My heart is broken

Ethan just showed me his kindergarten memory book. It’s filled with pictures of him throughout the year and some of his art work and writings.
I can’t stop crying.
I missed out on so much this year. I should have been there in his class watching him do these things, taking pictures, recording it. Instead, I layed in bed crying and beating myself screaming that “nobody loved me” all the while that precious boy was there at school thinking of his mommy, the mommy he loved with all his heart hoping she’d come help in class and watch him play on the playground.
I wasn’t there for my little boy.
I can’t believe the pain and grief I feel in my heart at this very moment.
Memories I can never get back.
I feel sick and I can’t stop crying. I missed out on so much.
I can’t ever get those memories back, I can’t make it up to him.
All I can do is vow to never let it happen again.

9 thoughts on “My heart is broken

  1. don

    All is NOT lost!! You still have summertime, 1st grade, and on up!
    As Meg says, the future DOES make up for the past!
    I’m glad you are doing better!!

  2. dana michelle

    While it’s true you can’t change the past, you did learn a very valuable lesson, and I think you may have gained some insights you wouldn’t have had before if you han’t gone through this. Because of that, I think you’ll appreciate the preciousness of life and the importance of those little things that you can’t ever go back and do over, so you’ll make sure that you do them next time around.
    I’m sure Ethan doesn’t hold it agaist you, and you shouldn’t either. Forgive yourself and just try to be the bestest mommy you know how to be, from here on out.

  3. ratty

    don’t beat yourself up.
    we can’t change the past… we just do the best we can and move on.
    and you have the WHOLE REST OF HIS LIFE to love him, YAY!!

  4. Da Goddess

    I missed most of my daughter’s year in Kindergarten. Being healthy is much more important to your children than the memories of just one year. (I know…it still SUCKS!) Just believe me when I say that it all works out in the end.
    (I couldn’t do everything this year with my son, either. I hate seeing the photos of him without me or doing something I didn’t know about…but, we have a million other memories to cherish from this year!)

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