Last week while in NYC, I was scheduled to do a boudoir photo shoot.
I had to go buy a couple of new, sexy lingerie because I haven’t bought lingerie since 2000.
I searched everywhere for something that would a) hold my boobs up b) hide my belly (button) c) hold my boobs up d) hold my boobs up.
After days of searching, I finally found a couple of nighties that both held my boobs up and also hid my stomach. Attached to each nightie was a tiny little thong. Confession: I do not wear thongs. This is important to know.
Flash forward to the day of the shoot. I am in Laura’s bathroom, changing into my nightie. Keep in mind, I’ve not put on lingerie for my husband in YEARS. I was nervous as hell about letting someone see me wearing something so…revealing? I took the tags off and put the nightie on first. Then, I took a deep breath and prepared to slip The Thong on.
That is when I noticed the tags.
And that is when my heart dropped into my vaginal area because OH HELL NO I WILL NOT.
You see, the tags were in the part that I believed to be “the front.” You know, the part that covers your pachina.
I proceeded to put the thong on with the tags in the back. Meaning, THE STRING PART WAS UP ALL UP IN MY FRONT.
I stood there and stared at in the the mirror in horror.
“This is pornographic! I can not go out there like this.” I said to myself, full on outraged with what my eyes were looking at.
I tried placing the thong so that it covered, uh, “things” just right. I turned around so I could see what it looked like in the back. “Well, that looks kind of cute!” I thought to myself. BUT THE FRONT! I CAN’T GO OUT THERE WITH THE FRONT ALL EXPOSED LIKE THAT. I tried to figure out a way to keep the string in just the right place. It wasn’t working so well because any little movement and WHOOPS, THERE GOES THE STRING THING.
I called to Laura and asked her for scissors. She said she had some, but I think she got distracted and forgot so I took the thong off and started trying to tear the tags off. I was pulling so hard, but those mofos would not come off. I was kind of panicking, and wanted to cry! I managed to finally get the tags off and then proceeded to put my thong on in what I perceived to be “backwards.”
The entire experience left me some what traumatized and so I just had to bring it up to Laura.
“Apparently. these are the thongs that you wear with the string part in the front.” I said, all seriously, because in my mind “tags go in the back. always. I continued. “I don’t even care, though. I ripped the tags off and put them on backwards.”
Laura just looked at me, smiled but didn’t say a word.
After the photo shoot, I met with Lindsay and Lena for lunch. I was telling them all about my shoot. Of course, I had to bring up The Thong.
“Apparently, I bought one of those thongs that you were the strip part in the front, but I ripped the tags out and wore them backwards because I DON’T EVEN CARE.”
Lena looked at me with that “aww, poor sweetie” face that people have to make at me a lot because sometimes I don’t know how things work.
“Yvonne.” She said, gently. “The tags go in the front because they don’t fit in the back. You weren’t SUPPOSED to wear them with string in the front.”
I was mortified. Suddenly the look that Laura had given me made sense. She KNEW about the tags! She knew that I wasn’t wearing them backwards but the way they were intended to be worn, but she didn’t say anything probably because she felt so bad for me. Like, how could this woman not know?
HAHHAHHAHAHA I ALMOST WORE THEM WITH THE STRING IN THE FRONT BECAUSE THE TAGS WERE IN THE FRONT WHICH NATURALLY MEANT THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO WEAR THEM WITH THE STRING IN THE FRONT AND OH HOLY HELL THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWKWARD.