Every Thursday my husband gets his paycheck in the mail. Normally included with the paycheck are maps/information of upcoming jobs.
For the past 3 or 4 month there haven’t been any maps.
So, every Thursday, PigHunter will walk through the door and ask “Did I get my check.”
“Yes.” I answer.
“Were there any maps?”
“No.” I’d say.
And we’d both give each other a look and I’d feel fear in the depths of my soul because no maps= no new jobs= you’re probably going to get laid off.
But, we had hope that things would turn around.
Then, there was talk of the company bidding jobs in Oklahoma and we began having discussions about moving vs staying. Because I completely understood the severity of the situation, I was prepared to move out of California, away from my entire family and all of my friends without a fight.
One day he called from work to tell me that the company got the jobs in Oklahoma. I wanted to cry, both out of sadness for knowing I’d have to move away from the only place I’ve ever known and out of relief because my husband still has a job.
Then, last week, we found out that the news of landing the contracts in Oklahoma were false. They bid too high and lost out to another company.
Friday morning PigHunter called on his break. “Babe? Can you go online and start looking for jobs through the city?”
“WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DO THIS?”
“Because… there’s no work. We have absolutely NO work.”
In that moment, I knew something bad was going to happen. I just didn’t know it was going to happen 2 hours later.
When my husband walked in the door later that afternoon, I could tell by the look on his face that something was wrong. I was too chicken shit to ask. I didn’t want to hear bad news. I didn’t think I could take it. So, I walked up and hugged him. “How are you?” I asked.
He didn’t answer. Instead, he took me by the arm and said “I need to talk to you.”
“Don’t panic,” He said as he shut our bedroom door. “But I no longer work for *insert company name here* Construction.”
“WHAT?” I screamed.
“Baby.”
I started to cry. And then, I started to panic.
“Honey!” He said. “Look at me!”
I couldn’t look at him. I just couldn’t.
How will we pay our bills? How will we feed our children? And Oh my GOD, health care! I am sick, I am so sick and still have tests that need to be done and medication that needs to be prescribed! And my children. What will I do if they get sick? And THEIR TEETH! THEIR TEETH NEED WORK AND OH MY GOD… WHY?
“Daddy?” Gabby called out from her bedroom.
“One minute, sweetie” my husband called out. “I’m talking to mommy.”
“But Daddy! I need you!”
“Go see what your daughter needs. I need a minute to compose myself anyway. Just go!”
As soon as he left the room, I called Jenny. I needed to talk to someone who could help calm me down. I feel so bad for calling and dumping on her the way that I did. I was hysterical. But, she’s so wonderful. Just hearing her understanding, reasonable voice helped calm me down. Within a few minutes, I was able to sit down and have a someone rational conversation with my husband.
The way things stand right now, he’s been hired on with a different division of the company so that he can keep health insurance, but since there is literally NO WORK, we don’t know how long it will last. We’re going to see a huge decrease in income and I don’t make enough to cover the loss. I don’t know what we’ll do, or how we’ll be able to make ends meet, but I do know that there are things I can do to start saving money.
I will cancel gym memberships. I will have home phone shut off. I will cancel all non-important subscriptions (napster, etc) I will not run the air conditioner unless absolutely necessary (already went to home depot to buy fans) I will hang dry clothes. I will not make a single trip to Starbucks. I will break the news to my sweet little girl who turns 4 next week that Mama will not be taking her to Disneyland like we had planned, but instead will have the family over for cake and ice cream and keep that money in savings. I’m sure there are more expenses I can cut, but for now, these are the things that come to mind
I will also began looking for evening employment. I have a day job working with a company that love, but it’s not enough anymore. I need to do more to get my family through this crisis.
I’m walking around with this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing that my husband is barely hanging onto this “replacement job” and that any day now, that could be taken from him leaving us without a paycheck and even worse, without health insurance.
It’s funny, for the last few weeks, I’ve been continuing to have conversations with God. I’ve expressed to him my desire to believe in him. Just last week, I had a conversation with my dad about faith. “I just have a hard time believing it’s as simple as believing.”
“That’s why so many people struggle, Mija. They can’t accept that it really is that simple.”
And that night, I prayed and told God that I was going to have faith. That I was simply going to believe that he exists and that he cares for me.
And now, I’ve been given the ultimate test.
I’ll say it here right now.
I’m scared. I’m so scared that it’s hard to eat. I’m so scared that it’s hard to speak. I’m so scared that it’s hard to sleep.
But I have faith that God will help us get through this. I have faith that he will give me the strength and wisdom to find a way to make it all work.
And please don’t mistake that to mean that I think God is going to solve all of our problems for us. I refuse to believe that God is a personal genie. But I am going to have faith that he is watching out for us and will look to him for strength.
It sure beats the alternative.
