Last night, Tony and I were talking about how drastically our lives are about to change.
We both are full of a thousand different emotions about it.
Excitement. We can’t wait to meet this little baby. To see what she looks like, to get to know her. We talk for hours about what we think she’ll look like, or whos personality she’ll have. If she’ll be a crier or a calm baby. We wonder if she’ll be born bald or have lots of hair. It’s exciting, especially because this baby is the little girl we never thought we’d have.
Nervousness. We wonder how are lives will change. No more sitting alone together on the couch after the boys have gone to bed. No more sleeping in on the weekend. We won’t be able to just get up and go somewhere the way we do now. How will our children react? We’re almost sure they will be positive and helpful, but you never know. Will she be healthy? Will her delivery go smoothly?
There’s also a little bit of sadness on my part. Sadness that things won’t be the way they are anymore. Sadness that Ethan won’t be the “baby” anymore. I hate admitting to that, but it’s true. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I love this baby and am excited about her arrival, it’s just the way I feel.
I have a lot of guilt when it comes to my boys right now. I feel like they’re being cheated out of a fun summer because of this pregnancy. Normally, we’d be out on the town doing things everyday. Raging Waters, bowling, the arcade, the park, etc, but because of the condition I’m in now and being ordered to rest, I just can’t do it. They are being so understanding and sympathatic to my condition, but I still can’t help but feel bad. I cry about it, I talk to them about it and they always say the same thing.
“Mom, it’s not your fault and we aren’t mad. You’re pregnant and you have to take care of yourself.”
Sigh.
I think the sadness comes from a place of things not being the way they are anymore. It’s been just me and those boys and I love them desperately. I don’t want to do anything to disrupt their lives. Yet, I know in my heart this baby will only enhance it. Right?
I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Ethan. It had been just me and Andrew for 4 years. I felt so much guilt for bringing another child in the picture, knowing I couldn’t give him all of the attention anymore, knowing I’d have devide my time between the two of them and share my love and attention. I didn’t think I had in it me to love 2 kids.
Funny how all of those fears and all of that sadness was put to rest the minute Ethan was born.
Now, they are best friends. They love each other more than anything and I can’t imagine one without the other. They do everything together and enjoy each other’s company.

What if I had let that fear keep me from having another child? Andrew would have missed out on a best friend and I would have missed out on the funniest little kid I know.

Just writing this, looking at the pictures of those boys is slowly putting that sadness to rest, it’s making me realise that one day I’ll be watching the three of them play and I’ll ask myself “How did we ever live without that little girl?”