When my husband was laid off, my initial reaction was panic and fear. Mostly because I feared we’d lose health insurance. With 3 kids and an autoimmune disease, that’s a frightening thought.
After the fear and panic subsided, I made a decision to stop with the tears and figure out a way to make sure that didn’t happen.
I sat down and wrote a letter asking for a full time position with a company that I company that I had already been working with for the past year. I put my insecurities and fears of rejection aside and pointed out all of the reasons why I’d be an excellent addition to the company. That kind of confidence doesn’t come naturally to me, it’s much easier (and cowardly) for me to point out my faults and weakness. But I have to say, highlighting my strengths and abilities was empowering. I felt SO DAMN GOOD about myself when I finished that letter and hit “send.”
I also felt scared.
Scared of being rejected. Scared of hearing “Thanks, but no thanks.”
I waited a few days without hearing back. But then, I got a phone call that changed my life. Our lives.
I got the job. A full time job, work at home job with a real salary that will allow me to help provide for my family and that eliminates the fear of losing my health insurance.
Today is my first official day and I am so happy I could scream.

To answer the question: “How are you guys doing?”
The company that hired my husband on after he was laid off doesn’t have any work. They’ve been trying to keep him busy doing odd jobs around the equipment yard, but on Friday, they told him to stay home today because there was nothing for him to do. I have a feeling he’ll be off all week. This is when the “you’re no longer on salary” shit starts to hurt.
Tony is trying to start a business which has very low start up costs and I have faith that he will make it work. I’m proud of him for being proactive and not sulking about what has happened to him. I fully support him in his new business venture and will do everything in my power to help him make it happen and be successful. I also have faith that good things will happen for me– things that I have been working hard for. I have to believe that they will pay off and my hard work will, at some point, be recognized and rewarded accordingly.
I’ve been continuing to pray every day and I started to read the bible. This is not the first time that I’ve read the bible on my own without anyone telling me what it all means, but the first time that I’ve stuck with it for longer than a couple of days. I find it hard at times to keep interest, because, you know– it’s totally different than a blog. Like, I can’t comment and be like “God, what does that mean? Email me! or ping me on G-chat when you have some time, k? Thanks!” (Also, I have an incredibly short attention span.) But then, I’ll read something that speaks to my soul, as if it were written just for me and I get sucked in, wanting to learn more. Wanting to understand what it all means and how it pertains to my life.
I’ve always found the bible to be a liiiiiiittle scary. Most of my memories of biblical teachings were of the “You’re going to burn in the pit of hell if you do not repent of your sins!” There wasn’t a whole lot of teachings of the Grace and love of God.
And don’t even get me started on the whole “Jesus is coming soon” sermons. SCARY.
Now, that’s not to say that I don’t believe in “The Rapture.” (Although, I’ll fully admit I started to roll my eyes when my dad would say that to me because YOU’VE BEEN SAYING THAT SINCE THE DAY THAT I WAS BORN AND WE’RE STILL HERE SO I’M NOT SCARED ANYMORE! But, that was probably just my rebellion and NOT my disbelief) However, there was a time I believed it and I feared it with every fiber of my being.
Example:
Anytime my parents were late coming home, I would start to panic. “The rapture most have happened! And I was left behind! I’m going to have to have my head chopped off to get into heaven!” But before I’d have a full on meltdown, I’d pick up the phone and call people who I was sure would not be “left behind”, like, our pastor! And if he would answer the phone, I’d rejoice because “The Rapture didn’t happen after all! I wasn’t left behind! I’m not going to have to have to suffer persecution to make it to heaven after all!”
(True story!)
Needless to say, I didn’t really experience a lot of the “Joy” that I hear people talking about when they speak of their faith.
I want to experience that joy. I’m ready to know what that feels like.
If you were raised in the Christian faith, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the Rapture. What were you taught about it? Do you believe in it as an adult? Do you think that we’re “living in the last days?” Your point of view will be valuable to me.

Every Thursday my husband gets his paycheck in the mail. Normally included with the paycheck are maps/information of upcoming jobs.
For the past 3 or 4 month there haven’t been any maps.
So, every Thursday, PigHunter will walk through the door and ask “Did I get my check.”
“Yes.” I answer.
“Were there any maps?”
“No.” I’d say.
And we’d both give each other a look and I’d feel fear in the depths of my soul because no maps= no new jobs= you’re probably going to get laid off.
But, we had hope that things would turn around.
Then, there was talk of the company bidding jobs in Oklahoma and we began having discussions about moving vs staying. Because I completely understood the severity of the situation, I was prepared to move out of California, away from my entire family and all of my friends without a fight.
One day he called from work to tell me that the company got the jobs in Oklahoma. I wanted to cry, both out of sadness for knowing I’d have to move away from the only place I’ve ever known and out of relief because my husband still has a job.
Then, last week, we found out that the news of landing the contracts in Oklahoma were false. They bid too high and lost out to another company.
Friday morning PigHunter called on his break. “Babe? Can you go online and start looking for jobs through the city?”
“WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DO THIS?”
“Because… there’s no work. We have absolutely NO work.”
In that moment, I knew something bad was going to happen. I just didn’t know it was going to happen 2 hours later.
When my husband walked in the door later that afternoon, I could tell by the look on his face that something was wrong. I was too chicken shit to ask. I didn’t want to hear bad news. I didn’t think I could take it. So, I walked up and hugged him. “How are you?” I asked.
He didn’t answer. Instead, he took me by the arm and said “I need to talk to you.”
“Don’t panic,” He said as he shut our bedroom door. “But I no longer work for *insert company name here* Construction.”
“WHAT?” I screamed.
“Baby.”
I started to cry. And then, I started to panic.
“Honey!” He said. “Look at me!”
I couldn’t look at him. I just couldn’t.
How will we pay our bills? How will we feed our children? And Oh my GOD, health care! I am sick, I am so sick and still have tests that need to be done and medication that needs to be prescribed! And my children. What will I do if they get sick? And THEIR TEETH! THEIR TEETH NEED WORK AND OH MY GOD… WHY?
“Daddy?” Gabby called out from her bedroom.
“One minute, sweetie” my husband called out. “I’m talking to mommy.”
“But Daddy! I need you!”
“Go see what your daughter needs. I need a minute to compose myself anyway. Just go!”
As soon as he left the room, I called Jenny. I needed to talk to someone who could help calm me down. I feel so bad for calling and dumping on her the way that I did. I was hysterical. But, she’s so wonderful. Just hearing her understanding, reasonable voice helped calm me down. Within a few minutes, I was able to sit down and have a someone rational conversation with my husband.
The way things stand right now, he’s been hired on with a different division of the company so that he can keep health insurance, but since there is literally NO WORK, we don’t know how long it will last. We’re going to see a huge decrease in income and I don’t make enough to cover the loss. I don’t know what we’ll do, or how we’ll be able to make ends meet, but I do know that there are things I can do to start saving money.
I will cancel gym memberships. I will have home phone shut off. I will cancel all non-important subscriptions (napster, etc) I will not run the air conditioner unless absolutely necessary (already went to home depot to buy fans) I will hang dry clothes. I will not make a single trip to Starbucks. I will break the news to my sweet little girl who turns 4 next week that Mama will not be taking her to Disneyland like we had planned, but instead will have the family over for cake and ice cream and keep that money in savings. I’m sure there are more expenses I can cut, but for now, these are the things that come to mind
I will also began looking for evening employment. I have a day job working with a company that love, but it’s not enough anymore. I need to do more to get my family through this crisis.
I’m walking around with this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing that my husband is barely hanging onto this “replacement job” and that any day now, that could be taken from him leaving us without a paycheck and even worse, without health insurance.
It’s funny, for the last few weeks, I’ve been continuing to have conversations with God. I’ve expressed to him my desire to believe in him. Just last week, I had a conversation with my dad about faith. “I just have a hard time believing it’s as simple as believing.”
“That’s why so many people struggle, Mija. They can’t accept that it really is that simple.”
And that night, I prayed and told God that I was going to have faith. That I was simply going to believe that he exists and that he cares for me.
And now, I’ve been given the ultimate test.
I’ll say it here right now.
I’m scared. I’m so scared that it’s hard to eat. I’m so scared that it’s hard to speak. I’m so scared that it’s hard to sleep.
But I have faith that God will help us get through this. I have faith that he will give me the strength and wisdom to find a way to make it all work.
And please don’t mistake that to mean that I think God is going to solve all of our problems for us. I refuse to believe that God is a personal genie. But I am going to have faith that he is watching out for us and will look to him for strength.
It sure beats the alternative.

My husband just got laid off.
Honestly. I could die.
We were just looking for a new car for him since his broke down for good. We were also trying to work it in our budget to have the kids teeth fixed. And other things. They aren’t going to happen now and I just don’t know what to do. I feel numb. And scared.
Mostly scared.
updated.
A little bit of good news and right now, I’ll take every bit of good news, no matter how small.
Sub division of company will hire him on so that we get to keep our health insurance. (which is actually more than a little bit of good news.) However, he will no longer be on salary and will lose a $750 monthly vehicle allowance. Also, since he’ll not be on salary, he will only get paid for hours worked and well, right now, there isn’t any work. But, at least it’s something to help get us through, hopefully. And at the very least, we have health insurance, so I can breathe again because that would have sucked more than I can even express in words.
Thank you for your kind words, it helps. Every single bit of kindness helps.
Much love.
-Y

I am currently sitting in LAX waiting standby for a 5:30 flight into San Francisco.
Scratch that. I’m now waiting for a 7:30 flight because this flight is full
Of fucking course it is!
I’ve been here since 12:00 this afternoon.
Flight was canceled. Couldn’t get on a flight til the morning. Then got confirmed for a 9pm flight. Then was told I could go on United, which was like 4 terminals away.
I had to walk.
Feet are swollen and tore the eff up.
Had to go through security again.
Got selected for the “random search” OF COURSE I DID!!
I’m sweaty. Tired. Angry. And ready to punch the next asshole who steps on my mother effing toe.
Seriously? Why must everything go wrong for me? And if you tell me it’s because I need to put “Positive Energy” out to the universe, I’ll punch you in your big, fat Oprah head.
I don’t even know what a big fat Oprah head is, but I swear to GOD, I will punch you in it.