Earlier this week, I started feeding Gabby baby foods. Carrots, pears, bananas and peas. She loves them and can’t get enough and this made me happy.
Until just a few minutes ago. When she made “The Face” and did “The grunt” and I KNEW “Oh my GOD, she’s going to do her first “Real Poop.” And by “real poop” I mean, the kind that you have to work to push out, the kind that isn’t all precious and yellow and effortlesses on the exit. The kind that is multicolored and LUMPY.
Sure enough, after about 3 minutes of faces and grunts came the smell of the REAL POOP. I wanted to cry. Not because it smelled so damn bad, but because SHE’S ALREADY DOING REAL POOP. She’s growing too damn fast. I don’t think I can take it!
I want the precious, yellow, textureless poop back! Infact, can I just shove her back inside me and start all over again? PLEASE?
Gabby is teething.
And when babies are teething? They like to BITE ON THINGS. Which means, ANYTHING you stick in their mouths gets bitten, gnawed, and chewed on. About every 3 hours, I willingly place one of my boobs in her mouth to feed her, normally, this isn’t a problem, but remember, she’s TEETHING. So, she’ll suck for a little while, then B-A-M she bites down on my nipple and starts BITING AND GNAWING AWAY. It’s a dangerous situation. If I try to pull it out, it hurts like HELL, so, I calmly say “NO, Gabby! No bitey mommies boobies!”
“What is that you say, mommy? HARDER?”
I’d switch her to a bottle in a heartbeart, were it not for the fact that she REFUSES TO DRINK FROM A BOTTLE. It’s my fault, I waited to long to introduce her to it (Like three months too long.) When we DO try to give her a bottle, she mocks it. She’s like “What is this synthetic piece of crap you’re trying to pass off as a nipple? Get that piece of rubber out of my mouth NOW, and give me my nice, soft, warm natural titty back… THANK YOU.”
I can’t remember if the boys did this, but I had stopped breastfeeding Ethan at 4 months and Andrew at 6, so probably not. However, I don’t think I can do that with Gabby because of the whole “she refuses to take a bottle” thing.
Any breastfeeding pros have any suggestions? Or must I, must MY NIPPLES live in torment every 3 hours for the next few weeks? HELP?
In case you’ve ever wondered what it’s like at my house in the mornings, I give you “My Life in the Mornings, Every Morning, Except for the Weekends and Vacations.”
“Get up!”
“We’re TIRED!”
“On the Gooood Ship Lollipop” OR, maybe “I like big butts and I can not lie, you otha brothas…”
“STOP!”
“GET OUT!”
*Pillows flying at me*
“Get dressed.”
“Get your socks on.”
“Get your shoes on.”
“Why aren’t you dressed yet?”
“Put the ball down and EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!”
“Stop writing “I love pink” on your brothers notebook and FINISH EATING!”
“SCHOOL IS FOR BABIES!”
“I hate school!”
“Well, I hate cleaning toilets and washing your dirty chonies, but I have to do it!”
“PUT YOUR SHOES ON!”
“My socks are BUGGING ME! I can’t stand it!”
“Stop calling your brother a bunghole!”
“I don’t care if you called you a retard first! BOTH OF YOU STOP!”
“If you miss the bus, you’re on restriction tomorrow.”
“I hear the bus! THE BUS IS COMING!”
“I have to PEEEEE!”
“Go pee and then RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND!”
“I love you!!”
“Ah, peace and quiet! I think I’ll sit down and read…”
“Wahhhh, I want tittymilk! WHERE MA’ TIT AT?”
Apparently, it’s “not cool” to wake your boys up by singing “Goodship Lollipop” while pretending you know how to tap dance. Infact, it’s “annoying” and “stupid” and they’ll want you to “GET OUT!” of their room.
Also? If the “the tooth fairy” forgets slip a five dollah bill under the pillow of a 7 year old who lost a tooth? They suddenly don’t believe in the toothfairy. They suddenly think “Hmmmm, maybe it’s because the tooth fairy doesn’t exist and someone forgot to go to the ATM to get cash out.” And no matter HOW HARD you try, how good you lie, they have lost faith and they KNOW it’s you. Especially when they find an empty bag of M&M’s on the couch.
Do I even NEED to tell you what an ass of a mother I feel like this morning? But, it’s ok, really, because I haven’t laughed this hard in a very long time.
I’m irritated as hell right now. I thought I had taken some really great pictures of our weekend in Palm Springs, but now that I’m editing them, I’m realizing that they’re terrible! And that pisses me off. So does the fact that there isn’t ONE picture of me with my kids. Nor are there any of Gabby in her pretty little Thanksgiving dress. Dammit. Here are the few that I did get.
Ethan is The Coolest Kid and it shows in just about every picture he takes
The entrance to the “resort” we stayed at.
The view from the front entrance of the “resort” condo
My boys showing off the view from the patio of our “resort” condo
Gabby getting a bath in the sink of the “resort” condo because SOMEONE (Hint… “Someone” has a tissue shoved up his nose right now) forgot to pack her bathtub
And yes, she HATED IT
It is a fact that my boys can’t walk by an object without feeling the need to CLIMB ON IT and JUMP OFF OF IT
Did I TELL him to pretend like he was a dog peeing on the fire hydrant because I thought it would be hilarious? Or did he think of it on his own? Give me a break, what kind of a mother would put their kid up to something like that!?
There was a reason I asked you to tell me what you thought when you looked at country mouse.
The reason? I wanted to make sure I wasn’t the only one who thought country mouse had boobies. To see if anyone else thought it was weird that Ethan got a “star” for his efforts, rather than a good “talkin’ to”.
Alright, my fellow perverts, country mouse is NOT exposing her boobs. To quote Ethan…
“You’re SICK, mom, those are OVERALLS!”
Get it? Because HE’S from the country?
Yeah.
My daughter has inherited my raging temper and I finally have photographic evidence. As you look at the photos, you can mentally put my face in place of hers and switch out the toy for a burrito that has onions even though I asked for NO ONIONS, because I swear it’s the same scene. Exactly.
It started out with Tony innocently handing her a new toy hoping she’ll chew on it instead of eating her hands up.
“Look, Mom, a new toy! I’m not quite sure how to use it, but I’m a genius, so I’ll figure it out!”
It takes her a few minutes, but with little help from daddy, she gets it into her mouth and begins biting furiously
.
And what do you know? SHE LOVED IT. She was talking and squeeling and biting and kicking.
“Mmmmmmm chewy toy” The chewing goodness lasted about a minute because OH MY GOD… THE TOY FELL OUT OF HER HANDS.
“Can someone please PUT THAT TOY BACK IN MY MOUTH FOR ME? Ok, you’re taking too long, I’m going to have to bust out the ‘throw myself back and get completely stiff’ move now!”
We tried giving it back to her, but she was already pissed beyond the point of return.
“GET THAT TOY AWAY FROM ME. HOW DARE YOU NOT BE THERE TO CATCH IT THE SECOND IT FELL, YOU WILL PAY IN THE FORM OF ME SCREAMING FOR 10 MINUTES!”
If you people only knew how similar my coniptions are, you’d be like “Poor Yvonne, having to deal with a little mini-her”
Like my mom says… “It’s payback time”
***
Gabby thinks it’s HILARIOUS when I dance. I’ll put her in her swing, turn on some music and lose my mind on the “dance floor”. She smiles, laughs and even squeals out of excitement. That only encourages me to go crazy, because I loves me some attention. The only thing keeping me from throwin’ down on the ground and doing the worm is the fear that my uterus still isn’t ready for that and I might begin to bleed to death.
I can’t figure out exactly what it is about my dancing that she finds so funny, but I’m thinking that there isn’t a human being that wouldn’t find E cup boobs bouncing up and down, barely missing slapping my face and knocking me out HILARIOUS. Or, it could be the way my ass jiggles when I “drop down and get my eagle on, girrrrl” Ok, I don’t get my eagle on front of my daughter, I just said that for the shock value.
As I’m writing this, it’s hitting me HARD that I think I may need TO GET OUT MORE. I mean, I’m starting to PERFORM FOR MY 2 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER and kind of taking it seriously, even if she IS laughing at me.
Yeah, I need some adult interaction, STAT.
