I thought it would be a Really Great Idea to dress Gabby in her little bathing suit and put pigtails in her hair so she would look SO CUTE when we went to the store.
That was a bad idea.
Everyone was all “Oh my God, she’s so cute!” “Look at her! How precious!” “Aw, she’s got a bathing suit on!”
Of course, she was eating it up and flaunting The Charm.
Out of nowhere, this one dude, said, and I’m NOT EXAGGERATING, PEOPLE, “Oh my God! She looks like a little doll!” then, he walked over to me and said “May I please HOLD HER?”
Um.
Um.
Ummm.
Before I could answer, his wife walked over. “Oh, yes, can he hold her?”
Um. I should have said “What the hell is wrong with you? Of course you may not hold MY baby. You’re complete strangers and how do I know you don’t rub your ass crack and sniff it?”
But I LET HIM HOLD MY BABY.
Shh. Don’t tell Tony that because he will kick my ass and take away my “allowance”.
Of course, she started screaming and crying because “Hi! My mom never leaves me with anyone except my dad and only to go to Target so I’m really attached to her and, dude, I don’t know what you’re thinking but I don’t even let MY GRANDMA hold me!”
I immediately grabbed her away from him and walked away feeling like a Very Shitty Mother.
I know the man didn’t have bad intentions, I didn’t get those kinds of vibes at all, but WHY DID I HAND MY BABY OVER TO HIM?
I know why, because him and his wife caught me completely off guard.
And I wonder, had a little old lady asked me to hold her, would I have thought it was so damn weird that a stranger would ask to hold my baby?
The moral of this story is never take your baby girl to the store in a baby bikini. It makes people lose their damn minds.
(Ok, She asked for it…)
I didn’t INTEND on turning this into a big ball of The Cheese, it just happened, man.
My First Night Out With a Friend post Gabby was awesome.
Jamie Kennedy is hilarious and I could easily fall in love with him if it weren’t for the fact that he looks EXACTLY like my littlest brother. And when I say “exactly” I mean “exactly”.
The comedian who opened the show, Tom Segura, was extremely funny. I’ve added him to the Short List of comedians I love. He should feel special.
I missed Gabby and the boys, but I didn’t call 20396 times to check on them like I thought I would. I only called ONCE! And that picture wasn’t even set up! It was completely real and sincere!
The night was not without Suckage, but nothing serious. The biggest suck of all was the second comedian. Oh, it was painful. I felt sorry for him, man. The funniest suck was what I like to call The All Time Greatest Squish The Foam moment in history. My friend who L-O-V-E-S her some hot wings, ordered a plate of hot wings for dinner. Well, imagine the HORROR when the waitress came back with the order and set THIS on the table.
ARE THEY SERIOUS? Four wings and 2 token celery strips? She was pissed. I was laughing.
“SQUISH THE FOAM! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!”
She didn’t “squish the foam” but she did inform the waitress that they need to “put that on the menu” (“that” meaning “$7.95 only buys you FOUR WINGS!)
I did have my first taste of Devil Water since finding out I was pregnant in 2003.
As you can see, that made me happy.
You know what else made me happy?
That I didn’t let The Fat win. That I’m no longer letting The Fat control me. The “old me” would never have left this house to go out and have fun because “I’m fat and I have nothing to wear and all the skinny hot people will throw up when they see me” (And trust me people, skinny, hot people LOVE to go to the Improv and MAN do they love to show off their fake boobs and artificial tans.) But the New and Improved me refuses to NOT LIVE MY LIFE because of my weight. Instead of being ashamed of how I look and my size, I choose to be proud of myself for how hard I’ve worked to lose 55 pounds. Yeah, I still have 50 more to go, but I choose focus on how far I’ve come rather than how far I have to go.
I realize there will still be people who look down on me because of my size, but for the first time in a long time, I also realize that they can fuck off because this isn’t about other people. This is about me living my life to the fullest, no matter what size I wear. I’m so over obsessing about what others will think about me and the size of my ass. Life is too damn short for that nonsense. (but if we’re talking about going to the beach, or any place where a swimsuit must be worn, that’s not considered “nonsense” because HELL NO am I ready to display my ass at the beach yet.)
It probably sounds stupid to most people, but to me? It’s a change of life. I’ve had such a screwed up way of thinking and I’m working hard to change it.
I’ve always believed for some fucked up reason that I can’t do things other people do. Things I want to do? I don’t even try because “I’m too fat.” “I’m too slow”. “I can’t afford it.” “I’m not good enough.”
What a sad way to go through life. Not even trying for fear of failing. For fear of “looking stupid”. For fear of “what will people think.”
To believe you can’t just because you’re you.
Well, last night really opened my eyes to so many things. I’m sick of the time I’ve wasted with that bullshit. So, in honor of trying things I’ve always wanted to do but didn’t because I think I suck too much to succeed? I called Authur Murray dance studios to get information about Salsa lessons.
That’s right, I want to learn to dance Salsa and I’m GOING to learn how to dance Salsa.
Turns out, this was so much more than “A night out” for me, it was a, how does Dr.Phil say it? “A defining moment in my life”.
I might even have a drinky!
Getting ready to go out is easy when you literally only have ONE thing that fits you.
I only mention “going out” because… I’M GOING OUT TONIGHT!! With a friend! No kids! To see Jamie Kennedy at the Improv! DID YOU HEAR THAT?! I SAID I’M GOING OUT TONIGHT!
I’m trying to play it cool and not act too excited about this, but… I’M GOING OUT TONIGHT! WITH A FRIEND! NO KIDS! TO SEE JAMIE KENNEDY!
I hope he doesn’t suck, because, man, I painted my toe nails for him!
I should finish getting ready now, because, I’M GOING OUT TONIGHT!
Dilemma
I have a dilemma.
August 3, my daughter turns a year old. August 8, my husband turns 40. Two very “big, important” birthdays. I want them both to be celebrated, but not sure how to make it happen.
Here’s what I’m thinking about doing.
Combining them.
Like, inviting all of our friends for Tony and all of the family for Gabby (and Tony, of course) and having it at the park with music and games (horseshoes, volleyball etc for the adults) then, having a cake with a picture of the two of them on it, saying something clever about the two of them on it (but, not being clever, I have no idea exactly WHAT it would say)
Is that stupid? I mean, is it mean to not let them each have their own day? I think I could make it really special, but then again, I think I’m funny and most people don’t agree.
The Power of two teeth and squinty eyes
My daughter has learned to use her “Charm” to get what she wants.
A talent that I have never been able to master.
Perhaps it’s because I do not possess the Gift of Charm, (not to be confused with the Gift of Farting on Command, because that gift? I totally possess.)
This little girl, however, is bursting with charm.
And MAN, does she know how to work it.
Example.
She was outside watching her daddy “clean the rocks” he was going to use in the planter out front. She gradually made her way to the bucket full of water and rocks and started touching them.
“Awww” I said, “She’s helping her daddy! How cute! I MUST GO GET THE CAMERA!”
By the time I came out, she had decided she wanted to eat the rocks and bite them with the only two teeth she has.
“No! Don’t put those in your mouth, Mimi.” I said firmly.
Apparently, in baby talk, “no” means “again! do it again!” because the second Tony took one rock out of her mouth, she immediately grabbed another one and shoved it in her piehole as fast as she could.
“G-a-b-r-i-e-l-l-a-m-e-r-c-e-d-e-s, No!” I said even more firmly then the first time.
What does the girl do?
That. That’s what. Everytime we told her no.
And that’s what she does everytime we try to “discipline” (I use the term loosely) her.
Me: “No!”
Her.
Me: “Gabby! Stop!”
Her.
Me: “Biting’s not nice! Be nice!”
Her. (as she bites)
The girl is good. Really good.
Too bad for her, it’s only going to work for SO LONG on me, but her dad? She’ll have him snowed for the rest of his life. I can already tell you people that I’ll be the parent she hates because “I’m mean.” “I never let her do anything” “I always say ‘no’!” “I wrote about her farting on the internet!”
But Dad? Dad will be the hero that saved her from The Mean Mommy.
I can not WAIT to see how right I am on this one.
Because, yeah, we’re TOTALLY fighting about that at the moment.
When grilling burgers, is one supposed to put barbeque sauce on the patties while they’re grilling so as they are to absorb the flavor of the sauce, or after they have cooked all of the way because they don’t actually absorb the sauce and all it does is make a huge mess all over the grill?
Prove me right, Internet.
View THIS.
I have a confession.
I tivo’d The View.
If you knew how much I hate each and everyone of those women, you’d understand how badly it hurt to hit “record”. I haven’t watched them in YEARS, but last night, I saw a commercial that said Dr.Cruise was going to be on and I was like OH I HATE HIM SO I HAVE TO WATCH IT!
I just finished watching it and HOLY SHIT, it was worse than I had imagined it would be.
OH MY GOD.
Each of them kissed his ass profusely, as I expected they would, but WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THOSE WOMEN? It was “katie” this and “katie” that and “you must work out a lot because look at your body”. and “the movie was INCREDIBLE” and “GO GET KATIE WE WANT TO SEE HER BECAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD HASN’T HAD ENOUGH OF YOU BOTH YET SO GO GO OMG HERE SHE COMES EEEEEEEEEEEEE KATIE!”
I would love to “sit down” and “talk” with Mr.Cruise.
“Hey Tom, you recently made comments about Brooke Shields in which you judged her for the way she chose to treat her post partum depression. My question for you is.. When did you grow a vagina? Oh, you don’t have a vagina? Seriously? You mean, you’ve never pushed a human being with a skull and bones out of your twat? REALLY? Then why don’t you shut the fuck up about women’s issues already? Or, better yet? Why don’t you say it to my face, pretty boy? Tell me I was wrong to take medication to keep me from hurting myself YOU BIG STUD. SAY.IT.RIGHT.NOW.”
Why is the media so damn nice to that man? Why do the WOMEN continue to kiss his ass? I think he could say “I beat my wimmins and make them chew my toenails” and the women on The View would be like “You’re amazing, Tom! I’m jealous of Katie!”
Puke.
In other news, I got my hair “cut” today. Only, I chickened out because I’ve become completely attached to my long hair and only got a trim.
I love it though, it’s so fresh and light and shiny and… people? I’M IN LOVE. That’s right. I’m in love with my hair, because my hair is beautiful and compassionate, and my hair cares deeply about people.
YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!
Glamour Shots (ha ha ha)
Now I understand why my dad used to take a ruler to my bangs and then, after I had spent HOURS getting them “just right”, take his hands and push them down while I cried “nooooo, they weren’t THAT HIGH!”
Now I understand why “grooming your eyebrows” is so important.
But THANK GOD for “clear mascara” because look how it made my eyes “pop”.
(Does the title of this post make The Internet uncomfortable? Because, it’s ok to laugh. Really, it is. Infact, it would make me feel better if you did. He’s not going anywhere, because he kissed me all over this morning and told me he loved me, but I can’t help but think he might change his mind when he’s at work because HELLO? I’m OVERLY DRAMATIC.)
Please send hate mail to imutilatecocks@becauseitmakesthempretty.com
SJ asked The World Wide Web if she should circumsize her potentially male baby.
Oh my GOD.
The Militants came out and are saying things like ““cutting off your baby’s eyelids because you think it looks better that way” and “mutilate” and “DON’T DO IT YOUR BOY WILL HATE YOU YOU PENIS MUTILATOR!!”
I made that one up, sort of.
But again… OH MY GOD.
We decided right away that we would have our boys snipped.
Yeah, that’s right, I mutilated my children. I AM A PENIS MUTILATOR! HOW CAN YOU STAND ME, INTERNET?
I understand being passionate about issues. I used to be an anti abortion advocate. I would protest, I would sit on the curb of abortion clinic driveways and pray for the babies that were going to be sucked into a sink that day. I would cry for the women who were going to be laying in a bed bleeding that night, crying for the “blob of tissue” they just had sucked out of their body. I would carry petitions to stop the murder of unborn babies and ask people to join me in the fight.
Then I grew up and I realized that it is not my place to tell other people what they should do. That people will make the decisions that they make and they have reasons for making them. I’ll never agree with abortion, you’ll never convince me it’s NOT the ending of a life, but I’ll never feel it’s my place to tell another woman what she should do with her body. It’s not my place to judge.
So, I understand people feeling so strongly about something that they feel the need to say things like “MUTILATE THE PENIS” or “WHY STOP THERE? WHY NOT CUT OF THE BABY’S EYELIDS TOO?” to make their point, but what’s with the overdramatics when it comes to FORESKIN? (yes, I know there are risks involved, but as parents, you consider the risks and you make the choice that YOU FEEL is the best one.)
It’s almost worse then the breastfeeding militants. “If you do not breastfeed your baby, your baby will BE SKINNY AND UGLY AND SICK ALL OF THE TIME AND IF YOU LOVED YOU BABY HOW COULD YOU STICK THAT BOTTLE IN THEIR MOUTH?”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a breastfeeding advocate, but I don’t get trying to SCARE women or intimidate them into doing it.
Nor do I get people trying to scare people into not clipping their potentially male baby’s penis.
I see an intervention in my future
“You’ve got so much shit in your head that you just need to get over.”
That’s what my friend told me this morning.
Or something REALLY close to that, because, I wasn’t paying attention.
That’s another thing she said.
“You don’t pay very close attention to things.”
Both statements are completely true.
The gym we recently joined has tanning beds and offer one free tan. She suggested we try it after our workout. I immediately began to freak out at the idea of getting into a tanning bed. “I’m claustrophobic.” “I’ll panic” and most importantly? “I’m not getting naked!”
You see, one of the biggest reasons I’ve never tried a tanning bed?
The whole “naked” thing. I don’t get naked anywhere but in my bathroom, and only after checking to make sure the door is locked and Tony’s not hiding behind the toilet to Sneek A Peek.
As I was standing there, trying to think of a way to get out of it, I made a decision to stop listening to all of The Shit in my head and just DO IT.
“I’m stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone. I just want that to be known!” I said to my friend as I signed the waiver form.
I did panic a little once I shut the top of the bed, but I closed my eyes and tried to think “happy thoughts” only, it didn’t really work because MAN, all I could think about was “What if my nipples burn? HOW WILL GABBY LIVE because aint NO ONE sucking on them if they burn!”
Other than worrying about my nipples, I LOVED IT. The heat felt great and I walked out of there with some color on my Germanly white legs. I now plan on doing it at least once a week.
Had I given into all of The Shit in my head, I never would have tried it and I’d not be sporting a sweet lil’ tan on my not so sweet, not so lil’ body.
I love this whole new world of mine, in which I tell the paranoid voices that live in my head to “SHUT IT” and I listen to the voices of the people who love me and promise me they are not going to let anything bad happen to me inside of the tanning bed.
Life is much better this way. Much better.