STEVE NASH IS UGLY.
RAJA BELL IS A CRYBABY
And that is as mature and as intelligent as it’s going to get around here about the game.

There’s no delicate or pretty way of saying this, and yes, I realize there’s the option of NOT saying it at all, but, why should I only write about The Goodness of my Vagina?
Apparently, I’ve got a yeast infection. I was going to say that I am about 2 hours away from popping a loaf of bread out from down there, but that would just be gross, so I’ll refrain from actually saying it.
I was rather irritated (HA! HA!) by this sudden turn of events in my crotch, so, I decided to investigate what could have triggered the sudden onset of the yeast infection and came across The Greatest Yeast Infection Explanation Site in History. An informative, yet HILARIOUS site about yeasty crotches. BOOKMARKED!
Anyone still reading? Because now I get to the reason I actually felt I needed to write about my yeast infection.
I went to Target to get some medication for my condition. I found “the aisle” for vagina related medications and was SO HAPPY to see that they had “generic” brand medication for yeast infection. And it was $4 cheaper! SCORE! However, after I picked up the box, I was MORTIFIED at what I saw. Unlike the Monistat 7 box, which discreetly says “for yeast infections” or some crap like that, the box for the people who can’t afford the “named brand” shit because they are living on one very modest income had these words in NOT SO SMALL letters sprawled across the front of the box….
NITRAL VAGINAL CREAM
VAGINA ANTIFUNGAL
Oh HELL NAW.
I panicked because, while I really wanted to save four dollars, did I REALLY want the checker to know that I was currently sporting vaginal fungus?
I DID NOT.
But, damn. Four dollars is a trip to Chick Fil A, people.
So, I swallowed my pride and tried to pretend as if I didn’t care about the VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL statement on the big blue box and threw that bitch on the conveyer belt.
I considered starting a conversation with the man in which I would casually lie and say “I’m just doing some shopping for my mom, because, she’s ‘sick’. down there. Hence the VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL cream” and how “haha! you probably thought that was for me, huh?”
I was THAT embarassed. And trust me, people, it takes a LOT to embarass me.
That’s just wrong. Do the makers of the generic brand think people who can’t afford the name brand VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL have no dignity? Seriously, folks, that in the wise words of Whitney Houston, “That shit aint right.”
(I wonder if anyone actually read through to the end of this post. And if so… WHY IN THE HELL?)
UPDATED TO TELL YOU OF FURTHER EMBARASSMENT
I have the box of ANTI VAGINAL FUNGUS cream next to my computer and my son just walked in from school, picked it up and said “HEY! What’s this mom?”
Me: Ummmm…(as I watched him read the words on the box. THE WORDS!)
Him: *reading* v-a-g-i-n-a-l-f-u-n-g-u-s…
Me: Ummmmmmm… it’s for ummmmmmm, an infection mom has.
Him: *placing the box down in a very quick manner* ah, oh.
I think he’s going to go throw up now.

I just ate meatloaf for dinner and I LIKED IT.
As a matter of fact, this is the second time this week I’ve had meatloaf for dinner.
I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that I am officially obsessed with meatloaf. Which, is funny, because as a kid? I hated meatloaf.
Infact, when my mom would make it known that meatloaf would be had for dinner, I would throw a tantrum.
“I hate meatloaf! Meatloaf is gross! I WILL NOT EAT MEEEAAAAATTLLLLOOAAAAFFFFFF!”
I think my aversion to meatloaf started when I saw my mom putting ketchup in the meat.
Ketchup? In the meat? Meat that will soon be in LOAF FORM?
Ah hells no. I seriously became disgusted at the mere mention of “meatloaf.”
“OMG! Not meatloaf! There is ketchup! In the meat! And? It’s a loaf! Barf!”
However, in my mission to find “quick and easy meals” to make for the family, I came across a recipe for meatloaf. And by “recipe”, I mean a “packet of seasoning” that said “mix this here packet with water and egg and HA! MEATLOAF IN ONE HOUR!”
No ketchup? SERIOUSLY? And all I have to do is mix an egg and water?
I was all over that loaf, man.
Not only was it done in an hour, but it tasted great. And the kids loved it. AND THE TONY LOVED IT!
But most importantly, I, the hater of meat in loaf form, loved it.
The kids aren’t too happy about it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they love The Loaf, but they’re like “MEATLOAF? AGAIN? I will not eat meatloaf TWICE IN ONE WEEK!”
Obviously, they don’t understand meat loaf addiction. Judgemental jerks! I promised them we’d not have it again for AT LEAST another week, but as I sit here inhaling the smell of meatloaf lingering in the air, I’m afraid that’s a promise I can’t keep.

Today I will sit in The Dentists Chair for the first time in three years.
Three years.
I used to go twice a year, every year for check ups and cleanings. Then, we had to switch to a crappy insurance in which we had to pick from a list of crappy dentists and since I was no longer able to see the dentist I had grown to love because she was gentle and never hurt me, I boycotted dentists all together.
I’ve thought everything was fine and that I’d get away with this behavior. Until about a week ago, when my tooth started aching and OH MY GOD I saw a cavity.
To say that I am terrified would be putting it mildly. I can not stand the dentist that we’ve “picked” from the List of Crappy Dentists. I’ve taken the boys for x-rays and he’s unfriendly and has perfect hair that doesn’t move when he walks because good GOD, the hairspray.
I don’t trust people with hair that perfect. They scare me.
I’m scared to death that he’s going to say “Sorry, you waited too long and we’re going to have to pull it.”
I DO NOT WANT GAPING HOLES IN MY MOUTH.
I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with dental work. (Like, the one time, the tooth that I had a root canal on become infected and the entire roof of my mouth was ONE BIG SACK OF PUS and had to be sliced with a blade and SUCTIONED OUT.) The combination of bad genetics (my mom had dentures by the time she was in her twenties) and the lack of dental work until I was 18 (My parents didn’t have insurance, so I didn’t have work done on my teeth until after I got my first real job with dental insurance.) is to blame for all the work I’ve had to have done on my teeth in my adult life.
I have Teeth Issues.
I secretly hate people with perfect teeth. I live in fear everyday that my teeth are just going to start falling out. Especially since I had work done on the top, front teeth, which are now “vaneers”. I won’t eat corn on the cob, and just recently gave up almonds because, you know, I don’t want to crack a tooth and lose it.
(Which reminds me of the time we were at a “Country” bar and we were eating chips and salsa and my tooth BROKE IN HALF when I bit into a corn chip and I freaked the hell out and ran into the bathroom to look in the mirror and HAHAHA! In my panic, I had accidently ran into the men’s bathroom and man, dude with His Thang out didn’t think it was very funny.)
I’m also freaking out about the fact that this dentist is a man. I’m not sure I want Man Hands all up in my mouth. You know what I’m sayin’?
I could go on and on and on about how scared I am right now and how OMG! What if I come home missing a tooth?
Freaking, over here.
Seriously
Gum Massacre Update
Dr.Ken Doll DDS (Thank you for that, Nat.) is more evil than I had imagined in my mind. You see, I went in to get the tooth that is hurting me fixed, but he decided that I needed to have my GUMS SCRAPED TO SHREDS instead, because, you know, I’ve been a bad girl and not had my teeth cleaned in over three years.
I almost passed out when he put his hand down for a second and his gloves were DRIPPING WITH BLOOD. At one point, I seriously considered grabbing his head and messing his hair up just to MAKE HIM STOP. But, instead, I closed my eyes and cried a little on the inside
My gums are currently throbbing, But! The good news is that there will be no removing of any teeth. I do need three crowns, (which, the horribly bitchy receptionist informed me will cost $300 a piece and “we don’t do payment plans, bitches”. so, um, that’s not going to happen) But, hey! There are no gaping holes in my mouth!

Yesterday, my husband told me that we have a gopher in the backyard.
I freaked out.
“A GOPHER? What the? Where did it come from? HOW? WHY? AAAAAAHHHH.”
He couldn’t believe how upset I got over a gopher, so he came to the most LOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR MY REACTION EVER!
“Babe, I think you have it confused with a beaver.”
Right, because, surely I couldn’t be upset about a gopher and must have thought he meant the creature with large front teeth, who eats tree bark and BUILDS DAMS!!
And I don’t want no beavers to be buildin’ no dams in my backyard!
I shouldn’t be surprised at his “beaver” comment, the man has a history of saying things that make me go “…THE HELL?”
Like, the time that I was very sick and started crying about how much pain I was in and he pointed his finger at me, got in my face and yelled “I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF OF THE DIET COKE, WOMAN.”
Huh?
Most of the time, his totally random, completely bizarre comments make me laugh hysterically, but when I’m “pre-raggin’ it” I want to tape his mouth shut with a maxipad.