Do you ever wake up pissed at the world? And you really have no reason to be pissed at the world, you just are? And everything that happens from the moment you wake up pisses you off? For no rational reason? Yes? No? IS IT JUST ME?
Have you ever had a bodily function disorder that you were embarrassed to talk about, even to a medical professional, but you think that MAYBE, if you put it out there and ask someone about it, you might discover you’re not alone, that other people suffer from that same bodily function disorder and there’s even a cream for it, but just as you’re getting the nerve up to ask someone, you realise that it’s more than likely just you and you’re body is really fucked up and if you DO talk about it, it will just get really quiet because the person you THOUGHT might be able to relate is repulsed and scared for you because what is happening when you fart to your body is TOTALLY NOT NORMAL and there’s ABSOLUTELY NOTHING any cream or pill can do for you, so you just keep it to yourself and suffer in silence, counting the days until you spontaneously combust from the disorder? NO? IS IT JUST ME AGAIN?
Have you ever written a post and then, you couldn’t figure out a way to end it?
PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE SO I STOP FEELING SO ALONE AND ABNORMAL THIS MORNING.

My husband just walked into the bedroom, holding a big ass pair of very dirty granny panties by the tag and asked me “Babe, are these your chonies? They were on the front lawn.”

Um. No. They were NOT my chonies and I have no idea who’s they were.
Now he’s in the bathroom scrubbing his hands with antibacterial soap and hot water while gagging and I’m laughing my ass off thinking that he might have just touched the neighbors dirty panties!
The moral of this story is do NOT assume panties that mysteriously show up on your front lawn at night belong to your woman.

Or something like that.

“Can you please put your boob away. It’s all hanging out again.”

You might be a Redneck..

IF YOU USE YOUR SON’S SHOE AS A PLACE TO SET YOUR BEER WHILE YOU TAKE A SNOOZE ON THE COUCH. And THEN, when confronted by your wife, you act like it’s TOTALLY NORMAL THAT YOU USED YOUR SONS SHOE AS A PLACE TO HOLD YOUR BEER WHILE YOU SNOOZE ON THE COUCH.

I wasn’t going to say anything. I was trying to be modest. But I can’t take it, I have to tell EVERYONE!
Did you know that this week is a very special week? DID YOU? Well it is, because, well, it’s…
I
Love
y
Week
And FOUR PEOPLE LOVE ME!
Wait, I mean FIVE PEOPLE LOVE ME!
It’s totally wrong that *I* bring attention to the fact that it’s “I love y” week, but I’ve never had a whole week dedicated to people loving ME before!!
ME!
I think I’m having the Best Week Ever!
Now that I got that out of the way…
What would you say to a neighbor who stops to talk to you while you’re outside and who tells you “We’re not together anymore, I caught her doing ‘The Train’ with two other guys!”??
Would you say?
A. “Choo choo”?
B. “That slut!?”
C “Was she in the middle?”
D “What’s The Train?”
Seriously. What would you say? Because I didn’t know WHAT TO SAY. Too much information there, buddy. A simple, “She was cheating on me” would have done. Or how about NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL? How about that?
I’m telling you people, the things that happen in this ‘hood? You can’t make this shit up.

Today is my 6 week check up. You know, the one where they make sure everything healed up the way it’s supposed to. You know what that means, don’t you?

It means I have to make “down there” all pretty for the doctor.
You thought I was going to say “it means I can FINALLY HAVE SEX!”, didn’t you? Admit it, you did.
Well, it does mean that too, but guess what?
I am T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D to have sex again.
I am being completely serious when I say that. I’m scared.
Not scared of the act of sex, I could never fear the penis, I’m scared that there is a possibility that I COULD END UP PREGNANT AGAIN.
I LOVE my daughter, I’m so happy I have her, but she was not a pregnancy we had planned. Not at 32 years old with two older boys.
And I was SO SURE that the Rhythm Method I had relied on for the past 14 years would WORK FOREVER!!!!!
So, now, every time I think of sex, I think it’s just another opportunity to get knocked up and that’s just NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Tony was on the waiting list to get his nards snipped, but our insurance with Kaiser is going to expire at the end of the month, so that’s not going to happen. We have to wait til our new insurance kicks in for him to have that done. We’re talking months here, people.
I feel sorry for Tony, I do, but I would feel more sorry for Tony if he was all “No baby, don’t worry, you won’t get pregnant and I GOT PREGNANT.” He tried sneaking it up on me the other night and I freaked out. “GET THAT THING OFF OF ME, IT STILL IS ACTIVE. IT CAN STILL IMPREGNATE ME! IT’S A WEAPON OF MASS FERTILIZATION!”
Four children is NOT something I want, three is just what I need, and every time I see The Penis, I see baby #4 written all over it.
Maybe I need to talk to someone about this?

I do NOT miss going to work everyday. After 14 years, I was starting to hate my job. However, you know what I do miss?
ADULT CONVERSATION
Oh my God, I miss it.
When I am out and another human adult speaks to me, I lose my mind. I’m like “YOU WANT TO TALK SOME MORE? I CAN TALK SOME MORE. I DON’T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE IN PARTICULAR AT ANY PARTICULAR TIME!”
I went to visit my grandparents on Monday night and I talked so much, my jaw hurt and my lips were numb. And I’m not even kidding.
Seriously.
Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to my daughter during the day. I love how she tries so hard to talk to me and how she smiles when I look at her. And I love when my boys come home from school and they tell me about their day. I love that more than anything.
But oh how I miss talking to someone who doesn’t puke on me while I’m in the middle of a sentence or whose vocabulary doesn’t consist of “that sucks, crap, poop and fart”
I think I might be going a little crazy, not being around adults.
I think. Maybe not, but quite possibly.

A friend of mine just referred to milk as “cow puss”
I will never be able to drink another glass of it as long as I live.

Ethan’s school is having their first fundraiser right now. He’s very excited about it and he’s trying very hard to be the top seller in the school. He has gone door to door in the neighborhood, hit up family and friends and has only sold 17 items. I did a little research and found at that people can order from the online catalog and Ethan will get credit for those orders.
SO… I figured I’d use this site to see if I can’t help make ma’ boy the top seller this year so he can win the top prize (which is the “dance dance revolution” game. HA!)
IF you’d be interested in buying something, leave a comment or send me an email and I’ll send you the information.
THANK YOU.
Or not. Either way, he can’t say mommy didn’t try to help.

Tony got home from work at 2:45 and went straight to the bathroom to “take out the trash”, as my son would say.
It is now 3:34 3:44 3:49 and he’s STILL IN THERE.
He claims he’s “going poop”. (yeah I knocked on the door and asked him what the hell he was doing in there!) Riiiiight, and I’m just “big boned”.
He does this every day, I say “going poop” my ass. He’s “reading guns and ammo” and “avoiding having to help me.”
Yeah, after 13 years of this, I’m FINALLY ON TO HIM!