watch? Are you weeping with laughter? For a minute, I thought she was right and she really was The Winner in the contest of bad fitness purchases, but then I looked up “body blade” and I don’t know, man, I think it’s a tie.
Can you do the “Reverse Warrior” with the iGallop? I DON’T THINK THAT YOU CAN.
(Ok. I’ll concede. She totally wins. The only person who could ever beat her is the person who actually paid money for the Oxycise videos.)
I took quite a bit of abuse at the hands of friends and family for purchasing the Body Blade. It was the butt of many jokes at holiday dinners and birthday parties.
“Hey, Y– how are those workouts coming along? I thought you’d be cut by now?”
“Hey, Y– you should give me $100 to beat you with that thing for wasting money on it!”
I got even one Christmas when we had one of those “White Elephant” gift exchange at my in-laws house. I wrapped it up all nice and pretty and dropped just enough hints to make the men think it was a fishing pole. Everyone one of the men got a number, they would take away the box that they THOUGHT contained a fishing pole in it away from whoever had it. My brother in law ended up with it at the end and was all “HA HA! I WON!” to the other men. Then, he opened it up and saw that it was THE BODY BLADE. He was so pissed. “I THOUGHT IT WAS A FISHING POLE! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I DON’T WANT THIS! YOU CAN KEEP IT!”
“Oh hell no!” I said “It’s yours now!”
“But I don’t want it.”
“But you have to take it!”
“Fine.” He said, all angrily. He left shortly after the gift exchange and I can’t tell you how relieved I felt as I watched him walk out of the house with that box in his hand. Iwas so relieved to be rid of that thing I had tried to sell it at yard sales, I even put a “FOR FREE” sign on it once (NO LIE!) and no one would take it. BUT, it wasn’t really gone! Because my Brother in Law didn’t actually take it home with him. Instead, he left the box on the roof of our van.
ASSHOLE! (And I say Asshole with LOVE)
So, unless PigHunter threw it away when we moved, that Rubber Fucker is still collecting dust somewhere in my garage.
The reason that I am telling you about this is because, duuuuuuudes. Jenny is GIVING AWAY A WII CONSOLE AND a copy of Wii Fit!!! All you have to do to be entered to win is to tell her YOUR embarrassing fitness purchase story (either in her comments, which, by the way, ARE HILARIOUS. You must read them! or on your own blog with a link back to her post.) What are you waiting for.. go! Tell her! NOW!
I think I should send it on a World Tour in which various bloggers photograph themselves wearing it doing various things, like washing their cars! Or Poppin’ And Lockin’! Or having sex!
I was looking for an old journal of mine this morning. I didn’t find it, but I did find my wedding album.
Holy mother of HUGE.
I’ve already written about my wedding before, but I think that I could write about it 100 times and never accurately put into words just how fucking HUGE that wedding was.
It was and will probably always be the Biggest Wedding I’ve ever seen, and I aint talking about the number of guests that were there.
I’m talking about The Size of Everything. Cake? HUGE. My sleeves? HUGE. My bangs: HUGE! My Veil? THE HUGEST VEIL IN THE HISTORY OF WEDDINGS.
I still can’t believe that the people who supposedly “LOVE” me actually let me wear that thing without sitting me down to express concern.
“We know that it’s the biggest, most expensive veil in the store and that it is covered with sweet pearls! And yes, pearls are beautiful! But so is your head, Y! Don’t you want people to see your beautiful head? Also, think of your neck. Do you want to get The Stiff Neck while you’re up there listening to your father’s 3 hour sermon (because you KNOW you’re Dad is going to preach a 3 hour sermon at your wedding, right?) Please, put the pearly veil down for ONE MINUTE and think of your neck. And your head.”
I probably would have worn it anyway, because the crazy woman at the bridal shop had convinced me that it was “the newest, most beautiful veil out there!” and that “all of the brides were buying it!!” But, even still. No one even TRIED to stop me and that hurts a little bit RIGHT HERE.
‘Cause I gotta have faith faith faith I gotta have faaaaaith.
For the past two weeks I have been barely been able to function. I slept the entire weekend away (4 hour nap on Friday and Saturday, 5 hour nap on Sunday.) and I still woke up on Monday morning feeling like I hadn’t slept in days. The strange thing is that I started taking my new (higher) dose of medication a week ago and instead of feeling better, I was feeling worse.
UNTIL TODAY.
Today is the first day in two weeks that I don’t feel extremely tired. It’s the first day where I have laughed at things I’ve read (as opposed to sitting here like a zombie reading words but truly unable to process what I was reading.) It’s the first day that I actually saw the dirty floor and did something about it! Because I had the motivation and the energy to actually plug in the vacuum! I am so excited about this that there very well maybe tears streaming down my face as I have one fist held high in the hair while listening to “It’s a Beautiful Day” by U2.
These past few days have been awful. I’ve cried more times than I care to admit. My frustration level with this entire ASSHOLE THYROID (Not to be confused with an actual asshole IN my thyroid, Jenn-ay) has reached an all time high. I am willing to accept that it takes time to get my “levels” just right and all of that but HOLY PREMATURE HEARTBEAT, I’ve been dealing with this for over a year now. I would just like to feel semi-normal again. Look! I’m not even asking to be completely normal again! I’ll settle for SEMI normal!
Honestly, I just want to be able to clean my house without it feeling so overwhelming. I just want to be able to go to the gym and not fall of the elliptical because whoops! My knees buckled again! I just want My Horny back.
Last night, my Dad came over for a little unexpected visit (HATE THOSE!) I had just woke up from one of my naps and he could tell I wasn’t feeling well.
I began to tell him how frustrated I was because they increased my medication but I wasn’t getting any better blahblahblah thyroid blahblahblah tired.
“Do you know what it says in Isaiah 53, Mija?”
“No. I don’t know.” I said (which, TOTALLY should know. I spent the entire first 25 years of my life in church.I blame my thyroid! It makes me forget things!)
“It says ‘Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed’ not MAYBE healed, it says we ARE healed. You just need to have faith, Mija. Faith that God has healed you. Believe that he has healed you!”
“But Dad! You don’t understand. My body is killing my thyroid! It’s not going to magically get better! I need medication! For the rest of my life!”
He just smiled and shook his head softly. “Let me pray for you. Will you let me pray for you?”
I agreed to let him pray for me, but the entire time he was praying, I was kind of rolling my eyes because HE DOESN’T GET IT! God isn’t a magician!
But as he was praying, asking God to heal me, asking God to reveal himself to me, to give me faith to believe, I stopped rolling my eyes and began to really listen to what he was saying. And in that moment, I actually envied my Dad. I envied his ability to trust in God and his promises. It’s easy to roll my eyes and dismiss people who have faith, but how wonderful would it be to live life trusting that God will heal you, will take care of your needs? I think there are people who go overboard with the whole “having faith in God thing.” You know, the people who refuse to seek medical care for their sick children because “God will heal them.” I think that’s utter bullshit. However, I also think there is a healthy balance of having faith in God (or a higher power) while doing your part to take care of yourself (seeking medical care/taking medication.)
I don’t know that I’ve ever truly had faith in God. I’ve believe in God, but is believing in God and having faith in God the same thing? Can you believe that God exists and yet not fully trust that he’ll heal you/provide for you?
I want to have that kind of faith and I suppose there’s no magical way of obtaining faith, you just have to like, believe right? HOW DOES THAT WORK? How do you say to yourself “I have faith that I am healed!” and believe it? And if you have faith that God can heal/already has healed you, does that mean you don’t go back in 4 weeks to get your blood tested because “I have faith that I’m healed!” Or, if you do go back to get your blood tested and you find out that you’re NOT healed, does that mean you didn’t actually have faith? Or does that mean that you’re the one person Jesus DOESN’T love? I’m pretty sure that faith is supposed to be this beautiful,simple thing, but to me, it’s the second most complicated thing for me to understand (eternity being the first. Really? FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER HAPPY WITH JESUS? That scares me a lot.)
Perhaps it is time that I start going back to church to explore these things because I’m not sure this is something The Internet can solve for me. (See, there I go not having faith again.)
OVER!!EX!!AGERR!!ATOR!!!! (Now, With Update!)
I swore that I wouldn’t drink another drop of liquor for the rest of my life after being saturated with it the entire time that I was on the east coast last weekend. (Wine tasting! Coffee with Baileys! Beer Pong! No, seriously, BEER PONG!!) But! When I swore off liquor, I hadn’t considered the possibility of the words “MOM! There’s a snake in our backyard!!” being uttered from my children’s mouth just two days after my return home.
That’ll make a girl pop open the $2.99 bottle of Wild Vines she’s been saving for that special night when her husband wants sex and she’s like “I AM TOO TIIIIIIRED.” And he’s all “have a glass of wine and just lay there.” And she’s all “Dude, that sounds so awesome. Give me a few minutes to chug some of this shit down and get naked!”
My old neighborhood was not the kind of place I was proud to live. People stabbing each other, people having sex in my front yard, drug deals, restraining orders, rat infested neighbors, tweekers and so on and so forth, but at least I never had to worry about snakes slithering about in my backyard, or fearing for my life when I went to take the garbage out because OH MY GOD RACCOONS! AND COYOTES! AND MOUNTAIN LIONS!
I don’t know if this bottle of wine is enough to calm my nerves right now because Dudes. A snake. In my backyard.
UPDATE!!
After consulting Google, PigHunter is 100% convinced that the snake we found in our backyard is a harmless Garter snake.
And so a cage was built (without my permission) and a new pet was welcomed by everyone (except me) into our family.
Meet Sneaky The Snake.
For “The Record,” I’m SO not ok with this and if I have this crazy feeling that Sneaky just might “accidentally” escape from his cage while the boys are at school.
P.S. DEAR INTERNET,
WE’RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO KEEP THE SNAKE. WE WILL SET HIM FREE TONIGHT! So! You can stop worrying about the snake now! Apparently, PigHunter just wanted the boys to experience the snake up close and personal for a bit, but tonight, we shall set him free!
Full Length Version IS NOT AVAILABLE SO DO NOT EVEN ASK.
Next time you’re in New York City and you’ve been drinking and you meet up with a bunch of friends to do a little karaoke and Jesse’s Girl comes on and lose your shit because OHMYGOD JESSE’S GIRL IS ON, grab the microphone and proceed to sing 3 steps off key/20 seconds off time and think it would be really cool to do a Microphone Air Drum Move, you miiiiiiiiight wanna make sure that there aren’t any video cameras in the room ahead of time, unless you’re 100% ok with the sober internet seeing it in the future.
Why Can’t I Find a Woman Like That? from mizzjenny on Vimeo.
She knows me.
Tonight while I was blow drying my daughter’s hair before saying goodbye to her, she reached out, wrapped her hands tightly around my neck and said “I’m just so happy for you, Mommy. I don’t know what prompted her to say it, because she’s been crying all day when we talk about me leaving on a plane, but I do know that was exactly what I needed to hear.
I’ll think of that moment every time I feel like crying tomorrow. Well, THAT and also…
This.
I mean, how can I cry when I think of my little Tammy Faye giving me TWO THUMBS UP?
(comments will be held for approval while I’m gone. I don’t want my blog getting killed by spam.)
Rushed (and also: Jers-ay!!)
I’m insanely busy because I’ll be leaving tomorrow at 4 in the morning (!!) and I have packing to do and meals to plan and meatballs to make and lists to type and laundry to do and WHY DO I WAIT TIL THE LAST MINUTE TO DO EVERYTHING?
My kids are going to stay the night with my mom tonight and I keep cry every time that I think about not being able to kiss them goodbye when I leave for the airport. I’m such a wimp when it comes to leaving my family. I’m sure I’ll cry on a few shoulders while I’m away, lucky every single person who talks to me while I’m gone!!
I was pretty stressed about my weight and seeing people that I’ve not seen in a long time (or in EVER) but then a friend sent me an email that helped me snap out of it.
And you being big bothers you more than it bothers everyone else, you know, which is understandable…, but its also not like every time you write to me I’m thinking “oh it’s Yvonne in her mrs&plus size shirt”. Dude, like it’s Yvonne . Yah, so what, she wears mrs&plus size.
I really need to get over myself, yes?
I hate being fat, I do, but I love my friends and for maybe the first time in my life I’m choosing to love my friends MORE than I hate being fat.
Now, if only I could learn to love to fly because, MY GOD, I hate flying and have been known to scream things like “help me Jesus” during turbulence. I’m not proud of that, but I also am not ashamed to ask Jesus to save me from death by plane crash.
I should go pack, but before I go, I have to ask you, do you read The Blogess? If not, you really should, especially this post. It doesn’t get much funnier than that, folks.
(Except, on her blog, it totally does.)
I Wanna Soak Up the Sun.
Yesterday, a a friend asked me how I was doing.
My response?
I’m doing good today. I’ve just been keeping myself busy, going outside to enjoy the sunshine and soaking up the love of my family.
It’s amazing to me how dramatically my spirits lift when I step outside and feel the warmth of the sunshine on my skin.
For too long, I’ve been dwelling on the fact that my body is at war with itself. I’ve been dwelling on the fact that I no longer recognize my body in the mirror. I’ve been dwelling on the fact that I’m going to have to take medication for the rest of my life. I’ve been dwelling on the fact that I wasn’t taken seriously the first time that I knew something was wrong.
Oh! Poor, poor puffy me.
I have made a decision to stop dwelling on the negative, as real as it is, and to start focusing on that which is good and that which is wonderful. I am blessed to have health insurance that allows me to seek treatment for that which is wrong with me. I am blessed to have an imperfect, but wonderful family who continue to love me and support me even though I’ve not been the most pleasant of people to be around.
I am choosing to seek out that which is beautiful in the world around me. I pay close attention to the little things. The pretty flowers that are blooming around me. The sound of my boys jamming to “Under the Bridge” in the garage. The soft touch of my daughter’s hand on my arm as I read her a bedtime story. The unexpected hug from my husband as we pass each other in the hallway.
It is these ordinary, every day moments of my life that give me the strength that I need to keep me from crawling back into bed and dwelling. I grab onto each little moment with both hands and hold it close to my heart.
While this shift in thinking hasn’t magically turned my life into one big Chocolate Covered Strawberry, it most definitely has helped me pick myself up off of the tear soaked floor and try to enjoy life again. And for that, I’m grateful because, ALL things considered, I have a pretty sweet life.
In closing, I would like to leave you with some pictures of the absolute funniest thing in my life at the moment.
My daughter attempting to “cross her eyes” and yes, I ask her to do it at least 10 times a day.
I realize you won’t find it as funny as I do, but even still.. enjoy.
