Anytime my cell phone rings at 3pm, I immediately think “it’s Jenny!” And it usually is. It’s awesome to have a friend who calls just to check up on me every once in a while (or, sometimes, to tell me that she thinks the Pope is out to get her.)
During one of our more recent phone calls, the conversation turned to fear of flying. I was all “I just started to get over my fear of flying and then the mother fucking birds took that plane in NYC and now I’m afraid to fly all over again because BIRDS CAN TAKE DOWN A PLANE.” And Jenny was all “I know! And birds are everywhere! I think we should kill all of the birds!” And I was all “YES! WE SHOULD KILL THEM… WAIT. No, I can’t agree with that. Because… I love birds.”
I think she thought I just meant “I love birds in the way that normal people love birds. Because birds are pretty and make beautiful music.” So I had to make her understand.
“When I was in high school, I was obsessed with birds. Birds were pretty much my life.”
I continued.
“I subscribed to Bird Talk Magazine. And I would cut pictures of birds out and hang them on my wall. Because I loved birds THAT MUCH.”
Then, I was all “but that’s not all! My dad built an aviary so I could breed lovebirds. And I would spend hours after school with my birds. AND ONE TIME! My breeder escaped and I was trying to catch her and a HAWK SWOOPED DOWN AND TOOK HER AWAY! And I screamed and my Mom and Uncle came running. I was all “A hawk took my bird! He landed somewhere over there!” And my Uncle grabbed a bat, hopped the fence, found the hawk, beat it with a bat and rescued my lovebird! But she was all bloody and near death, so I did a little research in one of my BIRDTALK magazines and read how to nurse her back to health by keeping her in a shoebox in one of my drawers in my bedroom. And she lived and laid eggs again.”
Jenny was all “oh my God, you’re a fucking WEIRDO and I love you even more after hearing that story.” Which I’m pretty sure was code for “Looooser.”
So, yeah. While you were enjoying things like “homecoming dances” and “dates” I was busy hanging up centerfolds of COCKATOOS and nursing half dead birds back to life.
untitled
I said I would choose the winner of the raffle for the camera this morning. I had Ethan help me this morning and we recorded it, but it is now 5 minutes until noon, and I do not have time to upload the video. SO, I’m going to go ahead and just tell you that the winner is Matthew. I will post the video later on today.
When I set this up, I didn’t think it was tacky, nor were there any selfish motives involved. I was hurting for a friend who had lost her only child. I didn’t want her to have to worry about how she would pay for the funeral. I knew she had been laid off from her job a few months ago– I know the expense of the funeral would be overwhelming and I wanted to do whatever I could to help. If I had $1,000 to help her, I would have given it. Instead, I thought “how can I turn my $100 into $1,000?” I’ve participated in car washes and bake sales to help people who needed to raise funds to bury a loved one. You can’t do that on the internet. I thought this was a good alternative. And the fact of the matter is with your help, we raised over $1,800 to help a mother and father who suffered a sudden and tragic loss. That’s what matters to me.
Thank you to everyone who donated to The Spohrs. You are wonderful and I appreciate your generosity more than words could ever express.
Remembering Maddie
Doing What We Can
I was going to donate money to the paypal account that has been set up to help the Spohr family cover the cost of Maddie’s funeral.
I decided against donating.
Instead, I went and ordered a digital camera. A Nikon Coolpix 10.0 mp camera.
But. The camera’s not for me.
I bought the camera with the intention of trying to raise money for The Spohr family. It is my wish that we can raise enough to cover any and all expenses so that they don’t have worry about such things. They have enough to deal with right now.
Here is how I’m going to do it. To enter, all you need to do is make a donation of at least $10. For every $10 you donate, you’ll get an extra chance to win. (Example: If you donate $30, you’ll be entered 3 times. If you donate $25, you’ll be entered twice.)
How you enter:
Click on the PayPal link set up in Maddie’s honor. Make a donation of at least $10.00.
When you receive your confirmation number, fill out the information on the form below:
*I’ve removed the form. Winner of the raffle will be announced tomorrow. (Saturday) Thank you so much for your donations.
How the winner will be chosen:
When the contest is closed, I will use random.org to select a number based on the number of entries I receive.
I will ship the camera to the winner on the day the winner is chosen, provided the order has arrived.
When will the winner be chosen?
I will stop accepting entries on Friday night (April 17th) and will choose the winner Saturday Morning. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments and I’ll get back to you as soon as I possibly can.
For Those of You Who Want to Help The Spohr Family
Shame on them.
I didn’t sleep much last night.
I kept waking my husband up to tell him I couldn’t believe that Maddie was gone. I felt a sadness I’ve not felt before. When I woke up this morning, I felt a sense of helplessness. A friend had just suffered an unimaginable tragedy and there was nothing I could do to heal her heart.
I logged onto her blog this morning and saw that it was down. Having this incredible desire to do something useful, I contacted Bluehost to find out if there was anything they could do to help.
I put in a help ticket on behalf of thesphorsaremultiplying.
Here is the email exchange:
From me: I see the account has been suspended. Probably due to a surge in traffic. Is there something you can do to bring the site back? The owner of the site’s baby girl died yesterday. She was only 17 months old. That’s why she’s getting so much traffic, people want to help. Can someone help with this?
From Brandon:
Before I can give out account info I need you to validate the account with password or the last four of the credit card on file.
Thank you,
Brandon
From me:
Brandon. I don’t have that information. I was just wondering if there was anything anyone there can do to help get her site back up. It’s a long shot, I know, but people want to go to her site to get information on how to donate to her March of Dimes page in honor of the baby that just died.
From Brandon:
I do apologize but with out account password or last four of the credit card on file I am prohibited with giving out info of why the suspension has occurred or how to rectify.
By the time I got the last reply, her site was back up for a few minutes, so I responded with the following:
For the record, I didn’t want to know why it was suspended, I just wondered if there was anything you could do to get her site back up. Thanks for your help.
And that was the end of the conversation.
I know that others tried to contact to ask for help.
From @temptingmama
When I spoke to @bluehost about @mamaspohr I said “they ‘re not email spammers & their daughter just died.” They said that’s the rules.
“That’s the rules.”
I get it. They’re a business. They have rules. GET IT.
But, what THEY don’t seem to get is that their customers are REAL PEOPLE. And in this case, real people who just lost their daughter. Real people who are making funeral arrangements for their daughter. They really couldn’t have overlooked the rules in this case? Even for only for a couple of days while the site was moved elsewhere?
I’m outraged at their lack of humanity.
Updated:
A comment from Deb that says so beautifully what I failed to say.
I’m concerned that they not only did not help, but also sounds like they
did not acknowledge the human issue under the tech question when talking to
both of you. All customer service front line folks should know how to say
(when a red flag of media, high-profile, or special need like this goes
up): let me find someone who can work with you on this special situation.
Talk about alienating influencers.
I hope that the higher-ups at Bluehost are appalled and feel moved to make
a substantial donation to March of Dimes in acknowledgement of their poor
handling of this.
Shock
I can’t sleep.
My friend’s baby died today.
Her baby died.
I had read that she has been taken to hospital by ambulance. I was worried, so this afternoon I sent her an email.
Just catching up on what’s going on with your baby girl. I’ve been so busy and wrapped up in my stupid little world.
If you need ANYTHING, please don’t hesitate to call me. I’m only an hour-ish away.
Thinking of you all.
She wrote back and said she was worried. Maddie was breathing really hard and the doctors didn’t know why. She was scared, but glad she was being monitored so closely.
I remember feeling worried, but thinking they would figure out what was wrong and she would get better. She had to get better.
Then, tonight, I clicked over to her blog and read this.
My husband was sitting here on the couch with me when I read it. I threw my laptop down and just shouted “NO! NO!!”
I started to shake. I was in shock.
I then called a couple of friends who are also friends with Heather and we sobbed together in disbelieve.
It’s unreal. I still can’t believe it.
Every time I close my eyes to try to sleep, I think of Heather. I think of the last time I saw her– we were at the LA food bank, volunteering our time. She was so kind and wonderful to be around. Towards the end of the day, she got a phone call from her babysitter. Maddie had a fever. I saw the worry instantly sweep over her face. I told her it was okay if she needed to leave. I could just feel the love she had for her baby girl in that moment.
I keep thinking of the way she spoke of her daughter. I keep thinking of her sweet smile
And then… I think of how her world just fell apart today. How she no longer has her baby girl to kiss or hug. I think of in the blink of an eye,everything changed. I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around the devastation she feels. The heartache. I hurt for her. For her husband. And for that beautiful baby Madeline who left this earth way too soon.
I don’t understand. I can’t make sense of it at all.
Please pray for Heather and her husband. They’re going to need all of the love and support we have to offer to help carry them through this horrible time in their lives.
Defeated
Since being diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, I’ve had more than one doctor tell me that it would be difficult to lose weight They made it sound like it would be impossible. I was even told to measure my success by “not gaining weight.” instead of “by losing weight.”
Because that’s not depressing enough, I was told by an emergency room doctor that I would need to use extreme caution when exercising because hypothyroidism had caused irregularities in my heart beat. I was told it was okay to walk and lift light weights, but not much more than that.
I remember walking out of the emergency room feeling hopeless. How could I ever lose the 70 pounds I had put on since this whole thyroid mess began by WALKING? Especially when doctors had already made it clear that weight loss would be such a challenge.
I also felt fear. Fear that I could possibly kill myself by working out just a little too hard.
I was deeply depressed for weeks. I tried to pretend like everything was fine, like I knew I was going to be okay eventually. But that wasn’t the truth. I felt hopeless, scared and very sad at what had become of this body of mine.
Recently, something kind of amazing happened. After a year of being on thyroid medication (for a condition that went undiagnosed for almost TWO YEARS.) I began to feel a bit more like myself. I had more energy. I wasn’t mentally exhausted every minute of every day. I no longer felt depressed and the mental fog I had been living in was lifting. So, I decided it was time to do something about my weight. Because I finally felt strong enough to do it. I joined Weight Watchers and began working out in the gym again.
It wasn’t easy at first. But I had the stamina to stick with it.
And every time I worked out, I felt just a little bit better. I was careful with my heart rate, but I didn’t let fear stop me from pushing myself just a little bit harder. I went from being able to only do 20 minutes at a level 5 to doing 45 minutes at a level 8-9. And I FINALLY STARTED TO SWEAT. I felt so damn good that one time? I started to cry happy tears. WHILE WORKING OUT. It was cheesy, but wonderful at the same time.
The first month, I lost 10 pounds. Which was a MIRACLE for my body. At least it felt like one.
But now, here we are, months later and guess what? I’ve not lost a single pound. In fact? I’ve gained a pound.
I know I said I wasn’t going to pay attention to the numbers on the scale. Because this is about getting healthy! This is about strengthening my heart! And adding years to my life! And I AM stronger! I HAVE built up endurance! GO MY BODY!!
But, I am 80 pounds over weight. At some point, I need to see the numbers drop on the scale. Or at LEAST the dress sizes drop. But… NOTHING. It’s not happening and seriously? WHAT THE HELL?
I’ve been going to the gym faithfully at least 5 nights a week. And I’ll spend at least 1-2 hours there working my ass off every time I go. When I don’t go, I work out here with weights and squats and walks around the block. I’m staying within my points on weight watchers (except for the night I had a chocolate chip calzone and 2 martinis on date night. Oh! And a cadbury egg last night. But even still… WORKING!OUT!EVERY!NIGHT!)
The point is this. After weeks of walking around going “I may not be losing weight, but I’m gaining strength! And I feel better!” the lack of any significant change to my weight has finally knocked me on my ass.
I feel defeated.
Last night my husband tried to make me feel better about it. “Honey, you’re working so hard. You’re trying to do the right thing and that’s all that matters.”
“I know.” I said. “I’m proud of myself for that. But.. imagine if you were working hard to pay down your debt. And every week when you got paid, you took any extra money and applied it towards that debt. You sacrificed doing things you loved so you could pay that debt off. And imagine if every week when you checked the balance, it stayed the same. Even though you had put every extra penny you had towards the balance. It hadn’t budged a single penny. WOULD YOU NOT BE UPSET?”
He got it.
I hate to be all Soap Opera Serious, but– that’s how I feel today. Maybe I’ll feel better once I’m at the gym tonight, but right now, in this moment, I feel hopeless. This isn’t about vanity. This is about feeling scared for what all of this extra weight is doing to me internally and feeling hopeless to change it. I’ve been doing all of the “right things” and it’s not working.
What else can I do?
The Winner is
Things are crazy busy here this weekend. (See: PAINTING. Also see: FUN!)
But! I didn’t want to keep you waiting to find out who won a copy of Understanding Exposure.
The winner:
Jessica of The Hunter’s Prize.
Tonight I’m going to pour myself a glass of Blackberry Wild Vines and look at all of the photos you so kindly left links to in the comments. You are the best, You Guys. 🙂
Exposure
When I first started using my Canon Rebel, I shot everything in auto or aperture priority. After several weeks of shooting in auto mode, I began to question my decision to spend money on the new camera. The reason I wanted to upgrade from my point and shoot digital camera to a DSLR in the first place was because I wanted to have more creative control over the pictures that I took.
However, I was overwhelmed with all of the features and buttons and OH MY GOD APERTURE WHAT? ISO THE HELL? I mean, I knew what “exposure” meant and that it was “very important.” (Lighting is EVERYTHING!) But I didn’t know how apature/iso/speed all worked together. And anything I would read about it would make me cry a little because TOO MUCH INFORMATION. BRAIN JUST DIED A LITTLE.
I began to ask my brother in law, who is an incredibly talented photographter, some questions and he did his best to help me understand what it all meant. And as he would tell me, I’d be all “Ohh, I get it!” But the next day, I’d be all “wait, low light needs higher f-stop or is it the other way around and ISO is for what again?” For some reason, all of the information just wasn’t clicking.
But I was determined to shoot in manual. I was determined to learn how it all worked because a) creative control! b) I HATE FLASH.
Then, one day a friend suggested that I buy a book titled Understanding Exposure. I ordered it on Amazon that day.
I’ve not shot in “automode” since reading that book. The way that the author breaks it all down was perfect for my delicate little brain. It may not be “the best” book out there about exposure and how it all works, but it’s definitely been the most helpful to ME.
Here’s an example:
Just before I left for NYC last April, I read the chapter on “panning.” I had never heard of panning, nor did I ever think I’d need to know how to take a panning shot.
The last night of our stay in NYC, we decided to take a late night walk to Times Square. As we were waiting for the light to change so we could cross the street, I noticed the taxi cabs racing by us. And then I thought. “speeding cabs, bright lights in the background. OMG PANNING!” And so I tried the technique that I had read about in Understanding Exposure.
This was the result:
Awesome, yes?
Yes.
I recently decided that I want to learn more and felt that another camera upgrade was in order. So, I sold my rebel and a lens that I loved very much. (Because it took shots like this) With that money, I was able to purchase a Canon 40d. I am more inspired than ever to learn more about photography. I want to see how far I can go with something that I may not be the best at, but love with a passion.
Now, because I love this book and because I love the people who are still reading my blawwg, I’d like to give away one copy of Understanding Exposure. I will purchase the book from Amazon and immediately ship to the winner. All you need to do is leave a comment on this post. That’s it. I would love if your comment included a link to your favorite picture, taken by YOU. Just for fun! I will close comments on this entry on Friday night (tomorrow) and announce the winner shortly after (no later than Monday morning, depending on how busy the weekend is.)
Comments are now closed. Thank you for the links to your photos. Will keep looking at them over the weekend.
xo