Aerobic Dance Crack.

Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes. Honestly? (Which, honestly? Is my new favorite word. And, honestly? It bugs the ever living crap out of my husband. But, honestly? The fact that it irritates me makes me want to use it all of the time because honestly? I’m a brat.) The birthday wishes that you all left here for me was my second favorite part of turning THIRTY FIVE. The best and most favorite part was the birthday card/present that my husband gave me in which he misspelled the word “beautiful.”

I swear. I love that man a little more everytime he tries to be “Romantic”. (And I use the word “tries” VERY LOOSELY.)
The truth is, I was feeling rather panicky and scared about turning 35. “Thirty five? That’s only FIVE away from forty! FORTY! OH MY GOD! My life is half over and I’m still renting a house and… fat! And OMG! I’ll never be young and pretty again!”
Those were the kinds of thoughts that were running through my head the night before I turned 35. Then, I read the most beautiful comment from The Beautiful Grace and everything changed.

Please, dollin, you’re not old. 105 is old. Anyone younger than that has a chance for growth, pleasure and love.
Love your age, dear Y. It’s who we are.
Trust me on this, Joy Readers. I speak from the vantage point of my happy, upbeat 51 year old self.

Those words gave me comfort and hope. Yes, HOPE! Because, you know how I tend to be “Dramatic”? I honestly (HONESTLY!) was feeling as though my life were almost over because…THIRTY FIVE! But after reading that comment, I tried to change my way of thinking. I kept repeating “105 is old! You’re only 35! You’re not old! Have fun! Enjoy life, you young thang, you!” I was like “Screw this I’m old crap! I’m going to LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!”
To some people, that might mean “signing up to jump out of an airplane” or “go swimming with dolphins” but to me? It meant “Time to start eating fruit and get back to the gym!” So, I put on my stretchy yoga pants, I doubled up my sports bras, grabbed me a cup of that healthy stuff called “water” and headed for Aerobic Dance Class.
On the way there, I was positively motivated and feeling like “This is going to be The Year.”
The year I get healthy. The year I make peace with my body. For good. The year that I become a better mother. The year that I learn to forgive. The year that I let it all go.
Also? The year that I reclaim my title as The Greatest Aerobic Dancer to Have Ever Danced Aerobically.
I arrived to the gym to find out that Bitchy Step Class Wimmins had won and that the schedule was changed to accommidate their needs and wishes. If I sound bitter in saying that, your ears do not decieve you. I am bitter. Bitter that they got their way, bitter that because of them, I have to wait until 7:45pm to Dance Aerobically, bitter that “Steppers” have more “pull” then the “Aerobic Dancers.” I’m bitter that the woman who started the whole “we should change the schedule to better fit MY NEEDS” didn’t even show up to the damn class. I’M BITTER ABOUT ALL OF IT, MAN.
When the sculpting class was over, I excitedly made my way to the front of the class and waited for Anna The Instructor to acknowledge my presence. (I admit it, I LIVE for her acknowledgment.) She did and then, she acknowledged my desire to “live life to the fullest” by announcing that “tonight, we will do The Dirty Dance.”
I was in a state of “I’m so excited that my mouth is watering uncontrollably” for a good minute and a half, but then, I looked around the room and was like “OMG! I’m going to dirty dance with THESE WOMEN?”
Now, I don’t mean that in a judgemental way, I mean that in a “How am I going to be able to dance dirtly and sexily with women wearing spandex shorts and HEADBANDS?” And honestly? I was wearing a gray shirt with the word “EVERLAST” written in giant letters across my chest. Not the greatest attire to get one in the mood to Dance Dirty.
Still, I was more excited than one should be at the prospect of doing The Dirty Dance in the aerobics room at a cheesy little gym.
At first, it felt a little ackward. Touching my body whilst doing hops and hip thrusts in a room full of strangers in spandex is just… weird. But, after a few minutes, I started concentrating on the music and how it felt to move my body in that way and I really got into it.
I should be embarrassed to admit this, but there was a moment where I was bent over, running my hands up my thighs where I got a little choked up. I closed my eyes and let myself really get into the movement and I started to feel in tune with my body in a way that I never had and I could feel the tears welling up inside of me and was like “OMG Y NO! DO NOT CRY IN AEROBIC DANCE CLASS FOR THAT IS BEYOND DUMB AND JUST STOP THIS CHEESY CRAP RIGHT THIS MINUTE” and that was the EXACT MOMENT where I heard the words “Lick my pussy and my crack” and the love for my body that I felt inside of my soul vanished and was replaced with “OMG’S” and “HAHAH’S” Because OH MY GOD. AND HA HA HA!”
You see, Anna The Instructor is from Russia. She came to America only 9 months ago and didn’t know any English at all. She can speak it, but very broken and she has a hard time understanding many words. So, when I heard the Unedited version of This Song (OMG! THAT SONG!) blasting out of the speakers, I couldn’t help but think “Does she know what they’re saying? And that there are women here who will possibly be offended? ”
I was NOT offended. Infact, I was the OPPOSITE of offended, if there is such a thing. I was like “THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAVE EVER HAPPENED IN DANCE AEROBICS. Even better than The Dance Off because I was rubbing my legs and thrusting my hips whilst doing a “spanking” motion** to a song in which a woman is all My neck, my back lick my “OMG” and my “HAHA!”.
I wish you all could have been there. I’m telling you, it was awesome, people. Totally, purely, most defininetly AWESOME. I don’t know how I lived my life without this class for three entire months.
**I’m charging the batteries to my camera as I type this so that I can record myself doing That Move because HOLY CRAP! Air Spanking is dirt-ay!? I just hope I can get up the nerve to actually POST the footage because not sure that I want The Internet to see ALL OF THIS doing ALL OF THAT.

53 thoughts on “Aerobic Dance Crack.

  1. Amber

    Y, I absolutely love that song 😉 Its hilarious! LOL Tell tony he is the most AWESOME romantic i ever met! 🙂 Well not met met, but internet met. LOL Im so glad your feel a bit better 🙂

  2. Monica

    happy belated birthday. i have been reading your blog for a few months, so i guess i am de-lurking today;o) i so enjoy your dance class stories, but this one tops them all!

  3. Itchy

    Y!!! OMG Y!!! That is the MOST AWESOME of your awesome aerobic dance class stories. I laughed, I cried, I laughed again! It was AWESOME! Oh…I love it.

  4. Lipstickface

    Your fun is so contagious it makes me want to join an Aerobics Dance class near me – even though I’m Irish and therefore genetically have no ability to dance with the top half of my body.

  5. Lynda

    LoL. My word that drives everyone nuts is “clearly”. And I’m turning the big 3-0 this year. So “clearly” it’s going to be downhill from there. Wish my gym had an aerobic dance class like yours – all we have is Body Jam and if I tried it they’d probably have to carry me out of there on a stretcher. I think I hear all of your readers chanting, “Show us the move! Show us the move! Show us the move! . . . .”

  6. Finy

    A couple of things:
    1. I didn’t think I would be able to laugh today, and you got me to. You’re fantastic.
    2. You’ve inspired me to try to find an aerobics dance class in my area.
    3. Please please PLEASE post the footage!!!

  7. jenny lee

    lil bday present for ya…i’m not sure if it’ll work so i may have to go over to you know where and post it in your comments there…so gooooo loooook!!

  8. Brandi

    Y, I have been reading you blog from the beginning trying to catch up. You remind me so much of myself except you have the balls to post it. I crack up everytime I picture your class dancing to that song (or anyone dancing to that song for that matter) Clearly your instructor had no idea about the lyrics or maybe she just wanted to spice it up a bit! Was anyone offended? Charge those batteries and post those pictures. I can’t wait to see the air spanking with my own eyes.

  9. stephanie

    Hahaha! I have never heard of that song before (dirty or non-dirty version), but I think I would have died laughing and not been capable of doing any dance, let alone the Dirty Dance, had I been in your place.

  10. beanie's mama

    belated happy birthday! been so busy, i’m behind on my blog readings…
    what an awesome way to start the NEW YOU 🙂 lick my ___ and my ___
    great, now that song is stuck in my head…hahahah

  11. xtx

    i think these dances posts are my favoritest of yours because they’re such a crack up!
    please tell me what gym does these classes cuz you really have me thinking of signing up…but I just want to join the gym for the class and not the rest of the gym…do they allow that??

  12. nancy

    So, several glasses of wine and I want to comment. surprise surprise. But what I want to say is I am infinitely impressed with your motivation to return to your fantastic dance class. My lazy butt draws inspiration from that. Also, happy happy happy birthday 35 is not old and it can’t be cause I will be 30 soon and that is too close.

  13. Pocket Dragon

    Y, you are one of my favorite bloggers, Top 3! Honest!
    Happy B-day.
    Thank you for feeling the same way I do, and I’m not even married, or have children, or a place of my own yet. But this post touched me so much, I am printing this out and sending it to my mother so she can finally see what I’m feeling.

  14. Laura

    OMG – your dance posts crack me up.
    Off note in a very stalkerish way – I dreamed about you last night! In the dream I turned on the TV and you were on Wheel of Fortune (WTH? I know) and I kept telling everyone “I know her, that is Y!” and they asked me how I knew you and I was all “Umm, well I don’t really know her but I read her blog everyday.” Now hopefully you will leave my subconscious.

  15. Lily

    Wow! I love your blog! You are so funny! Happy belated birthday. I first got that OMG-I’m-getting-old-! complex when I turned 30. Now I feel I get selective amnesia to how old I am (to hard to let go of the 20s). But you’re right. We should just enjoy our youth as much as possible.

  16. p

    From now on, I’m going to hear that song as
    “My neck, my back,
    lick my OMG and my HAHAHA!”
    Thanks Y 🙂 And way to go on the self-love!
    Post the pix!!

  17. michelle/weaker vessel

    OMFG, that was the best and most inspiring story about dirty dancing that I’ve heard in all my 32 years. Bonus points for mentions of cunnilingus AND analingus! Frisk-ay! Nobody puts the Aerobic Dancer in the corner, indeed! Happy belated birthday, Y.

  18. Mymsie

    Tee hee! A club my friend and I used to go to always played that song and I cringed everytime. Another one I hate boasts these lyrics: “Suck my d*ck, suck my motherf*cking d*ck!” Creative and charming! *rolls eyes*

  19. Princess of Power

    So, have you ever seen the show Lucky Louie on HBO? There was a scene with that song that was so damn funny, I nearly peed my pants. It sounds like your experience was just as funny. What was the reaction of the other dirty dancers? So funny!

  20. Jenn

    Um, this is pretty fucking great. I think I might have peed my pants if I was there and that happened. That is totally awesome.
    Holy shit.

  21. intuitivewoman

    Thoroughly enjoyed the visuals of your Dirtay Dance lesson, can’t wait for the footage. Also? So bummed that Boogie won BB, he’s a total a$$. And? I saw a commercial last night for your buddy, Jay Mohr, appearing in an episode of the Ghost Whisperer, and thought of you. Finally? Happy (belated) Birthday!

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