I’m becoming increasingly afraid of growing old. I’m afraid of what will happen to my body and I’m NOT talking about LOOKS.

I’m talking about not being able to control my bodily functions. I’m talking about having to wear Depends. I’m talking about becoming a hunch back. I’m talking about my teeth falling out.
There are books about growing old “Gracefully.” Ok, I haven’t read the book, but how the hell is that possible if when you get older you can’t sneeze without your teeth flying out, or you can’t laugh without shitting your pants? I’m totally serious. I’ve seen what happens to people when they age. I used to visit convolescent homes to spend time with the elderly there. I’ve seen what can happen to a persons body as it ages.
You people have no idea HOW scared I am about it. I’m so scared that when someone tells a joke about someone wearing Depends, I don’t laugh, I cry and say “THAT’S NOT FUNNY, ASSHOLE! We’re only 4 pisses away from wearing them ourselves, DO NOT MOCK THE AGED!”
Two nights ago I almost had to call 911 because of a severe anxiety attack I had in the middle of the night. I couldn’t breath, my heart was pounding so hard and I thought “I’M HAVING A HEARTATTACK!” I have suffered with anxiety for a long time, so I should know better, I should know not to let my mind lose control like that. But, it happened and it’s traumatized me.
Now, I can’t obsessing about what will happen to my body when I get older. Will my heart last? Or will I die young? Will I get arthritis and lose my ability to do the simpliest things due to overwhelming pain? Will my back hurt all the time, taking the enjoyment out of sitting and watching my kids and my grandkids?
Peeing yourself when your pregnant is one thing, but not being able to control your pee on a daily basis because your bladder gave out for good is a whole other thing and I am scared the day will come where that will be my reality.
Do you ever think of that? Of growing old and losing control of your body?
What about losing control of your MIND?
I saw my Granny lose it and, while at times it WAS funny (come on, she thought that Tiger Woods got her pregnant), it terrifies me that one day that could be me. That one day MY children wouldn’t be able to take me out in public because I was afraid the police were looking for me because they thought I had buried babies in the backyard.
This growing old business SUCKS.

How do YOU define true love?
Me? I define it like this…

Someone: “I’ve got a huge zit on my ass!”
Someone’s significant Other: “Want me to pop it for you?”
That, people, is true love in it’s rawest, most beautiful form.
(Names left out to protect the sickos innocent)

Why in the hell didn’t anyone tell me it wasn’t “EDDIE are you ok?” (Well, Melly told me, but that was just last week and I’ve been singing it that way my ENTIRE LIFE!)
And who in the hell is Annie anyway? Not that I knew who Eddie was, but still…
Surely, I can’t be the only one who has thought that all of these years.

So, the feeling I’m getting is that everyone LOVES THE CHEESE! Ok, maybe they don’t “love it” but people are definitely digging the CHEESE!
Melly? not really feeling my cheese. Are you feeling it? DO YOU WANT TO FEEL MY CHEESE?
OK! Enough with the cheese.
It’s funny, even though I’ve only been away for what? A week? It feels like I’ve been away forever. Everytime something funny would happen, everytime something would annoy the crap out of me, everytime Gabby would smile, fart, puke in my mouth (and TRUST ME, you haven’t LIVED until you’ve gone to kiss a baby only to be blessed with tittymilk puke IN YOUR MOUTH),giggle, poop in the tub, pee while I was changing her, everytime Tony said something hilarious, I’d want to run to my computer to write about it, but I couldn’t! It was a tragedy! And I’m not exaggerating at ALL! I missed it.
And you missed me. YOU DID! I have the emails to prove it. Damn, it feels good to be missed.
But it does NOT feel good the day after a really good workout. No, it doesn’t at all. I hurt everywhere. And for the first time in years, I can feel my ASSBONES. Or muscles, whatever, it’s funnier to call them assbones. I didn’t realise how much I MISSED working out. That’s right, I missed it. I missed the sweating, the aching, the pain, but I did NOT miss OTHER PEOPLES STICKY ASS SWEAT ON THE MACHINES because they are TOO LAZY TO WIPE IT OFF! That’s just not cool, people, wipe the sticky stuff. Thank you.
With that, I must go eat breakfast before The Boss of me wakes up.

Can somebody in Arizona please hand Bush a hankie so he can wipe that lil bit o’spit out of the corner of his mouth so I can WATCH the damn debates without gagging? Please?

You can file this post under “No one really needs to know this, but I’m sharing it anyway”…

I need new chonies, underwear, panties, whatever you want to call them. Let me tell you WHY I need new ones.
I didn’t buy a single pair of them the entire time I was pregnant. And as I got bigger, it became a problem, because, well, not only was my stomach getting bigger, so were my thighs and my ass. So, to compensate for the leg growth, I did what any person in denial about how rapidly their ass and thighs were growing would do…
I RIPPED THE SIDES OF MY CHONIES A LITTLE. You know, so my circulation wouldn’t get cut off at the top of my thighs, eliminating the need for amputation.
So now I am wearing chonies with tears in the side, that are way to big on me.
And yes, Tony still thinks I’m sexy, but only because he hasn’t actually SEEN them. Because I roll them up into my other clothes when I put them in the hamper and I put them away really fast when I wash them. Because he would LAUGH AT ME and MAKE FUN OF ME and tell me just to go BUY SOME NEW ONES ALREADY
But I don’t want to just yet. I want to be an ass size smaller so I can feel proud and good about myself. Kinda like just the opposite of how I feel when I put on my overized, but formally were too tight so I ripped them to MAKE THEM FIT, chonies.
I can trust you not to tell anyone about this, right?

Me: “You know who Dick Morris is, right?”
Her: “Dick Morris? Personally, I prefer a guy named More Dickus.”

I’m out of CONTROL with the cleaning products. The JOYS of being a stay at home mom! And I’m not being sarcastic.

I lost my shit at Vons last night. They had all kinds of new cleaning products on sale. And I had coupons. AND THEY DOUBLE THEM!
Oh, the products I purchased! Where do I even begin? Let’s start with the new love of my life(Oxiclean is so 5 months ago) The Magic Eraser. Let me just say, they call it “magic” for a reason! It took black marks off my front door that I had tried to get out with other products, but failed, in no time! And the best part? They were on sale, 2 for $4.00 and I had 2 $1.00 off coupons, which means THEY WERE FREE (because Vons doubles the coupons!) It doesn’t get any sweeter than that for a housekeepin’, cleaning product WHORE!
My new favorite laundry product? Downy Simple Pleasures fabric softener. (which, I got for $2.99, because it was on sale AND I had a coupon) Oh my God, THE SMELL!!!! I’ve already done 3 loads of laundry, and it’s not even 9am. And the living room (where the clothes are piled on the sofa, because I don’t believe in actually folding laundry) smells like heaven!
But it doesn’t smell like heaven just because of the VANILLA, LAVENDER fabric softener, no sir.eeeee. There’s also a new little contraption on my entertainment center that is periodically letting out little puffs of scented oil (that normally would cost almost $9.00 but because of the sale and my $1.00 off coupon only cost me $2.49!) A farting air freshener!
I love that my house is TOTALLY dirty right now, but SMELLS so beautifully clean. AWESOME.
I woke up so damn happy.
Because of my new cleaning products.
What the hell have I become?