As a mother, sometimes you have to sacrifice things that you love for your children. Sometimes, it may be as simple as the delicious leftovers from your night out at your favorite restaurant. Sometimes, it may be as serious as giving up countless nights of sleep when you’re child is sick and you must sleep on their floor to make sure you are there if they have an asthma attack.
And sometimes, it’s giving up a date night with your husband AND a really great seat at a Laker game because you know this could be your sons last chance to see his sports hero, Kobe Bryant, play in a Laker uniform.
As a life long Laker fan and a Kobe Bryant fan (Kobe haters you can shutup now because I’m tired of hearing you talk already. Ok? Thanks!) it hurt. It really did. But, the smile that swept over his face when I told him that, with his big brother’s blessing (“I won’t be mad if Dad takes him, Mom. I know how much it would mean to him!), I was going to give him my ticket and let him take my place at the game melted away any disappointment that I felt about it.
I may never get a free ticket like that ever again, I may never get to see Kobe play as a Laker ever again. I may never get a damn night alone with my husband ever again. But I most certainly will always remember how tightly my son hugged me as I handed him the ticket and said “have fun, boy. And never forget how much your mama loves you.”
(And I promise never to let him forget because, damn! I wanted to go to that game.)
Proof that I love you.
Finally!
Before I announce the winner, I wanted to post the “Author’s Picks” for the drawing. I also included a few picks of my own. If I ever do this again, I’m just putting ALL of the names in a hat because choosing is hard and I feel all guilty inside that everyone couldn’t win and dudes, I’m so not cut out for these things because I’m more of a “French fries for EVERYONE!” type of girl.
That said.
Here we go.
Big (Potty) Mouth
A little background before I tell you about what happened yesterday while out shopping with The Toddler.
A few weeks ago, my daughter wanted to join me in the bathroom while I was taking a leak.
I happened to be on my period.
Without getting too graphic, Girlfriend saw the blood in the toilet and OHMYGOD! The questions!
“Why you bleeding mommy?”
“Does it hurt?”
“Why is there blood in there?”
“Do you need a bandage?”
I explained to her as best as you can explain a period to a 3 year old child.
“Sometimes, mommy bleeds when she pees, but it doesn’t hurt at all and I just put this hear little diaper on and it will stop in a couple of days.”
Fast forward to a stall in the Kohl’s restroom this afternoon after I was finished doing “my business.” (#1, in case you were wondering.)
“Mommy, would you like me to wipe your butt? Let me wipe your butt, ok sweetie?”
“No thank you, G. I can wipe my own butt!”
“Why I can’t wipe your butt? Huh? Oooohhhhh I know! Because you have blood? Do you have blood mommy?”
(Trying to distract her because there are people listening and haha, my daughter just asked if I had blood.)
“Hey! When we get home, do you want mommy to read you a story?”
“Mommy. Do you have blood in your pachina again, huh? Is your pachina all full of blood like that other day? I will get a diaper for your pachina, ok?!”
I can only hope she’ll be as enthusiastic about wiping my butt and getting a diaper for me when I’m 80 and she comes to visit me in The Home.
Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth”.
I’m thoroughly enjoying reading all of your “random facts.”
I’m also suffering from extreme guilt as I’m reading them because I know I can give the book to only one person.
And that just sucks.
That said, here’s how it’s going to go down. I’ve asked the authors, Kathy and Joelle, to read through the comments and each pick 5. I’m going to pick 5 as well. Then, I’m going to put those 15 names into a hat and draw a name.
I’ll leave the comments open until Monday morning and The Winner will be announced sometime on Tuesday.
This has been so much fun for me that I’m thinking of doing another giveaway very soon. And this one will be awesome, for it will be a basket of “Y’s Favorite Things.” Kind of like Oprah’s, except not really anything like it at all. First of all, Oprah can’t fit her things in a basket, because her favorite things are plasma tv’s and digital cameras. MY favorite things most certainly can (and will!) fit in a basket because my favorite things consist of things such as “fabric softener” and “fritos”.
I bet you can’t wait for that.
LOL@ My Contest Skills.
Remember when I told you that my blog was featured in a book? And that I was also the technical editor of that book?
Well…
I have an extra copy of the book and I’d like to give it away. If you’re looking to start a blog, or if you have a blog, but would like to learn how to do more with it, you really do want to have this book. (Hell, I learned things I’ve been trying to learn for years. It is awesome. I promise you.)
I have tried to come up with some kind of WILD AND KAH-RAAAAAZY contest, but here’s the thing: I suck and am the least creative person you will ever meet, SO! If you’d like to win a copy of the book all you have to do is leave a comment.
But! There’s a twist!
The comment has to be a random fact about YOU.
I’m not sure how I’ll pick the winner just yet, because I suck, but I’ll probably base it on the comment that makes me laugh the hardest, or cry the most tears, or quite possibly the one that makes me want to be a better person.
Bonus: I’ll throw in an autographed can of bean dip! (Signed on the lid! With a Sharpie!)
Comments are now closed. Winner will be announced soon!
Fun conversations in the (public) restroom
A little background before I tell you about what happened yesterday while out shopping with The Toddler.
A few weeks ago, my daughter wanted to join me in the bathroom while I was taking a leak.
I happened to be on my period.
Without getting too graphic, Girlfriend saw the blood in the toilet and OHMYGOD! The questions!
“Why you bleeding mommy?”
“Does it hurt?”
“Why is there blood in there?”
“Do you need a bandage?”
Now…
Fast forward to a stall in the Kohl’s restroom this afternoon after I was finished doing “my business.” (#1, in case you were wondering.)
“Mommy, would you like me to wipe your butt? Let me wipe your butt, ok sweetie?”
“No thank you, G. I can wipe my own butt!”
“Why I can’t wipe your butt? OH! Because you have blood? Do you have blood mommy?”
(Trying to distract her because there are people listening and this can only go to a “bad place.”)
“Hey! When we get home, do you want mommy to read you a story?”
“Mommy. Do you have blood in your pachina again, huh? Is your pachina all full of blood like that other day? I will get a diaper for your pachina, ok?!”
I can only hope she’ll be as enthusiastic about getting a diaper for me when I’m 80 and she comes to visit me in The Home.
I want you to just TRY and imagine how popular I was in high school.
Sometimes when I think back on my teenage years, when I think of the things that I wasn’t allowed to do, the things I was forced to do, I get angry and bitter and I cry. Other times, I just have to laugh.
When I look at this picture, I choose to laugh. Because it IS funny. (Is that a Sprush in your pocket? Ha! Ha! Haaaa!)
But then, I remember how it felt to be me at that age and I want to cry. I was 15 years old. While my friends were out enjoying their youth, I was being forced to cover my head and to dress like a 35 year old apostolic woman. I wasn’t allowed to do ANYTHING that most 15 year olds do. I was taught my role as a woman was to find a good husband, submit to him, have his children and make it my life work to raise them.
I wasn’t taught that I had other options. In fact, the other “options” were ungodly and would condemn me to an eternity in hell.
I like to say that I’ve moved on from my past. When people tell me that I’m bitter and that I need to grow up and move on, I point to my beautiful family and say “I have moved on.”
But have I really?
Obviously, not.
I can say that these thoughts no longer consume me. But I can’t say that what happened to me has no affect on me to this day.
I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling out of place, unable to relate to the world I live in. I lived a sheltered life in which I was not allowed to discover who I was or what I wanted to do with my life.
So, I married young, had a child at the age of 22 and continued to live a life that I was told was the one God had planned for me.
I never imagined a life in which I wasn’t going to church and serving the Lord, but somewhere along the way, the bitterness and anger consumed me and I no longer wanted anything to do with church or the things of God.
I’ve been missing church lately. Missing the peace that I would feel in my soul as I sat in the presence of God. But then, I think of The People. The Christians who made my life a living a hell and I can’t bring myself to go back.
I may still be holding on to bitterness from my past, but I do believe that I’ve tried to make the best out of my life with my husband and my children.
Maybe it’s not the life I would have chosen given a different upbringing, but it IS the life that I choose now.
What does YOUR dvd collection say about YOU?
How sad (or funny?) is it that the first thing I thought when I saw this collection of dvd’s in one of the boxes in the garage today that the FIRST THING I thought was this…
“Losers cry/buy workout dvd’s that they’re never going to use. $19.99 x 8= like $160.00 x however many other dvds you bought in hopes of losing that lard ass= a pretty sweet down payment on a house.”
You know what that means right?
That I AM A WINNER.
I did the math.
I kinda miss calling it The Weapon of Mass Fertilization.
I was going through old files on my computer tonight and I saw a Word document titled “VAS.” Unable to remember what the hell it was about, I opened it up and found this one little paragraph.
When I walked into the bathroom and saw the freshly cut pubes laying atop a piece of toilet paper in a perfect “mound” of curly goodness, I dry heaved for a minute or eight, and but then, I smiled. And that smile grew into a full blown laugh as I shouted “This is going to be the greatest thing to ever happen to us!”
Oh! “VAS” = Vasectomy!
Today was the one year anniversary of The Vasectomy!
I don’t know why I never went back and tried to write about the experience in detail because honestly? It was one of the most hilarious days of my entire life.
(And the days following it were pretty damn funny too. COOKAYS!)
I remember everything about that day, from the fresh mound of shaven pubes, to the look on his face as the nurse called his name. But the part that I remember the most– the absolute best part of that day– (and probably of my existence) is when my husband opened the door to the waiting room after having had his sac sliced open and stitched back up.
Every man in there looked up at him, waiting for some sort of signal that it wasn’t as bad as they were imagining it to be. I could see the fear in their eyes. It was as if they were aching to scream “HOW BAD DID IT HURT, DUDE?” but instead, they watched my freshly sterilized husband as he stood there attempting to walk without looking like a complete jackass.
He stood there for a minute, unsure of what to do with all of the eyeballs staring at his wounded (but clothed) balls. He finally began to walk towards us with a walk that conveyed much pain and suffering.
“DON’T DO IT!” he shouted to the men who were watching his every move. “SERIOUSLY, do not go in there!”
No one laughed.
And because that wasn’t embarrassing enough, he said “Just kidding. It wasn’t that bad, I always walk like this, I ride horses for a living.”
He was dead to me until we got to the parking lot because… dude that was awkward. But oh, how we laugh about it now.
In all seriousness, I am grateful that my husband was willing to go through the procedure so that we could resume a normal sex life after an unplanned pregnancy. I know he was scared and would have rather NOT had his balls sliced open, but he did.
Because he loves (to have sex with) me.
Awww.
