Because "resort" makes me feel all wealthy inside

I’m irritated as hell right now. I thought I had taken some really great pictures of our weekend in Palm Springs, but now that I’m editing them, I’m realizing that they’re terrible! And that pisses me off. So does the fact that there isn’t ONE picture of me with my kids. Nor are there any of Gabby in her pretty little Thanksgiving dress. Dammit.  Here are the few that I did get.


Ethan is The Coolest Kid and it shows in just about every picture he takes

The entrance to the “resort” we stayed at.

The view from the front entrance of the “resort” condo

My boys showing off the view from the patio of our “resort” condo

Gabby getting a bath in the sink of the “resort” condo because SOMEONE (Hint… “Someone” has a tissue shoved up his nose right now) forgot to pack her bathtub

And yes, she HATED IT

It is a fact that my boys can’t walk by an object without feeling the need to CLIMB ON IT and JUMP OFF OF IT

Did I TELL him to pretend like he was a dog peeing on the fire hydrant because I thought it would be hilarious? Or did he think of it on his own? Give me a break, what kind of a mother would put their kid up to something like that!?

If I told you I threw my back out, would you mock me?


Thankfully, The Boss Of Me did NOT have Pneumonia. The results came back late Wednesday. After much debating, we decided it would be ok to take her out, so we packed up The Van and headed out to Palm Springs to spend Thanksgiving with my family.
I’m so grateful that everything turned out for the best. I want to write all about it, some really great things happened, some HILARIOUS and CRAAAZY things. Things like peeing of the pants and dropping of the very expensive digital camera in the dish water, but I am in excruciating pain right now and unable to sit here much longer.
Just wanted to update so y’all stop worrying about Special Sauce. See? She’s smiling again. She’s almost ALL better!
On the other hand, you need to worry about my husband if he doesn’t stop the insanity. I swear to The Almighty, if he doesn’t stop walking around with tissue SHOVED UP HIS NOSE I may be forced to hurt him. Come on, that’s just STUPID and ANNOYING. Wouldn’t you agree? (You would if you had to look at that for THREE DAYS IN A ROW!)

Is it just me?

Have you ever laughed so hard while with your friends, you lost control of your ‘Tocks and without warning, you let one rip. And it’s so loud, that the entire group hears it and stops laughing for one second to verify who it was, but they pretty much figure out it’s you right away, so they start laughing AT you, which makes you laugh so hard AGAIN that you lose control of the “other” exit and you pee a little?
No?
Ok, then, have you ever been standing outside the front of your church building, right after church was over and while everyone is out front drinking punch and coffee, a really cute boy who you have a crush on yells from across the street “Hey, you! Want a ding dong?” And you lose control because you’re addicted to food with cream in the middle so you take off to run across the street, IN YOUR DRESS AND PUMPS and you slip in the middle of the street, causing your dress to fly up in the air while landing on your back and everyone sees you and they start laughing, while you frantically try to cover your crotch?
Have you ever been in Vegas for a wedding and got all dressed up in a cute blue and white polka dotted dress with a hat and high heels and thought you looked REALLY HOT and just before the wedding starts, you have to go pee, so you run to the bathroom, do your business, wash your hands and start trottin’ your hot stuff out into the lobby and you think everyone is staring at you because you LOOK SO HOT, only to have some lady yell out “Your dress is TUCKED INTO YOUR PANTYHOSE, MISS” and suddenly you realise people were staring at you because YOUR ASS WAS EXPOSED?
Damn, I had at LEAST 5 more, but Gabby is up and she’s calling for The Tit.

Dude, where’s my card?

sexaytonay.jpg
Fourteen years ago today, I married that sexy hunk o’man right thurrrr. I was only 19 years old. I had no idea what was in store for me, nor was I aware of HOW BIG his GLASSES really were, because I was too blinded by the “L” word. All I knew was that I was completely in love with him and I wanted to grow old with him.
In these past 14 years, we’ve made love like crazy, made THREE beautiful children, fought about money, meat, toilet paper, broken ovens, toe nails clippings, laundry, his mom, his need to mention “he has a tubesteak for me” every five minutes, bills, my sloppiness, etc, we’ve seen movies together, comforted each other, sang to each other, rubbed each others back and various other body parts, supported each other, let each other down, picked each other right back up. We’ve been through so much together and through it all, we’ve never stopped loving each other. Sure, there were times we COULDN’T STAND EACH OTHER. Times where we’ve questioned our love, but it’s always been there.
We’re not a perfect couple, not even close, but the thing I love about us? We don’t GIVE A SHIT about perfect. We likes keepin’ it real, yo.
Happy Anniversary, you big dorky Pig Hunter.
Te Amo, Mi amor.

pervs

There was a reason I asked you to tell me what you thought when you looked at country mouse.
The reason? I wanted to make sure I wasn’t the only one who thought country mouse had boobies. To see if anyone else thought it was weird that Ethan got a “star” for his efforts, rather than a good “talkin’ to”.
Alright, my fellow perverts, country mouse is NOT exposing her boobs. To quote Ethan…
countrymouse2.jpg
“You’re SICK, mom, those are OVERALLS!”
Get it? Because HE’S from the country?
Yeah.

0 – P-I-S-S-E-D in 60 seconds

My daughter has inherited my raging temper and I finally have photographic evidence. As you look at the photos, you can mentally put my face in place of hers and switch out the toy for a burrito that has onions even though I asked for NO ONIONS, because I swear it’s the same scene. Exactly.


It started out with Tony innocently handing her a new toy hoping she’ll chew on it instead of eating her hands up.

“Look, Mom, a new toy! I’m not quite sure how to use it, but I’m a genius, so I’ll figure it out!”

It takes her a few minutes, but with little help from daddy, she gets it into her mouth and begins biting furiously

.
And what do you know? SHE LOVED IT. She was talking and squeeling and biting and kicking.

“Mmmmmmm chewy toy” The chewing goodness lasted about a minute because OH MY GOD… THE TOY FELL OUT OF HER HANDS.

“Can someone please PUT THAT TOY BACK IN MY MOUTH FOR ME? Ok, you’re taking too long, I’m going to have to bust out the ‘throw myself back and get completely stiff’ move now!”

We tried giving it back to her, but she was already pissed beyond the point of return.

“GET THAT TOY AWAY FROM ME. HOW DARE YOU NOT BE THERE TO CATCH IT THE SECOND IT FELL, YOU WILL PAY IN THE FORM OF ME SCREAMING FOR 10 MINUTES!”

If you people only knew how similar my coniptions are, you’d be like “Poor Yvonne, having to deal with a little mini-her”
Like my mom says… “It’s payback time”

fizarts are funny

My daughter thinks I’m funny and this makes me happy because there aren’t too many people think I’m funny.
Sure, people love to laugh AT me, but that’s not the same thing as thinking I’m funny. I mean, who wouldn’t laugh at a grown woman who didn’t know a pickle was a CUCUMBER?
My boys used to think I was funny. Now they think I’m just “annoying.”
Tony thinks I’m funny sometimes. Especially when we’re watching TV because of my commentary. But then I’ll go and rip a killer and suddenly, “I’m not funny” anymore. Excuuuuuse me for being human.
Lately, I’ve noticed when I write things that I THINK are funny, I always end up clarifying that in the comments “I was trying to BE FUNNY”. That leads me to believe… I might not be funny.
Funny is important. I love funny people. That’s why I love Melly so much. She knows how to bring on the funny. Trust me, even our “first fight” was funny because SHE is so funny. (ok and because it happened in a cheap motel which had a plastic donkey and a Jesus in the lobby) People who make me laugh are always my favorite people. So, excuse me for wishing I WAS FUNNY.
But, hey, Gabby think I’m funny and even if she is the only person in the world who thinks I’m funny, I’d be ok with that and I’m not just saying that because she farts when she laughs, which in turn makes me laugh so hard, I make peepee. I’m saying it because she has the most beautiful smile AND the greatest laugh I’ve ever heard.

Bless his fart

I walked in the door a little while ago after spending the day out on the town with my kids. Tony grabbed me, pulled me close to him, kissed me on the lips and proudly said “Happy Anniversary, baby!! I LOVE YOU!”
It would have been the sweetest moment we’ve had in a long time… WERE IT ACTUALLY OUR ANNIVERSARY TODAY.
It’s not until the 17th, but for some reason that he doesn’t even know, he just “thought it was today”
He can’t help it, he was born that way. And by “that way” I mean, the most unromatic man in all of the world.

But I LOVE asshole dog!


I don’t think I’m going to feel much like writing today. Snoop is gone. He got out yesterday and I searched and searched and searched for him. Never found him. I hoped when I woke up this morning he’d be sitting on the front porch step, but he wasn’t. I am sick to my stomach this morning. I’m going to take one more drive right now before I get the kids up for school to look for him, I just hope to God I don’t find him smashed on the road.
update
He’s back. And now I want to kick his ass for making me cry and throw up all morning. But I won’t.