I’m thoroughly enjoying reading all of your “random facts.”
I’m also suffering from extreme guilt as I’m reading them because I know I can give the book to only one person.
And that just sucks.
That said, here’s how it’s going to go down. I’ve asked the authors, Kathy and Joelle, to read through the comments and each pick 5. I’m going to pick 5 as well. Then, I’m going to put those 15 names into a hat and draw a name.
I’ll leave the comments open until Monday morning and The Winner will be announced sometime on Tuesday.
This has been so much fun for me that I’m thinking of doing another giveaway very soon. And this one will be awesome, for it will be a basket of “Y’s Favorite Things.” Kind of like Oprah’s, except not really anything like it at all. First of all, Oprah can’t fit her things in a basket, because her favorite things are plasma tv’s and digital cameras. MY favorite things most certainly can (and will!) fit in a basket because my favorite things consist of things such as “fabric softener” and “fritos”.
I bet you can’t wait for that.
LOL@ My Contest Skills.
Remember when I told you that my blog was featured in a book? And that I was also the technical editor of that book?
Well…
I have an extra copy of the book and I’d like to give it away. If you’re looking to start a blog, or if you have a blog, but would like to learn how to do more with it, you really do want to have this book. (Hell, I learned things I’ve been trying to learn for years. It is awesome. I promise you.)
I have tried to come up with some kind of WILD AND KAH-RAAAAAZY contest, but here’s the thing: I suck and am the least creative person you will ever meet, SO! If you’d like to win a copy of the book all you have to do is leave a comment.
But! There’s a twist!
The comment has to be a random fact about YOU.
I’m not sure how I’ll pick the winner just yet, because I suck, but I’ll probably base it on the comment that makes me laugh the hardest, or cry the most tears, or quite possibly the one that makes me want to be a better person.
Bonus: I’ll throw in an autographed can of bean dip! (Signed on the lid! With a Sharpie!)
Comments are now closed. Winner will be announced soon!
Fun conversations in the (public) restroom
A little background before I tell you about what happened yesterday while out shopping with The Toddler.
A few weeks ago, my daughter wanted to join me in the bathroom while I was taking a leak.
I happened to be on my period.
Without getting too graphic, Girlfriend saw the blood in the toilet and OHMYGOD! The questions!
“Why you bleeding mommy?”
“Does it hurt?”
“Why is there blood in there?”
“Do you need a bandage?”
Now…
Fast forward to a stall in the Kohl’s restroom this afternoon after I was finished doing “my business.” (#1, in case you were wondering.)
“Mommy, would you like me to wipe your butt? Let me wipe your butt, ok sweetie?”
“No thank you, G. I can wipe my own butt!”
“Why I can’t wipe your butt? OH! Because you have blood? Do you have blood mommy?”
(Trying to distract her because there are people listening and this can only go to a “bad place.”)
“Hey! When we get home, do you want mommy to read you a story?”
“Mommy. Do you have blood in your pachina again, huh? Is your pachina all full of blood like that other day? I will get a diaper for your pachina, ok?!”
I can only hope she’ll be as enthusiastic about getting a diaper for me when I’m 80 and she comes to visit me in The Home.
I want you to just TRY and imagine how popular I was in high school.
Sometimes when I think back on my teenage years, when I think of the things that I wasn’t allowed to do, the things I was forced to do, I get angry and bitter and I cry. Other times, I just have to laugh.
When I look at this picture, I choose to laugh. Because it IS funny. (Is that a Sprush in your pocket? Ha! Ha! Haaaa!)
But then, I remember how it felt to be me at that age and I want to cry. I was 15 years old. While my friends were out enjoying their youth, I was being forced to cover my head and to dress like a 35 year old apostolic woman. I wasn’t allowed to do ANYTHING that most 15 year olds do. I was taught my role as a woman was to find a good husband, submit to him, have his children and make it my life work to raise them.
I wasn’t taught that I had other options. In fact, the other “options” were ungodly and would condemn me to an eternity in hell.
I like to say that I’ve moved on from my past. When people tell me that I’m bitter and that I need to grow up and move on, I point to my beautiful family and say “I have moved on.”
But have I really?
Obviously, not.
I can say that these thoughts no longer consume me. But I can’t say that what happened to me has no affect on me to this day.
I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling out of place, unable to relate to the world I live in. I lived a sheltered life in which I was not allowed to discover who I was or what I wanted to do with my life.
So, I married young, had a child at the age of 22 and continued to live a life that I was told was the one God had planned for me.
I never imagined a life in which I wasn’t going to church and serving the Lord, but somewhere along the way, the bitterness and anger consumed me and I no longer wanted anything to do with church or the things of God.
I’ve been missing church lately. Missing the peace that I would feel in my soul as I sat in the presence of God. But then, I think of The People. The Christians who made my life a living a hell and I can’t bring myself to go back.
I may still be holding on to bitterness from my past, but I do believe that I’ve tried to make the best out of my life with my husband and my children.
Maybe it’s not the life I would have chosen given a different upbringing, but it IS the life that I choose now.
What does YOUR dvd collection say about YOU?
How sad (or funny?) is it that the first thing I thought when I saw this collection of dvd’s in one of the boxes in the garage today that the FIRST THING I thought was this…
“Losers cry/buy workout dvd’s that they’re never going to use. $19.99 x 8= like $160.00 x however many other dvds you bought in hopes of losing that lard ass= a pretty sweet down payment on a house.”
You know what that means right?
That I AM A WINNER.
I did the math.
I kinda miss calling it The Weapon of Mass Fertilization.
I was going through old files on my computer tonight and I saw a Word document titled “VAS.” Unable to remember what the hell it was about, I opened it up and found this one little paragraph.
When I walked into the bathroom and saw the freshly cut pubes laying atop a piece of toilet paper in a perfect “mound” of curly goodness, I dry heaved for a minute or eight, and but then, I smiled. And that smile grew into a full blown laugh as I shouted “This is going to be the greatest thing to ever happen to us!”
Oh! “VAS” = Vasectomy!
Today was the one year anniversary of The Vasectomy!
I don’t know why I never went back and tried to write about the experience in detail because honestly? It was one of the most hilarious days of my entire life.
(And the days following it were pretty damn funny too. COOKAYS!)
I remember everything about that day, from the fresh mound of shaven pubes, to the look on his face as the nurse called his name. But the part that I remember the most– the absolute best part of that day– (and probably of my existence) is when my husband opened the door to the waiting room after having had his sac sliced open and stitched back up.
Every man in there looked up at him, waiting for some sort of signal that it wasn’t as bad as they were imagining it to be. I could see the fear in their eyes. It was as if they were aching to scream “HOW BAD DID IT HURT, DUDE?” but instead, they watched my freshly sterilized husband as he stood there attempting to walk without looking like a complete jackass.
He stood there for a minute, unsure of what to do with all of the eyeballs staring at his wounded (but clothed) balls. He finally began to walk towards us with a walk that conveyed much pain and suffering.
“DON’T DO IT!” he shouted to the men who were watching his every move. “SERIOUSLY, do not go in there!”
No one laughed.
And because that wasn’t embarrassing enough, he said “Just kidding. It wasn’t that bad, I always walk like this, I ride horses for a living.”
He was dead to me until we got to the parking lot because… dude that was awkward. But oh, how we laugh about it now.
In all seriousness, I am grateful that my husband was willing to go through the procedure so that we could resume a normal sex life after an unplanned pregnancy. I know he was scared and would have rather NOT had his balls sliced open, but he did.
Because he loves (to have sex with) me.
Awww.
No need to worry! We’re not on fire! (Yet…)
The fires are all around us, but not close enough to cause any concern. The only concern is the air quality. It’s smoky and ashy. That worries me because of my daughters history of asthma attacks. She’s already displaying some early symptoms that an attack may be looming around the corner, but I’m not going to stress about something that may not happen.
I’ve been watching the NON STOP coverage on the news and my heart breaks people who have been affected by these horrific fires. I worry about the firefighters risking their lives to save the lives (and property) of others. I worry about the animals, the elderly, the people who have no one to turn to for help. It’s a horrible situation and I feel incredibly grateful that my family is safe.
Like, did you know that I have famous friends and stuff?
A few months ago, two very good friends of mine–Joelle and Kathy— shared some exciting news with me.
They were writing a book.
I was so thrilled for them for a thousand reasons– mostly because I love them dearly.
Kathy was the first person to design my first blog and Joelle designed my current blog. Their work is truly outstanding because they are unique (stop copying them, FUCKERS).
Imagine how (beyond) thrilled I was when they asked me (ME!) to be the technical editor of their book.
And imagine how I fuh-freeeaking thrilled I was when they included my blog in their book. (And also? I got a special “thank you” at the beginning of their book. And YES, it made me cry.)
I love them both and couldn’t be more proud of this book and not because I had a small part in it, but because these two women have been long overdue for this kind of recognition.
Now, what are you waiting for? Go buy their book already.
Whoops! That was rude. What I meant to say was “Won’t you please go buy their book already?”
Where The “Magic” Will Happen.
Yesterday I woke up to this…
Today, I’ll be falling asleep to this…
Obviously, it’s not finished yet, but… HELLO new bedroom furniture!
“It’s about to get all stupid up in here.”
Back in May, my husband was involved in a car accident when a dumbass woman who wasn’t paying attention pulled out in front of him as he was going 45 down a main street.
What happened after that accident was kind of a nightmare.
The cops didn’t get her insurance information because she was taken away from the accident by ambulance.
A few days after the accident, my husband asked for a police officer to escort him to the woman’s house so he could exchange insurance information with her at that time. No one answered the door, so we assumed she was still in the hospital. He left a note at the door with our phone number.
In the mean time, we were paying for a car rental out of our pocket because we didn’t have car rental coverage on our insurance and we didn’t have her insurance information.
A week later, my husband stopped by her house again to try to exchange information with her. Yet again, no one answered the door. He left another note at the door.
He stopped by again the 3rd week and the housekeeper answered the door. She informed my husband that The Woman was not home—she was at a car dealership looking for a new car.
Our insurance eventually deemed our vehicle a total loss and gave us a settlement so that we could get on with our lives.
The police report came back after ALMOST AN ENTIRE MONTH and clearly stated that the other driver was responsible for failing to stop before pulling out into on coming traffic.
As soon as our insurance got that report, they began sending field agents to her house to try to get her insurance information.
Each and every one of their attempts were unsuccessful. They finally decided to file our claim under “uninsured motorist” when someone at her house told a field agent from our insurance company that she was going to be “out of the state indefinitely.”
By that time, we were out $800 in car rental bills. A bill that never would have occurred had that woman followed THE LAW and had her vehicle insured.
We were all set to take her to small claims court to recoup the cost of our rental bills when out of the blue I got a phone call that went a little something like this.
RING RING.
Me: Hello?
Some Dude: Hi, is Mr.Pig Hunter available?
Me: No he’s not. Who’s calling?
Some Dude: This is Some Dude calling from Some Insurance company and my client was involved in an automobile accident with Mr.PigHunter back in May and I would like to get a statement from Mr.PigHunter.
Me: Shut the fuck up.
Some Dude: Excuse me?
Me: You can’t be serious? That accident happened in May and it’s now the end of September. Why are you just calling us now? Do you know how much stress we have gone through because your client was avoiding us and would not provide her insurance information? Why is she JUST NOW REPORTING THIS?
Some Dude: Ma’am, I need to speak with Mr.Pig Hunter about this.
Me: Oh, you can talk to Mr. Pig Hunter’s lawyer about this. And you can also expect to get a bill for $800 in car rental bills.
CLICK.
Now, fast forward to Saturday when Tony gets our mail and finds a letter from the other drivers insurance company.
“We’re sorry to inform you that we can only reimburse you for 2 weeks of rental bills at $140 per week. Too bad, so sad.”
I felt my face get hot when I read that letter.
HELLO ASSHOLE, your client didn’t report the accident to you until FOUR MONTHS LATER. Our insurance was waiting for her information (and the police report) so we had no choice but to rent until our insurance decided to proceed with the claim as an “uninsured motorist” so what exactly were we supposed to do for those few weeks while we were waiting for some kind of a settlement?
How is this right? Or fair? And why are we being punished because THEIR client didn’t report the accident for four months?
This can’t be right and if they refuse to pay it, bitch is going to be GETTING SERVED very soon because I refuse to get stuck paying $500 for a rental car for something that was not our fault.
In completely unrelated news that does not make me want to knock peoples teeth out but does make me go “WTF?” and cry a little—why did my once very straight hair suddenly get all Ceraazy-curly?
I do not understand how this happened. Nor do I know how to fix it.
I’m thinking it’s time to chop it all off.