You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Til it Almost Gets Chopped Off by Flying Wood.

PigHunter has this “cabinet” that he’s been working on for his “tools” in the garage. He’s been building this “cabinet” for about a year. I have come to believe this is something he does to get out of having to do any kind of housework (“I can’t help with the laundry because I’m building my cabinet! For my tools! So I have room to do things in the garage, like, build imaginary cabinets!”)
I used to get pissed off about his stupid cabinet. Especially when he’d be like “I’m going to plant grass this weekend!” And hours would go by and grass wasn’t planted because he’d wasted hours in the garage “cutting wood” for his “cabinet.” But, I’ve come to accept the “cabinet” for what it really is.
His escape.
I have the computer. He has “the cabinet.” We’re even.
Last Friday night, he was in the garage working on “the cabinet” for most of the night. Just before 8, I heard him walk into the house. He walked into the kitchen and stood there. He looked a little pale, so I was all “You okay?” And he was all “yeah, I’m fine.”
So I dropped it.
Later that night, we were sitting on the couch and he turns to me and says “Honey, please don’t freak out. But…”
Which, of course, makes me want to FREAKTHEFUCKOUTBECAUSEOHMYGODWHATTHEHELL..WHAT?
“I have to tell you what just happened to me in the garage.”
I was scared because any time he says “please don’t freak out” it’s totally something that warrants me freaking out (Example: “Honey, please don’t freak out… but I got laid off today!”)
He continued…
“While I was cutting a piece of wood, a 4 inch piece got caught in the blade, swung around (or something like that) and came flying at me at a very high rate of speed. And it hit me RIGHT HERE. (As he points VERY CLOSE to his ManHood.)
My reaction went a little something like this:
“What? Where? Is it okay? Are YOU okay? Did you damage it? CAN YOU STILL GET IT UP HERE LET ME SEE, LET ME TOUCH IT AND SEE IF YOU CAN STILL GET IT UP.”
“Baby!” He said, while protecting his junk because I was trying to grab it and make it all stiff. “It didn’t actually hit me there. It missed by an inch or two. It hit just above that right here by my (heheheeehe totally awkward but am going to say it) pubes.”
“Oh my God. Can I see it? Is there a bruise? Are you sure your dick still works? Because, like, isn’t there some wiring up in there that is vital to the erection process that could have been damaged and OH MY GOD SHOW ME YOU CAN STILL GET IT UP RIGHT NOW PLEASE.”
He proceeded to tell me that when it hit him, it knocked the wind out of him. He also wasn’t sure exactly where it had hit him because he was in so much pain. He said he walked to the corner of the garage, holding himself, worrying if he had just done something “really bad.” After he was able to compose himself, he undid his pants to assess the damage. To his relief, there was no damage to The Goods. Just a huge bruise a couple of inches ABOVE The Goods. He said he was fine, but promised to go see the doctor if the pain was worse in the morning.
I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to reach over that night in bed and “test it.” Just, you know, give it a little rub, or maybe a little, [small voice]blow[/small voice] I resisted, for fear of hurting him or damaging things that could have possibly been broken.
The next day, we walked around acting as if he had almost lost his LIFE. We were traumatized at the idea that he came THIS CLOSE to seriously damaging his ManHood and “would I have left him if he had lost it?” Nothing like a Near Dick Loss Experience to make you appreciate that Piece O’Man Meat like you did back when you were 19 and worshiping it on a daily, if not every other hourly basis.

“Your Dad Will Blog About How Comfortable He is.”

I am not giving up blogging just yet.
But, I think if I don’t get back into a pattern of posting more than once a month, that is what I’ll have to do. Because people who have a blog and never post, except to write about how they’re going to “start posting regularly again! Very soon! Once life isn’t so busy!” shouldn’t be allowed to have a blog because that shit is annoying.
So, starting today, I will post once a day, every day in the hopes that it writing becomes part of my day again. If not, well, maybe this blogging thing just isn’t for me anymore.
Because I love (mostly all of) you, I will end this post with a little something special.

25 Random things

I’ve been tagged for this by a few different people, so at this point, I’d be a total asshole to NOT do it. Problem is, I’m so boring, I don’t know if I can think of 5 things. So, here I go, trying to think of 25 “random things.”
1. The first thing that scares me during an earthquake is not that I could die, but that I will live and the toilets will not work and OH MY GOD WHERE WILL I PEE?
2. Kevin James is my boyfriend. He just doesn’t know it yet.
3. I have never NOR WILL I EVER taste a mushroom. What is wrong with you people who eat those disgusting things? Seriously. I do not understand you at all.
4. I once chased a purse snatcher (it was not MY purse he stole.) He threatened to kill me and I was all “GIVE ME THE PURSE, MAN.” It took 4 men to knock him down and hold him down until the police came. I should write about that story someday.
5. I always let people that I love know how I feel about them. It’s not always a good thing though, because when people don’t feel the same way in return, it hurts. A lot.
6. I am afraid, no, TERRIFIED of puking. I will make promises to God and cry and roll around on the floor or whatever it takes to stop the puke from happening.
7. When I was a teenager, I used to breed lovebirds. I was obsessed with bird. I was THE FUCKING BIRD WHISPERER. And I wonder why I never got asked to prom.
8. Speaking of Prom– I never attended a single high school dance. I was forbidden as my parents believed dancing was “of satan.”
9. I am two timing Kevin James with Judge Mathis.
10. I didn’t have sex until I was 18 years old. And engaged. But once I had sex, I had it multiple times a day. Every day. For like, years. (Tony wants you to know that 5 times in one day is “our record.”)
11. I once liked a boy who told me he would date me “if I got a perm.” I put rollers in my hair every night, but apparently, that wasn’t as good as a perm.
12. I was baptized when I was 18 years old in Tony’s ex- girlfriends parents pool while wearing a white robe. that covered me from head to toe. Seemed TOTALLY NORMAL at the time.
13. I love fish tacos. And no, that is not a euphemism. I love ACTUAL AND LITERAL fish tacos.
14. I met Jay Mohr at a show after he noticed and did a 5 minute set about my boobs. (Which, by the way, he loves.) We are now friends, in the way that one can be friends with a celebrity.
15. I’ve sang at more funerals than you’ve probably been to in your entire life. Just one of the many, MANY exciting benefits of being a “pastor’s kid.”
16. I’ve only been to NYC twice– once in 2002, and once in 2008. I fell in love HARD with the city and think of going back daily.
17. I like Dr.Phil.
18. I was once on the front page of The Wall Street Journal.
19. I miss my Grandpa every day and still can’t comprehend the fact that I will never see him smile at me or hear him tell me that I’m “his favorite” ever again. He was the most wonderful man I have ever known.
20. I am half Mexican and half German, but I can not speak nor understand Spanish or German.
And just to be different– the last 5 random things about me are from my husband, PigHunter:
21. You’re good with numbers
22. You have a beautiful voice
23. You’re very disorganized
24. You’re quick to show compassion to your friends. (You’re a good friend.)
25. You’re freak-ay with me.

Beautiful Baby Girl

beautiful mama
My brother had his first child last week.
A girl.
It’s hard to wrap my mind around the fact that my little brother is a dad. Not because I don’t think he’ll be a good Dad– I know he will be. It’s just… my little brother is a dad
I was in the waiting room of the hospital when she was born. My brother sent me a text that said “she looks like she’s going to have a sense of humor” with like, 30 exclamation points. I thought it was an odd thing to say and so I laughed about it.
Then, I saw her. And it I totally got it.
She had this sweet little face, but the look on it was like “You have NO IDEA what you’re in for with The Funny I’m going to bring to this family, guys.”
I instantly fell in love with her. (And quite possibly instantly ached for another one of my own. Why, babies, WHY do you do that to me?) I look forward to watching her grow and getting to know her. And you better believe I’m going to steal her as often as possible.
I can’t help but wonder about one thing… How long until SHE hates my camera?

I can retire from my wanna be profession happy now.

My family rarely has an opinion about my photography. Well, that’s not true, they often say things like “get that camera out of my face!” Or “Mom! why do you have to take pictures of EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE you go?”
However, comments on my actual photos are few and far between.
On Saturday, I took the kids on the Metrolink out to Olvera Street in Los Angeles. The Teenager had to to a report in which we had to go there, take pictures and learn about it’s history. I was thrilled to be able to help him, it was like a belated Christmas gift! A day alone with my kids AND photography? DOUBLE SCORE.
We had a fabulous day together. Except for the times where they were all “OH MY GOSH STOP TALKING PICTURES OF THINGS AND WALK PLEASE.” I’m not complaining though, one thing that I was reminded of is that I have well behaved children who are a pleasure to be around. Even the 4 year old– I was worried things would get dramatic because she’s have to walk for hours, but… nope. Didn’t happen. Oh, how I love those little people.
Yesterday I had to print out some of the photos that I had taken for The Teenager to use in his report. I printed out a couple that I liked for myself. When my son was going through the photos last night, The middle child saw one laying on the table and said “Mom, is that one you took today? I thought it was a magazine cover!” Then, my husband walked over to look at it and he said “Babe! This looks like a post card. I love it.” THEN! The Teenager was all “That’s cool. Can I have it for my room?”
“Of course you can have it, Son.” I replied.
I walked away with the biggest smile on my face, because for the first time that I can remember, the people who I love the most were excited about a photo that I had taken. And it felt so very sweet.
The One They Loved.

It’s That Time Again…

I have been blogging since September 2002. I have never been nominated for a bloggie– but, one time? I almost beat Dooce for “best parenting blog” in some totally insignificant blog award. So, IN YOUR FACE, BLOGGIES. Honestly, I’m not bitter. I know the writing here has never been worthy of any “awards.” That said, every year I take the time to nominate my favorite bloggers. Normally, I don’t make those nominations public, because feelings can get hurt and oh, how I hate hurting peoples feelings. But, this year, I’ve been inspired by Aimee to post my nomination. Mostly, I’m posting these because it’s always been important to me to “share the love”, as they say, when it comes to linkage. Truth be told, I kind of hate it when bloggers are stingy with links, or only link to their “internet friends.” Since I was already working on a “blogs that I have loved this year and you should too” list, I figured, why not post these? Please, click on their blogs and read. I promise you won’t be disappointed.
Best Photography weblog
Shutter Sisters
Mother May I
Me Ra Koh
Best Canadian Weblog
Her Bad Mother
Mother Bumper
Redneck Mommy
Most Humorous Weblog
Anne Nahm
Deb on the Rocks
See Wilson Go
Best Writing of a Weblog
Nothing But Bonfires
Not Calm (dot com)
Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino
Best Group Blog
Alpha Mom
Shutter Sisters
Best Community Blog
BlogHer
Best Kept Secret Weblog
Chicken and Cheese
Apathy Lounge
Lesbian Dad
Best New Weblog
Immoral Matriarch
Baby Bloomr
Lifetime Achievement
Tenth Muse
Miss Zoot
Amalah
Weblog of the Year
Four Four
The Bloggess
Suburban Turmoil
(Edited to add this site for Best Entertainment blog because I just spent the last two hours reading and I hurt from laughing.)
Videogum
(These blogs in no way reflect all of the blogs that I enjoy and (mostly) secretly admire. But these are the ones that I would be thrilled to see on that list, because in my opinion, they most definitely deserve to be there.)

Just when I start to hate the internet, it goes and makes me fall in love with it all over again.

I once had a “friend” who told my parents that I was “boy crazy.” This friend told my parents that I talked about boys non stop and that they should watch me carefully. Naturally, I got in big time trouble. How dare I like boys! I was supposed to ONLY LOVE JESUS. Anyway, thanks to my loud mouth, holier than thou, asshole of a friend, my parents thought that I was crazy about boys and watched me VERY CLOSELY, in case I, you know, started humping boys. The truth is, I can count on one hand the boys that I was “crazy”about in elementary school.
Bobby, David, Orel Hershiser (Yes, *that* Orel Hershiser.), Brad and Marty.
Marty was the secret love of my entire 6th grade life. He was smart, artistic and as my 12 year old self would say soooOoOOo funny! Of course, Marty never liked me back. Which was the case with most boys that I liked throughout my entire school aged life.
If I could find my diary from 6th grade, I am sure this is what it would look like:

Dear Diary,
I got kicked out of class again today. Mr.Teeter made me sit on the benches until art was over. It was Marty’s fault. He made me laugh like he always does. but he never gets in trouble!!!! But it’s ok, I still love Marty because he’s sooooo cute and soooooo funny.
Love,
Me.
Dear Diary,
I got sent to the principals office today. I brought a bandana to hit Marty back with, because he hits me with his every day! But I got in trouble because mine had too many rubberbands on it and the principal said I could hurt someone really bad with it. Marty never gets in trouble for anything, but I always do. But I still love him. He’s such a babe!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Me.

The entire year went by and Marty didn’t try to hold my hand or french kiss me behind any buildings, which was okay because I had no idea how to french kiss. (And sadly, when I had my first kiss as a SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL, I still was clueless.) I was secretly devastated that he never liked me back, but you know, I was 12 and there were games of foursquare to be played, so life went on.
I’ve always wondered what happened to Marty, in that “where are they now” kind of way. Did he get married? Have kids? Did he still live in California? Was he a comedian? An artist? I may have even googled his name a time of 6, but nothing ever came up.
A couple of weeks ago, for reasons I can’t remember, I logged onto my classmates account. I hadn’t logged in to that account in over a year, maybe even 2. I looked over the names of people who had signed my guestbook. I saw a man who I did not recognize. His name was Marty, but a different last name then Marty from 6th grade. Curious, I clicked on his name and HOLY SHIT! It was that Marty. The babe of a boy that I had loved for an entire year was right there before my eyes, except, he was a man now. And it was a little strange, but mostly incredibly awesome. I couldn’t resist, so I sent him an email. I figured he probably didn’t remember me, but what the hell, I wanted to say hello.
He did remember me. We did a little bit of catching up. In one of the emails, he mentioned that we went to junior high together. I thought he was wrong because surely, I would remember attending the same junior high as he did! But, junior high was the worst 2 years of my entire teenage life and apparently, I have blocked most of those two years from my memory to protect my delicate little heart from the pain. I searched for my “85” year book and found it. A couple of pages in, I found this:
marty
There was Marty, with my Totally Rad Signature Exclamation Point. (Bonus: me standing in the back of the rally with my blue trapper keeper!)
And it all came flooding back to me. We did attend the same junior high school and my crush continued for most of 7th grade, but apparently, he couldn’t read my mind, or my body language, which I’m sure was to run away every time I saw him because YOU CAN GET PREGNANT FROM JUST STANDING CLOSE TO BOYS! I guess Marty only liked girls who “were allowed to wear clothes that were in fashion.” or “allowed to shave their hairy legs.” or girls who “didn’t have to sit in the car in front of the school before school started and pray with their dads while their dads made them lift their hands and worship The Lord because YOU SHOULDN’T BE ASHAMED TO WORSHIP THE LORD IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS.”
Anyway.
We emailed back and forth a couple of times and did a little catching up. It was exciting and fun– it always is when you reconnect with someone who you adored in your past. It’s nice to know after all of these years that he’s had a good life and that he’s just as artistic, funny, smart as I remember him being 25 years ago
P.S.[Little Voice]He’s still a total babe[/Little Voice]