This morning while I was breastfeeding Gabby, I had a mini panic attack. Here’s what happened.
While I was feeding her, I fixated on the family photo that sits on the coffee table. I was thinking how it looks so incomplete without our little girl in the picture. Then, I started thinking how one day me and Tony will die and the pictures we have around the house will serve as reminders that we once lived and were a family. That will be all that’s left, pictures and the memories they represent.

THEN… I started to think about death. And that, my friends, is what I started to freak out.
Anytime I think of death, I think of eternity. And anytime I think of eternity, I freak the hell out.

The fear of the unknown is what scares me. I can’t wrap my mind around it. If there is a heaven, will I go there? And if I do, will I know my children when they die and join me there? If there’s a hell and I end up there (which is where my dad says I’m heading right now) Will it hurt? Will I be in constant pain?

And what if there is no heaven or hell. What then? Do you just cease to exist? I mean, when you take your last breath, is that just the end of everything? No afterlife?

I start asking myself all of these questions and I start to panic. My hands and my feet went numb, I got lightheaded. I tried to make myself stop thinking about it, but I couldn’t. I started crying and hyperventilating… WHAT THE HELL.
Now, I’m trying to calm down, but the thoughts keep swirling around in my brain and I can’t stop obsessing about it.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to know what happens after I die. I just want to live forever and watch my kids grow and my grandkids be born.
Am I the only one who freaks out about this stuff? I mean, I’m sure I’m the only one who’s ever actually had a panic attack over it, but surely, there are others who have fears like I do about what happens after you die.
God damn it, I just want to stop thinking about it.

After seeing Todd Glass on Last Comic Standing 3 last night, I would like to officially declare my love for him. He has the best jokes ever. Like this one…
You know, there are some things certain people can’t say. Like, people with fanny packs… they can’t say “I have an opinion”.

That’s comedy gold, people.

The only thing funnier to me right now is that Mikey saw a bird SLIP AND FALL. I can’t stop laughing everytime I visualize that. Like, I picture the bird SLIPPING AND FALLING on his back and all the other birds pointing and laughing. But THEN the bird pretends like he’s really hurt (kinda like how I do when I slip and fall) so that all the birds who are laughing at him feel like shit because “he’s hurt”.

I haven’t laughed this hard since I read Melly’s latest post.  I love blogs.

ANYWAY.

What was I talking about again? Oh, right!  Last Comic Standing 3. I didn’t pay attention to the format of the show, so I have no idea how it works, but I don’t really care about that. I just hope Todd wins. And if not Todd, it BETTER be Rob Cantrell. (And I’m not just saying that because I think he’s REALLY hot nor am I saying that because I once licked his nipples. I swear! I’m saying it because I’ve seen him perform live 3 times and he KILLED every time. REALLY!)

My Avon lady representative just asked me if I’d like to have an in home Avon party. I was about to say “yes” when she had to add that she “gives people a foot bath in a tub with marbles.”
Ok. NO. I had enough of “foot washing” as a child. And besides, that’s just GROSS. I love my friends, but I sure as hell am NOT going to stick my feet in a bucket that their feet were just in.

I am getting OLD.
Last night, Tony asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I didn’t even have to think about it, I blurted out…
“I WANT A SEWING MACHINE!.
He was a little surprised because normally, I’d say “I don’t want any gifts, just take me out to go dancing and buy me lots of liquor!” ( well, I used to ask for a cash register, but I gave up that dream a loooooong time ago) But because he’s old too, he was only surprised for a few seconds, then he got all excited “Really? A sewing machine? So you can make curtains and stuff?”
“Well, actually, I was thinking more along the lines of making myself really sexy aprons and pot holders, but YEAH, I’LL MAKE CURTAINS TOO!”
Next thing you know, I’ll be making quilts and going to women’s bible study on Tuesday mornings.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
(and I’m totally serious, I really do want a sewing machine. And I think after 24 hours of labor with my daughter, I’m ENTITLED to one!)

I was trying to think of how to put into words just how tired I am. There are no words.
But there’s things one does when this tired that paints a picture without having to use words. Like, when ones upper left ass cheek itches, and they stick their finger up their nose to scratch it.
Now I have a bloody nose and my ass still itches.

This isn’t for money, just for fun, and if you’re right, you get to gloat all about it in the comments.
Let’s bet on what day y is going to go into labor. Starting from today, the 29th, leading up to the 5th of August (if she hasn’t had Gabby yet, she’ll be induced on the 4th, but remember, labor could go on into the 5th. or maybe not.) All I know is that I’m taking this way too seriously.
My bet: Sunday, August 1st (i’m a dumbass).

-Melly

GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYONE!!
No baby yet, but THAT’S TOTALLY OK WITH ME!

You won’t hear me complaining, oh no. I wouldn’t want to DEPRESS YOU!

So what if I can’t sleep at night! WHO NEEDS SLEEP ANYWAY! Not being able to sleep is AWESOME!

I have been skipping around the house today, not even CARING or WORRYING about when she’ll come because I’M JUST HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!
Just call me chipper, call me perky, call me totally NOT depressing, because I live to MAKE EVERYONE*drew*HAPPY!

So HAPPY FREAKING WEDNESDAY, people.

My doggies are gone.
Both of them.
They’ve gotten out before, but we always find them wandering around the ‘hood. We’ve looked for over an hour and can’t find them anywhere.
I’ll be heartbroken if they don’t come back, mostly for my boys because my boys LOVE those dogs and will miss them terribly.

Stupid dogs!

When one has hemmoroids, the term “bubble butt” takes on a WHOLE new meaning and just isn’t quite as funny.

My feet are purring.
I went last night and had a one hour spa pedicure. It was pure heaven.
The vibrating chair. Uh, I want one.
I had her paint my nails pink, of course.
The only thing I didn’t like was that the lady kept talking to me. I didn’t want to talk! I wanted to close my eyes and relax! Eventually, I closed my eyes, and started moaning. That shut her up.

It’s amazing what a little attention to the feet can do for a girl.