Category Archives: random

This is all MIKEY’S fault.

Oh my God. How do I even begin to explain this? I’ll try. Ok…
Have you ever had a fart in the form of a bubble that travels all the way up your crack, not actually “popping” until it reached the top of your pants?
NO!?
You’ve not LIVED til that happens! I only wish someone had been here to share the moment with me.

Mmmmmm sleep deprivation

The perfect way to ensure that I’ll be a raging bitch for the rest of the day? Bring home a plain ol’ regular stupid poopoo peepee latte instead of the GINGERBREAD LATTE I asked for. To be fair, I really don’t have a right to be pissed at “the person” who went out at 6am to get me the coffee, (I should be pissed at the maker of the coffee, right?) However, if they didn’t write your order on the cup, like they’re SUPPOSED to do, shouldn’t you check to make sure they didn’t screw up and that they made the coffee you ordered? But “the person” who went to get my coffee didn’t check, leaving me no choice but to dramatically rip the lid off, pour the STUPID DRINK down the drain while crying “A GINGERBREAD LATTE HAS WHIPPED CREAM AND CINNAMON ON TOP! WHY DIDN’T YOU CHECK BEFORE YOU LEFT? WHHHHHHYYYYYY?”

Another way to resurrect my Inner Bitch? Call my house at 6:30 in the morning, just after I FINALLY got my baby to fall asleep after being since 3:30am to ask me if “I just called your house.”
No, I didn’t just call your house and if you had caller id, you’d know that. (But seriously? When was the last time I called ANYONE at 6:30 in the morning? Let me think… NEVER! That’s when, so why in the hell would you assume it was ME calling and not one of the gossipers from your church?)

Damn, I’ve been kind of assholey lately, huh?
It’s not my fault! IT’S BUSH’S FAULT!

Don’t tell me to shutup!

I talk. A lot.

And when I say a lot, I mean “I never shutup”. Melly knows this, she’s even done the hand gesture thing to me, you know, the one where you mimic someone who talks a lot, the “Blahblahblah” gesture? I know it’s irritating, but I can’t stop myself. I mean, I could, I guess, but I just have so much to say! Why do you think I have A BLOG? Do you think people in my real life want to listen to me talk about shit that doesn’t matter?
Anyway… there is a scenario that plays out in my head from time to time when I’m talking to someone and I KNOW I’m talking too much. It goes like this.
I’m talking. Talking, talking, talking. At first, the person is listening, but then they tune me out and I KNOW they’ve tuned me out, and as much as I know I should? I can’t stop talking. So, I’m standing there “blahblahblahblah” and all of a sudden I fall over. So, it’s like, I’m all “Yeah, so, I hate James Earl Jones because his fucking Verizon commercials are all ‘why don’t YOU get DSL from Verizon’ and I’m all “Because it’s not available in my AREA MOTHER FUCKER!” *THUD*
I just hit the floor. Out cold. And when I wake up, I’m all alone and I wonder “Did I talk myself to death? Or did someone hit me on the back of my head to make me shut the hell up? OR WHAT?”
It’s like my mind is telling me “STOP, PEOPLE ARE SICK OF HEARING YOUR VOICE, JUST STOP!”
I was telling this to Tony last night and I asked him if I got on HIS nerves by talking too much while we’re watching TV. “Well, I’m USED TO IT”
“Used to it!?” Excuuuuse me, I won’t talk to you anymore then!”
His response?
“Promise?”
*THUD*

If I told you I threw my back out, would you mock me?


Thankfully, The Boss Of Me did NOT have Pneumonia. The results came back late Wednesday. After much debating, we decided it would be ok to take her out, so we packed up The Van and headed out to Palm Springs to spend Thanksgiving with my family.
I’m so grateful that everything turned out for the best. I want to write all about it, some really great things happened, some HILARIOUS and CRAAAZY things. Things like peeing of the pants and dropping of the very expensive digital camera in the dish water, but I am in excruciating pain right now and unable to sit here much longer.
Just wanted to update so y’all stop worrying about Special Sauce. See? She’s smiling again. She’s almost ALL better!
On the other hand, you need to worry about my husband if he doesn’t stop the insanity. I swear to The Almighty, if he doesn’t stop walking around with tissue SHOVED UP HIS NOSE I may be forced to hurt him. Come on, that’s just STUPID and ANNOYING. Wouldn’t you agree? (You would if you had to look at that for THREE DAYS IN A ROW!)

But I LOVE asshole dog!


I don’t think I’m going to feel much like writing today. Snoop is gone. He got out yesterday and I searched and searched and searched for him. Never found him. I hoped when I woke up this morning he’d be sitting on the front porch step, but he wasn’t. I am sick to my stomach this morning. I’m going to take one more drive right now before I get the kids up for school to look for him, I just hope to God I don’t find him smashed on the road.
update
He’s back. And now I want to kick his ass for making me cry and throw up all morning. But I won’t.

Tell me…

Why do you assume that because we don’t hold the same values I must be a bad/evil/stupid/ignorant person? Is it because you truly believe that YOUR belief system is the ONLY one?
Why can’t you accept the world does not revolve around only what you believe to be true? I have, you should try it, it only hurts this much.
Why is it necessary for you to hate people who are different than you? Is it because you are afraid of “different?”
What makes your way of thinking the only way?

The Sauce!


Nothing like a whole bunch of Special Sauce to alleviate the tensions of election day.

Me and the kids are going to walk to McDonalds for breakfast, then we’ll walk to the polling place so I can get my vote on.
And yes, I’m still voting for Bush.
And NO, I don’t have to explain WHY to you.
I might take my camera along and have Andrew take pictures to document my voting adventure. Or not, because I’m really not in the mood to see pictures of myself and be reminded of just how BIG I STILL AM this morning.
Yeah, I’m having one of “those” days.
I think an egg mcmuffin and a vote for Bush will make it all better.

age aint nothin’ but a number… til you CRAP YOUR PANTS

I’m becoming increasingly afraid of growing old. I’m afraid of what will happen to my body and I’m NOT talking about LOOKS.

I’m talking about not being able to control my bodily functions. I’m talking about having to wear Depends. I’m talking about becoming a hunch back. I’m talking about my teeth falling out.
There are books about growing old “Gracefully.” Ok, I haven’t read the book, but how the hell is that possible if when you get older you can’t sneeze without your teeth flying out, or you can’t laugh without shitting your pants? I’m totally serious. I’ve seen what happens to people when they age. I used to visit convolescent homes to spend time with the elderly there. I’ve seen what can happen to a persons body as it ages.
You people have no idea HOW scared I am about it. I’m so scared that when someone tells a joke about someone wearing Depends, I don’t laugh, I cry and say “THAT’S NOT FUNNY, ASSHOLE! We’re only 4 pisses away from wearing them ourselves, DO NOT MOCK THE AGED!”
Two nights ago I almost had to call 911 because of a severe anxiety attack I had in the middle of the night. I couldn’t breath, my heart was pounding so hard and I thought “I’M HAVING A HEARTATTACK!” I have suffered with anxiety for a long time, so I should know better, I should know not to let my mind lose control like that. But, it happened and it’s traumatized me.
Now, I can’t obsessing about what will happen to my body when I get older. Will my heart last? Or will I die young? Will I get arthritis and lose my ability to do the simpliest things due to overwhelming pain? Will my back hurt all the time, taking the enjoyment out of sitting and watching my kids and my grandkids?
Peeing yourself when your pregnant is one thing, but not being able to control your pee on a daily basis because your bladder gave out for good is a whole other thing and I am scared the day will come where that will be my reality.
Do you ever think of that? Of growing old and losing control of your body?
What about losing control of your MIND?
I saw my Granny lose it and, while at times it WAS funny (come on, she thought that Tiger Woods got her pregnant), it terrifies me that one day that could be me. That one day MY children wouldn’t be able to take me out in public because I was afraid the police were looking for me because they thought I had buried babies in the backyard.
This growing old business SUCKS.