“Can you please put your boob away. It’s all hanging out again.”

You might be a Redneck..

IF YOU USE YOUR SON’S SHOE AS A PLACE TO SET YOUR BEER WHILE YOU TAKE A SNOOZE ON THE COUCH. And THEN, when confronted by your wife, you act like it’s TOTALLY NORMAL THAT YOU USED YOUR SONS SHOE AS A PLACE TO HOLD YOUR BEER WHILE YOU SNOOZE ON THE COUCH.

I wasn’t going to say anything. I was trying to be modest. But I can’t take it, I have to tell EVERYONE!
Did you know that this week is a very special week? DID YOU? Well it is, because, well, it’s…
I
Love
y
Week
And FOUR PEOPLE LOVE ME!
Wait, I mean FIVE PEOPLE LOVE ME!
It’s totally wrong that *I* bring attention to the fact that it’s “I love y” week, but I’ve never had a whole week dedicated to people loving ME before!!
ME!
I think I’m having the Best Week Ever!
Now that I got that out of the way…
What would you say to a neighbor who stops to talk to you while you’re outside and who tells you “We’re not together anymore, I caught her doing ‘The Train’ with two other guys!”??
Would you say?
A. “Choo choo”?
B. “That slut!?”
C “Was she in the middle?”
D “What’s The Train?”
Seriously. What would you say? Because I didn’t know WHAT TO SAY. Too much information there, buddy. A simple, “She was cheating on me” would have done. Or how about NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL? How about that?
I’m telling you people, the things that happen in this ‘hood? You can’t make this shit up.

Today is my 6 week check up. You know, the one where they make sure everything healed up the way it’s supposed to. You know what that means, don’t you?

It means I have to make “down there” all pretty for the doctor.
You thought I was going to say “it means I can FINALLY HAVE SEX!”, didn’t you? Admit it, you did.
Well, it does mean that too, but guess what?
I am T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D to have sex again.
I am being completely serious when I say that. I’m scared.
Not scared of the act of sex, I could never fear the penis, I’m scared that there is a possibility that I COULD END UP PREGNANT AGAIN.
I LOVE my daughter, I’m so happy I have her, but she was not a pregnancy we had planned. Not at 32 years old with two older boys.
And I was SO SURE that the Rhythm Method I had relied on for the past 14 years would WORK FOREVER!!!!!
So, now, every time I think of sex, I think it’s just another opportunity to get knocked up and that’s just NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Tony was on the waiting list to get his nards snipped, but our insurance with Kaiser is going to expire at the end of the month, so that’s not going to happen. We have to wait til our new insurance kicks in for him to have that done. We’re talking months here, people.
I feel sorry for Tony, I do, but I would feel more sorry for Tony if he was all “No baby, don’t worry, you won’t get pregnant and I GOT PREGNANT.” He tried sneaking it up on me the other night and I freaked out. “GET THAT THING OFF OF ME, IT STILL IS ACTIVE. IT CAN STILL IMPREGNATE ME! IT’S A WEAPON OF MASS FERTILIZATION!”
Four children is NOT something I want, three is just what I need, and every time I see The Penis, I see baby #4 written all over it.
Maybe I need to talk to someone about this?

I do NOT miss going to work everyday. After 14 years, I was starting to hate my job. However, you know what I do miss?
ADULT CONVERSATION
Oh my God, I miss it.
When I am out and another human adult speaks to me, I lose my mind. I’m like “YOU WANT TO TALK SOME MORE? I CAN TALK SOME MORE. I DON’T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE IN PARTICULAR AT ANY PARTICULAR TIME!”
I went to visit my grandparents on Monday night and I talked so much, my jaw hurt and my lips were numb. And I’m not even kidding.
Seriously.
Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to my daughter during the day. I love how she tries so hard to talk to me and how she smiles when I look at her. And I love when my boys come home from school and they tell me about their day. I love that more than anything.
But oh how I miss talking to someone who doesn’t puke on me while I’m in the middle of a sentence or whose vocabulary doesn’t consist of “that sucks, crap, poop and fart”
I think I might be going a little crazy, not being around adults.
I think. Maybe not, but quite possibly.

A friend of mine just referred to milk as “cow puss”
I will never be able to drink another glass of it as long as I live.

Ethan’s school is having their first fundraiser right now. He’s very excited about it and he’s trying very hard to be the top seller in the school. He has gone door to door in the neighborhood, hit up family and friends and has only sold 17 items. I did a little research and found at that people can order from the online catalog and Ethan will get credit for those orders.
SO… I figured I’d use this site to see if I can’t help make ma’ boy the top seller this year so he can win the top prize (which is the “dance dance revolution” game. HA!)
IF you’d be interested in buying something, leave a comment or send me an email and I’ll send you the information.
THANK YOU.
Or not. Either way, he can’t say mommy didn’t try to help.

Tony got home from work at 2:45 and went straight to the bathroom to “take out the trash”, as my son would say.
It is now 3:34 3:44 3:49 and he’s STILL IN THERE.
He claims he’s “going poop”. (yeah I knocked on the door and asked him what the hell he was doing in there!) Riiiiight, and I’m just “big boned”.
He does this every day, I say “going poop” my ass. He’s “reading guns and ammo” and “avoiding having to help me.”
Yeah, after 13 years of this, I’m FINALLY ON TO HIM!

This morning while I was breastfeeding Gabby, I had a mini panic attack. Here’s what happened.
While I was feeding her, I fixated on the family photo that sits on the coffee table. I was thinking how it looks so incomplete without our little girl in the picture. Then, I started thinking how one day me and Tony will die and the pictures we have around the house will serve as reminders that we once lived and were a family. That will be all that’s left, pictures and the memories they represent.

THEN… I started to think about death. And that, my friends, is what I started to freak out.
Anytime I think of death, I think of eternity. And anytime I think of eternity, I freak the hell out.

The fear of the unknown is what scares me. I can’t wrap my mind around it. If there is a heaven, will I go there? And if I do, will I know my children when they die and join me there? If there’s a hell and I end up there (which is where my dad says I’m heading right now) Will it hurt? Will I be in constant pain?

And what if there is no heaven or hell. What then? Do you just cease to exist? I mean, when you take your last breath, is that just the end of everything? No afterlife?

I start asking myself all of these questions and I start to panic. My hands and my feet went numb, I got lightheaded. I tried to make myself stop thinking about it, but I couldn’t. I started crying and hyperventilating… WHAT THE HELL.
Now, I’m trying to calm down, but the thoughts keep swirling around in my brain and I can’t stop obsessing about it.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to know what happens after I die. I just want to live forever and watch my kids grow and my grandkids be born.
Am I the only one who freaks out about this stuff? I mean, I’m sure I’m the only one who’s ever actually had a panic attack over it, but surely, there are others who have fears like I do about what happens after you die.
God damn it, I just want to stop thinking about it.

After seeing Todd Glass on Last Comic Standing 3 last night, I would like to officially declare my love for him. He has the best jokes ever. Like this one…
You know, there are some things certain people can’t say. Like, people with fanny packs… they can’t say “I have an opinion”.

That’s comedy gold, people.

The only thing funnier to me right now is that Mikey saw a bird SLIP AND FALL. I can’t stop laughing everytime I visualize that. Like, I picture the bird SLIPPING AND FALLING on his back and all the other birds pointing and laughing. But THEN the bird pretends like he’s really hurt (kinda like how I do when I slip and fall) so that all the birds who are laughing at him feel like shit because “he’s hurt”.

I haven’t laughed this hard since I read Melly’s latest post.  I love blogs.

ANYWAY.

What was I talking about again? Oh, right!  Last Comic Standing 3. I didn’t pay attention to the format of the show, so I have no idea how it works, but I don’t really care about that. I just hope Todd wins. And if not Todd, it BETTER be Rob Cantrell. (And I’m not just saying that because I think he’s REALLY hot nor am I saying that because I once licked his nipples. I swear! I’m saying it because I’ve seen him perform live 3 times and he KILLED every time. REALLY!)