The update that no one has really been waiting for. HA.

I haven’t been writing much these days and apparently, people are starting to notice.
Life has been a little crazy around here with the sick kids, the guitar lessons, the drum lessons, the Holidays, the basketball practices, the looking for job because we are going to have to move, except SCRATCH THAT because we just found out that the Landlord has changed his mind and “isn’t going to sell the house”. (Translation: The Realtor decided not to buy it. Maybe I didn’t have enough pretty candles burning when she came to look at it, because it certainly couldn’t have been the cabinets that made her not want to buy this lovely house!) We have waited for a month for him to tell us what was going on and if he was selling it and when we needed to be out of here.
He plans to put it up for sale again in a year. We agreed to stay so that we can have time to get things in order (get new jobs, save, pay bills off) so we can be in a better place financially and maybe even buy this place when they put it up for sale again. We promised them we’d not move so they don’t have to worry about the house sitting.
I’m still convinced that the whole “We’re selling the house, would you like to buy it?” was their way of letting us know that they were NOT going to fix the cabinets. (Because, the week before he showed up unannounced to offer to sell us the house, he called to raise our rent and he said “don’t worry, we’re not selling it! We’re just raising the rent!) But, whatever. It’s their house, they can do what they want. Maybe we will be in a position to buy this house in a year and then, I can rip those fuckers out and we can have a kitchen that doesn’t make us cry.
Anyway.
I do want to get into the habit of writing on a regular basis again now that things have gone back to (semi) normal around here. I know you’re so happy to hear me say that because you’ve missed my regular updates so bad that it hurts a little on the inside.
Admit it.**

**For those of you who lack A Sense of Humor, I was joking. (But seriously, it hurt a little, didn’t it?)

Pupp-ay!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh shit. You probably have a headache because of that nasty hangover . I’ll try to keep it down.
I? Do not have a hangover as this is the second, or quite possibly even the third, New Years Eve that we spent at home not drinking liquor and also falling asleep way before the clock struck midnight.
Because we are old and boring and no one wants to invite us to their New Years Eve parties anymore.
But we don’t care! We love having nothing to do on New Years Eve. Gives us a chance to fight about stupid things like plugged up toilets and fruit! And honestly? I love spending it here at home with the kids– knowing that everyone is safe, cozy and warm (even if they are unable to eat fruit and/or take a dump in the hall bathroom because SOMEONE REFUSES TO GET THE PLUNGER AND UNPLUG THE DAMN TOILET.)
The new year has brought us a new little someone to love.
Introducing...
That right there is the newest member of our family.
Lucky him, man. Lucky him.
His name is Bandit. Ethan named him that. When we asked him why he chose that name, he responded with the following answer.
“I named him Bandit because the minute I saw him, he stole my heart.”
Ah, The Cheese&trade, it runs in The Family.
It’s been incredibly fun to watch Ethan with his new lil’ friend. Or should I say “son”? Because Ethan calls himself “Bandit’s daddy.”
He even made up a cute little song about the two of them.
“I love you. You love me. We’re a happy Son and Daddy.”
(He kills me, people. KILLS.)
Thanks to Ma’People, I now have a buttload of new workout songs in my Generic mp3 player. The suggestions were so great, THANK YOU. I have to admit that I love the songs so much that my mouth freaking WATERS when I think about them.
I still have quite a few songs to add, but since you were kind enough to take the time to leave suggestions, I figured I would post the list of Totally Awesome Workout Songs that are now loaded and ready to be used.
Tomorrow. (No. Seriously. Tomorrow.)

Continue reading →

OVERREACTOR!!!11!

First of all, I wanted to say thank you all for the comments and emails of concern for my daughter. They meant a great deal to us.
Things are looking better for Gabby now that she’s being treated for asthma. On Sunday, we had to take her to urgent care because she was having difficulty breathing again. Her oxygen saturation was at 94, so they gave her a breathing treatment.
The doctor who saw her in urgent care told us that her lungs were cleared up and that now the problem is asthma.
Gabby had RSV when she was 4 months old and our pediatrician told us that asthma could be a problem for Gabby down the road. The doctor that was saw on Sunday told us that 30% of babies who have RSV do go on to have asthma. Doctor said there’s still a chance she will outgrow it and we’re hoping that she does.
Asthma scares the shit out of me, people. Watching your child struggle to breathe is pretty fucking scary. I had a long conversation with the doctor and I do understand that it can be managed with proper medication. I need to educate myself on the disease so that I’m not so terrified of it.
Currently, they have her on a 5 day treatment of oral steriods (Predisolone.) She’s also taking albuterol and Qvar (she’ll be on that until the end of February.)
In the past 3 and a half weeks, we’ve spent over $300 on copays and prescriptions (our co-pays for both are only $10, I can not tell you how grateful I am for our health insurance. SO FUCKING GRATEFUL.) I’ve been to the doctors office more times than I can count (the boys have been sick too) and I’ve stood for hours in long ass lines with germy, sick people who do not think they need to cover their disgusting mouths when they cough. I’ve not slept in my bed for a week, but on the couch, with a sickly little girl sprawled across my chest. I’ve administered more medication than I think I’ve taken in my entire life.
But I’ll tell you what I have NOT done.
I have not bought a single Christmas present. I have not bought Christmas cards, nor have I taken holiday pictures of my children, I have not baked, decorated or acknowledged that Christmas is NEXT MONDAY in any way, shape or form.
PigHunter did take the boys on Friday to get a tree. I had swore that I would never let him go shopping for a tree without me ever again, but I had to stay home with Gabby. He let the boys pick the tree out and I must say, it is probably the most perfect tree we’ve ever had, which is hilarious because this is the first year that no one but us will actually see the tree. I let the boys decorate it however they wanted to. I did not have the energy to care about little things like “properly spaced ornaments”.
I always wait til the last minute to do my shopping and such, but I didn’t count on the three (THREE!) children of mine being sick and me being unable to get out of this house except for doctors appointments.
I thought about going shopping today, because today is the first day that Gabby has not cried all morning long and the first day that she’s been breathing normally, but, I’m now afraid to take my daughter out amongst the general public until she’s had her flu shot because the doctor made it very clear to me that she MUST GET HER FLU SHOT AS SOON AS SHE’S FEELING BETTER. Apparently, it would be “very bad” for her to get the flu right now.
I suppose I’ll wait til Tony comes home from work and brave the crowds and cold and start (I’m just starting. STARTING!) my Christmas shopping tonight.
I’m currently baking apple streudel for Ethan’s class. He informed me at 9 last night that “oops, I forgot to tell you have to bake something for my class and it has to be something from Germany.”
I’m not sure that apple streudel is from Germany, nor do I know if I’m spelling “streudel” correctly, but I do know that my grandmother makes it and she is from Germany and you know what? I’m worn THE HELL OUT, so that’s good enough for me.

Waiting. Worrying. Writing.


Last night we had to call 911 because my daughter could not stop coughing. She coughed to the point of throwing up and to the point of her lips turning blue.Big brothers rule. (Ethan, trying to cheer her up.)
While they were here, taking her vitals and doing what they needed to do, one of the fireman gave her an adorable little stuffed animal.
Her eyes immediately lit up and she said in her weak little voice “Thank you, fireman.”
She loves that dog and has clung to it all day long.
Tonight, she took another turn for the worse, burning a high fever and extremely lathargic. I’m usually the parent who freaks out and thinks the worse and I can always count on PigHunter to calm me down. Not tonight. Tonight, he’s the one that said “She’s bad, I’m taking her to urgent care. He just left a few minutes ago and I’m sitting here typing furiously, trying to calm myself down.
Perhaps it’s just the flu, or some virus that will pass quickly! But, it’s her history with RSV and lung problems that has me worried.
I’ve had less than 8 hours of sleep over the past 3 days, but I don’t mind because I signed up for this when I chose to bring these little human beings into this world.
I just want to know that my little girl is going to be ok, and I want her to get better already.
Ok, and maybe, just maybe, I’d like to get a little sleep, even if it is with a coughing little girl laying on my chest.
love love love her.
Update
They’re treating her for pneumonia, which is so funny (not) because the doctor who saw her this morning actually shrugged his shoulders (literally, shrugged them!) and said he had NO IDEA what was wrong with her, prescribed her some cough medicine and walked out of the room.
That’s what happens when you have an HMO and your doctor is “out for the day.”

This is kind of like the time he knocked on our door at 6am on the Sunday morning after our wedding “just to bring us donuts” and totally NOT to make sure we were awake and getting ready for church.

Messages from my father.
Last night my parents watched the kids at our house while we went out with some friends. I woke up this morning with a bit of a hangover and found some NOT so subliminal messages from Pastor Dad.
I wonder if it was really a “mistake” that he “accidently” used “permenant” marker instead of the dry erase marker?
I love my dad

OMG! DUCKS!

Inspired by my artistic rendition of a duck, I decided to take Gabby to the park to feed the ducks.

One thing you need to know is  I am the type of person who afraid of breaking rules (because I do not want to rot in jail, nor do I want to burn in hell.) I tell you this because there are signs that kindly ask you NOT to feed the ducks, listing such reasons as “feeding the ducks will make them lazy!”  After seeing that there were Do Not Feed The Ducks! signs, I became a little bit fearful of getting in trouble, so as we were walking to the pond I  hid the baggie which contained 2 pieces of bread on the inside of my shirt. I’m not sure who exactly what or who I was afraid of– they do not have guards watching over the pond. But you just never know. It’s entirely possible that there there are people posing as “private citizens” moseying near the pond, waiting to catch the duck feeding rule breakers!

We arrived at the pond without having been caught with our bag o’bread, and I continued to pretend as if we were only there to observe the pretty ducks and not to feed them. I looked around to make sure there weren’t any men in city uniforms around before I carefully took the bag of bread out from underneath my shirt.

Once I had determined the coast was clear, I reached inside of my shirt, whipped out the bread and starting rolling them into little balls so that Gabby could throw them to the ducks.
She threw her first little bread ball and 2 of the ducks who were close by swam up to eat the bread. Gabby went crazy, she started jumping up and down and squealing. “Duckies eat bread, mama! Duckies eating!” I don’t feed the ducks often, so I forgot that when you feed them, they get all loud and start communicating with the other ducks. The two ducks closest to us were all “quack, quack! The Humans have brought bread, come and get it while it’s fresh!” Within a matter of seconds, two  ducks turned into ten ducks. Then, ten ducks turned into what seemed like hundreds of ducks. They were all quacking in what I  perceived to be a very aggressive manner.

I was trying to remain calm, because, seriously, they’re just ducks! However, I was a little terrified on the inside because I wasn’t supposed to be feeding them and there they were, making it TOTALLY OBVIOUS that we were feeding them. Someone really needs to talk to the ducks about that. If they would like The Humans to continue to feed them illegally, they really need to learn how to keep it on the down low.

Stupid ducks.

At one point, one of the ducks got tired of fighting for the bread and just jumped out of the water, unto the sidewalk and right up to me and Gabby. “WHOA, there, little buddy! Get back into the water please.” (I actually said that. Out loud. And I meant it.) I had never seen a duck do that before and it kinda freaked me out. Do the ducks not fear The Humans? Apparently, they do not. All of a sudden, one by one, the ducks started hoping out of the water and walking right up to me and Gabby. The scary thing was (haha, I said “scary” while speaking of “ducks”) that they were looking right at the bag in my hand as they were walking directly towards me. I swear I heard one of them say “You better have enough for all of us, bitch!”

I jumped up, grabbed my daughter and um, kind of started to run away, but in that way where one is trying to play it off as if they’re not terrified of getting killed by a gang of ducks. You know what I mean? I was trying to be all “Ok! We’re leaving because we are totally done feeding the ducks! No, seriously! We’re not afraid of the ducks at all! How lame would that be? HAHA!” Apparently, I am a bad at pretending not to be scared  because two girls who were close by started laughing  and one of them was all “Look! That girl is afraid of the ducks!”

There was nothing I could do at that point, except to turn around and admit my fear to the women who were so openly mocking me. “Did you see that? I got so scared, all of those ducks coming at me, I was afraid they were going to bite my daughter.”

(Think of The Children! THE CHILLLLDREEENNNN.)

I was pretty shook up as we walked away from the pond. I realize how stupid that must sound, since I am talking about DUCKS. Not alligators. Not Tigers. DUCKS!! But, I had no idea ducks were so aggressive and unafraid of humans. I so did not expect them to hop out of the water and get all up in my grill like that.

Effing ducks, man.

16

Sixteen years ago, on this very day, I was getting ready for the biggest day in my life. It was the day in which I would place The Biggest Veil Ever Known to Mankind upon my head and marry the man whom I loved.
(To boink.)
(But mostly just loved.)
(To boink.)

16 years ago on this very day was “My Wedding Day”. Also knows as “The Day of Big“.
Big Veil, Big Cake, Big Glasses , Big Bows, Big Puffy Sleeves, Big Bangs.
(Also? Big Hickies in the Big Limo on the way to the Big, Boring Reception that had NO liquor nor any dancing but! It sure did have a Big Punch Bowl with lots of alcohol free fruit punch!)
Here’s what I wrote on our 13th anniversary.

I will never forget that day, 13 years ago. I was a hot, 19 year Germican beauty with a tight body. Tony was a thin, 25 year old mexican with a head full of hair.
And we were both madly in love.
I remember it was a beautiful day.
I remember Tony’s grandmothers lobsided boobs. I remember my dad’s 3 hour sermon and rolling my eyes every 3 minutes because I wanted him to STOP ALREADY. I remember when we sang to each other, I remember the screaming baby in the background. I remember yelling at the photographer to stop taking pictures already because we needed to get to the reception and telling everyone “DON’T LISTEN TO HIM ANYMORE, JUST LEAVE, WE NEED TO LEAVE!” I remember making out to the Righteous Brothers in the back of the limo that my long lost Godfather rented for us out of guilt for not being there for me as I was growing up. I remember showing up to the reception with hickies all over my neck. I remember our boring ass reception because we weren’t allowed to have a dance, because it was against my fathers religion and I was still too scared to stand up to him. I remember the ride home, people honking at us, while I leaned out the window screaming “WOO HOO, we’re married!!!!!”, I remember getting home and NOT having sex because I was on my period and you were sick as a dog.
I also remember making up for not having sex that night by having sex 4 times a day, everyday for the next 3 months. I remember you not being able to put on your pants for work because of “rawness” to a certain area on your body.
Tony, I remember it all.

I still remember it all. Just as if it happened yesterday. And it still makes me smile. (Well, except the part about not having a dance at our reception because of my dad. That still makes me a little mad. But I’ll get over it someday.)
I recently found a box of our invitations. I do remember when I picked them out that I truly believed they were the most romantic wedding invitations to have ever been printed, but looking at them 16 years later, I have to say, they weren’t romantic at all, they were just very “Christian Bookstore”.
“Companions in laughter, friends in tears, today we shall marry and share our love forever.”
That was the saying (puke) that I had printed (puke) on the inside (puke) of our invitations (puke.) If I could have seen into our future when I had picked out our invitations, the saying would have went a little something like this:
I pee with the door open, your farts smell just like my grandpa’s farts, and yet, we love each other enough to do actually go through with this. I hope we still want to have sex with each other 16 years from now.
The good news is that we still do want to have sex with each other because we still do love each other very much, even if I do want to punch him in the neck for trying to use “big words” when we argue and even if he does have to refrain from tripping me on purpose because of the continous eye rolling.
(The romance, it’s just oozing from my fingers to the keyboard, is it NOT? One should never try writing an “anniversary post” while “pre-raggin’ it.” God.)
We don’t have any plans for “our big day” as he’s working late and I have cramps, but maybe tomorrow, we’ll finally go see “Borat” and maybe, if I’m lucky, we’ll have dinner somewhere fancy.
(Mmmmmmm buffalo chicken salad.)
I’m saving the lovey dovey stuff for the card that I shall give him later on tonight, but I did want to say “Happy Anniversary, My Sweet PigHunter. Thank you for falling in love with my underage ass, because were it not for you, I’d not have 3 of the most beautiful children to have ever walked the face of this earth. I love you.”