The boys are off for Spring break, which means my daily schedule has been completely thrown off, which means naptimes and “computer times” have been moved around or forsaken completely.
There are have been a few times where I wanted to sit down and write about something that The People (that was for YOU, Danny.) just HAD to know, but then the boys would ask me to please do the laundry so that they would have clean socks to wear to play basketball in.
God. They’re so demanding.
Actually, this has been a very enjoyable, stress free spring break. Now that they’re older and a little more mature, they don’t fight as much, they aren’t eternally bored and bonus! They like to go spend all of their time at their friend’s house!
There was a time where, as much as I loved having them home all day to do things like go to Chuck E Cheeses or Discovery Zone, I would feel like ripping my hair out by the second day of vacation because they would fight every second of every day and cry that they were “bored” and had “nothing to do.”
It would seem that those days are long gone and as much as I miss them being little, it’s kind of nice being able to enjoy their company without having to listen to “Moooom, I’m so boooooooored.”
Speaking of bored…
Last night I decided to go to the gym early to get ma’ free weights and ma’ crunches on before Aerobic Dance class.
The area designated for “ab work” was being hogged up by two little teenagers who were doing more talking (and texting) then they were actual ab work. I thought I’d go ahead and do all of my leg weights since it looked like they were going to be there a while.
When I was finished, those little hos were STILL laying there, gossiping, giggling and sending text messages on their totally awesome cellular devices.
I wanted to walk up to them and say “So, hi. I really need to do some ab work and you’re taking up all of the room and I noticed you’re not actually doing sit ups, but socializing and while I realize you have all of the time in the world because you’re young with perky tits, I don’t. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m old. And also fat and as I’m talking to you I could be developing diabetes, or have a stroke, or go blind so if you don’t mind, I’d really appreciate it if you got your tight little asses up off of this floor and take your conversation elsewhere because I’ve got 50 pounds to lose and it aint going to happen if I can’t do some mother fucking crunches.
But, being the kind and loving soul that I am, I just walked by and gave them dirty looks whilst letting out one of those “OH MY GOD, YOU’RE SO ANNOYING” sighs and headed for Aerobic Dance class.
AD class was better than it’s been the past few weeks. She lightened up on the “grapevines” and added some actual dance moves like “the mambo” and the “one where you run forward for three steps and then do this really awesome kick jump” (and not to brag, but I totally nailed it.) However, it still wasn’t the same Aerobic Dance that I fell in love with back in 2005. Gone are the days of “The Monkey” and “The Dirty Dance.” It’s all “Grapevines” and “V-steps” and I’m sorry, that’s so 1985.
I hate to say it, but I do believe that my love for Aerobic Dance has begun to wither and I think I may be done with it.
All good things must come to an end, I suppose. But damn, it was fun while lasted.
Maybe I’ll take up pole dancing. I’m just not quite ready to stop “spending my husband’s hard earned money on ridiculous things like dance lessons.”
Mmmmmmm Duncan Hines.
So, I have this “friend” who is a little worried because whenever she works out, her under boob sweat smells exactly like yellow cake mix.
She is concerned that it might not be “normal” so she asked her husband, who thinks he is very funny but is actually NOT and he told her that she was probably just “sweating out” all of that “extra caramel” she gets on her “fancy lattes”.
I told her I’d ask The Internet, because that’s what a good friend would do.
So, um, is it normal for underboob sweat to smell like yellow cake mix?
My friend really wants to know.
Dear Internet,
I need your help.
How do you define “mommy blog”?
Is it simply a blog written by a woman who happens to be a mom?
Or is it a mom who writes about her kids most of the time?
Or is it something else?
Also, do you consider this blog a “mommy blog”?
I have had a post swirling around inside of my brain for a while now and I’d love to hear the answers to those questions before I write it.
Thank you.
Random Thoughts From Tonight’s Aerobic Dance Class (Which, for the “record”, totally sucked)
Is this Aerobic Dance class or kickboxing? WTF?
Hey, lady. Ever heard of a little thing called “personal space?”
Um, doing a “hop” at the end of The Grapevine does not make “cool”, so please stop doing it.
Who sharted?
No. Seriously. WHO SHARTED?
Who forgot their deodorant?
I WILL CUT YOU.
What’s with all of the Grapevines?
Niiiiiice buttocks.
Oh no she di’int.
Grandma, please.
Ha ha ha ha. QUEEFER.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm hummus and pita chips with wine.
When are we doing some pelvic thrusts, dude? ENOUGH WITH THE GRAPEVINES.
Ok. Your hand just brushed up against my arm and I am trying to be nice, but WHY DO YOU INSIST ON BEING ALL UP ON MY JOCK?
Dumbest.Moves.Ever.
Two can play this game, heffer.
Whoops! Did my hand just hit the back of your head? I’m sorry, but if you weren’t all up IN MY PERSONAL SPACE, that might not have happened.
I hate to be cocky, but damn, my Bunny Hop was off the CHAIN.
Bean dip.
Is it over yet?
God.
Back to Back Cheese.
Friday morning I sat down on the living room floor with the intention of folding the laundry. Gabby followed me and plopped her precious little butt right next to me on the ground.
“Would you like to help mommy fold the clothes?” I asked.
“Yes!” she said with a little twinkle in her eye.
“Ok, you get all of the socks and put them in a pile, ok?”
“Ok!”
Well, that’s not what happened. She grabbed a sock and threw it. Then she picked up another one and threw it.
And another one.
And another one.
My first reaction was to tell her to stop because she was making a mess and mommy didn’t need any more messes to clean up!
But, I didn’t tell her to stop. Instead, I grabbed a handful of the laundry and threw it at her.
She started laughing.
Then she grabbed a handful of laundry and threw it at me.
We both started laughing.
Laundry Fight! Laundry Fight!
At one point, a sock landed on her had and she started laughing uncontrollably. I started laughing uncontrollably and we both had tears streaming down our faces from laughing so damn hard.
Our little laundry fight only lasted a few minutes and we found ourselves worn out from all of the laughing and tossing of clothing.
As we lay on top of a pile of socks and t-shirts, I looked over at my daughter who had a smile from ear to ear. She was so happy.
And so was I.
Such a simple little moment had provided the both of us with so much joy.
That moment almost didn’t happen because I didn’t want “another mess.” I almost told my daughter “No! Don’t throw the clothes!” Because that’s what my first reaction usually is…
To say “no.”
To say “not right now.”
To say “later.”
To say “don’t’ make a mess!”
To say “Mommy’s too busy.”
I remember a commercial that was on TV a few years ago. It was a little boy who had got the cereal down and taken the milk out and poured himself a bowl of cereal under the kitchen sink. He made a mess everywhere. When the mom came in and saw what he had done, she looked at him and smiled.
I remember thinking. “Oh HELLS NO.”
If I walked into the kitchen to find my little toddler had made herself a bowl of cereal, my first reaction would not be “Aw, how cute, she made herself a bowl of cereal.”
It would be “ah. OMG! Why didn’t you just tell mommy you were hungry? YOU MADE A MESS EVERYWHERE AND I JUST MOPPED THE FLOOR!”
I can’t tell you how many times my kids have wanted to help with something and I’ve told them no because I knew that them helping meant more mess for me to clean up.
And it makes me sad that I’ve been that way. It makes me sad that I’ve denied my children and myself “Little Moments” because I didn’t want to deal with a little mess.
It wasn’t easy for me to be all “To hell with it, let her throw the socks!” Everything inside of me was screaming “don’t throw the socks! You’re making a mess!”
But I kept hearing this little voice say “Don’t sweat the small stuff. Just enjoy the moment.”
(Again with the Voices In My Head. They’re really starting to get on my nerves.)
And so I gave into the moment and had a little fun.
The truth of the matter is that the mess I was so worried about took 5 minutes to clean up but the memories that I made with my daughter in that pile of clean socks and t-shirts will last for the rest of my life.
The One I Started Writing Over 3 Hours Ago But Just Now Finished Because People Be Calling My House and Knocking On My Door NonStop, Man.
You know how I was all “Hey! You should watch The Old Adventures of New Christine because I totally interviewed the cast!”
So, um, did you watch it?
Because I didn’t.
But! It’s not my fault! You see, last night I went to Aerobic Dance Class and just before I left, I looked PigHunter in the eye and said “Babe, can you please record TNAOOC for me?”
He shot back with a bit of an attitude. “Why? Why do I have to record it?”
“Um, because I want to watch it but since I also want to go to Aerobic Dance, I need you to record it so I can watch it when I get home.”
“uh, ok.”
Apparently “Uh, ok” means, “I’m going to totally get sucked into Deal or No Deal and forget all about recording your show, but um, hey, next time you want to watch a show, set the dvr yourself or stay home and watch it!”
I can’t say that I regret going to Aerobic Dance Class, but I can say that I regret trusting A MAN to do something he said he was going to do.
Oh, but I am joking. Men are wonderful and I’m not just saying that because they get boners.
(We interrupt this post to bring you some breaking news. Y is being stalked by a little black spider. When she went to go get a glass of diet pepsi, he was hanging from her door jam. She knocked it down with a dirty sock and tried to find it to kill it, but he was nowhere to be found. A few minutes later, she was making her bed and he appeared on her bed post, all staring at her like “Watchu’gonna do to me now, bitch?” She ran to get a piece of toilet paper to smash it, but by the time she got back, the little asshole had disappeared. Just now as she was typing this post, he started running up the wall next to her computer desk. She swears he flipped her the bird and he scurried off into the corner of the window sill. Y is now afraid for her life and doesn’t know how she’s going to sleep tonight knowing a little black stalker is waiting to attack her in her sleep.)
I wish I had a great story to tell you about Aerobic Dance Class last night, but I do not, because – and it kills me a little on the inside to say this outloud—[little voice] it kind of sucked [/little voice]
For starters, me and my cousin (who has been taking this class with me since the beginning of time.) were the only people in the class. Well, until Snotty Mc. Spandex showed up just before the music started pumping.
Normally, I would have LOVED to have been one of only 3 people in class because HELLO ATTENTION FROM THE INSTRUCTOR! But, she announced that she was going to be teaching “The Belly Dance” and, well, all of the extra weight I’m carrying around combined with the fact that I forgot to tie a sweatshirt around my waist to help camouflage The Jiggle, I was so not comfortable with doing things like “The Shimmy” and “The Figure 8.”
I was so paranoid about The Jiggle the entire class that it was hard to enjoy the dance. And it didn’t help that every 3 seconds Anna would look DIRECTLY AT MY STOMACH and shout “Abdominals IN! Keep your abdominals IN!”
I wanted to lift up my shirt and scream “THEY ARE AS IN AS THEY ARE GOING TO GET, WOMAN.” Because no matter how hard I suck that shit in, my “abdominals” are still going to look like a freshly popped open can of biscuits on board a bus ride through a rocky dirt road.
The entire class I kept thinking “inside of this overweight tub o’lard lives a really hot, muscular woman who isn’t afraid to “Shimmy Faster” I could feel her wanting to bust out from inside me and THRUST HER HIPS HARDER!” But last night I was so aware of just how much weight I’ve put on and how lumpy and jiggly my body has become again that I couldn’t enjoy the class like I have in the past.
I had these feelings when I first started taking Aerobic Dance Class, but as time went on and I lost weight and became more confident in My Moves, I stopped caring about The Lumps and The Jiggles and just started to have fun with it.
I want to have fun with it again, damn it. I want to love The Aerobic Dance like I did in 2005.
My issues with my body weren’t the only reasons the class sucked. The dance itself was a liiiiiiittle lame. She’s done belly dancing before and I remember it being fun and exciting and it making me a little hornay because of all of the moves involving hip thrusts. Last night it was dull and she only had a combination of 6 moves, which, for a pro like me, is like, boooooring.
Whoops, did that make me sound like an aerobic dancing snob?
Anyway, I plan on incorporating some new and different workouts into my routine. I’m going to start “running” at the park, doing more free weights and maybe, perhaps, quite possibly [little voice] doing a little Billy Blanks Boot Camp up in my family room. [/little voice].
(Ha! Ha! I said “new” and “different”.)
I think someone needs to invent a “workout and burn thousands of calories whilst sitting at your computer balawwwwwging” dvd because dudes, that would rule.
They’re playing basketball. We love that basketball.
Today, my oldest son is playing for the city league basketball championship.
They’re playing the team that they team they beat by 1 point. At the buzzer
He’s played in the city league since he was 3 years old and this is the first time he’s been on a winning team. This is the first time that he’s ever made it to the championship. This is the first time that he has a team that really knows how to play basketball.
And it just so happens to be the first year that PigHunter has coached his team.
The exitement doesn’t end there, folks. PigHunter is also coaching Ethan’s team and at 8 this morning, he has a playoff game and if he wins that game, he will also play for city championship this afternoon. (Different divisions.)
We’re all so excited and I’m so damn proud of all 3 of my boys. Last weekend, they won FOUR games to get to this point.
I didn’t sleep much last night because of nerves and I know I don’t need to tell you about The Gas.
I just hope I’m able to control my nerves and um, not get kicked out of either of their games. I’ve developed a “new skill” when it comes to their basketball games. It’s called “Taking a Walk” instead of “Screaming at the Refs (and Sometimes the Parents.) It’s worked beautifully this year, as I’ve not even got a warning to shut my trap from the refs.
Both of my boys want to win this really bad, so as their mom, I want it for them.
Go Lakers! Go Magic!
GO COACH PIGHUNTER!(And also Coach Kevin! Because he’s not coaching alone, he’s co-coaching with a friend.)
Update:
Ethan lost the first game and his chance at the championship by TWO flippin’ points. He did, however, win his 2nd game by almost 30 and took 3rd place.
Andrew’s game is at 3:30 and this is for The Championship, Y’all.
You’re laughing with me, right? Riiiiiiiight
The best way that I can explain why I (along with several other bloggers) was invited to the set of The New Adventures of Old Christine is to copy a portion of the CBS press release.
As CBS gears up for the return of the comedy series THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE to the primetime television line-up, the Network is using non-traditional methods to reach out to audiences they know will instantly relate and respond to the show – moms and dads who write about their hilarious parenting experiences on the Internet. Top parenting bloggers from across the country were given the opportunity to visit the set and interview the cast of the show, which returns to the CBS primetime schedule on Monday, March 12. That night will feature a double-header of new episodes, from 8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT. The following week, Monday, March 19, the series will move into its regular new time slot, 8:30 PM, ET/PT.
So, basically, CBS had reached out to bloggers to help spread the word about the return of the show on March 12.
Awesome, yes?
The experience was one that I will never forget. And not just because there is a video that will live on to remind me. (GOD.) Because I never imagined that I’d be sitting across a table from Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Wanda Sykes, having a conversation about blogging and what it’s meant to me. And I never imagined I’d be sitting next to women who I’ve grown to love from their writing online, writing notes and giggling while sitting across from Famous People. It may sound silly to you, but it meant a great deal to me considering people aren’t exactly knocking my door down asking me to do really cool things like this. You know what I’m saying? I’m just really grateful to have been a part of such a great experience.
When I first watched the video, I had to stop it at the part after I mentioned farting, because it was hard to watch and listen to myself talk. I wanted to slap myself and tell myself to SHUTUP ALREADY. And I also wanted to apply a little powder to my very shiny face. Do you know that feeling that you get when you’re embarrassed for someone on television and so you have to change the channel, or look away and plug your ears while singing “LA LA LA LA LA I can’t hear you”? Do you know what I’m talking about?
Well, I got that feeling watching myself and was mortified that I was going to have to post this on my blog for everyone to see.
But I have really good friends who have assured me that it’s not as bad as I think it is and a husband who assured me THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME, but about promoting the show!
And he’s right! So…
I ask you to show CBS the power of The Blogs and watch the return of The New Adventures of Old Christine on Monday, March 12 at 8:00. It will return to it’s new time slot of 8:30 on Monday March 19th.
Speaking of March 19th!
On Monday, March 19, Emmy award-winner Julia Louis-Dreyfus and series creator and executive producer Kari Lizer, will participate in an exclusive virtual press conference with BlogHer.org, a website with over 8000 registered members that has become a prime online destination for people to find and read today’s most talented female writers. The 30-minute live interview webcast, with questions provided exclusively by BlogHer members, will be conducted by the site’s co-founder Lisa Stone, an award-winning journalist
Now that I’ve done my “job” in helping to spread the word about the show, I’ll go ahead and leave you with a little video I like to call “Quit talking already and go apply some powder to your oily face, woman.” (But you know, I could also call it “I made Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Wanda Sykes laugh SO SUCK IT.” But I won’t.)
“Enjoy.”
(I do hope you’ll watch through to see Julia’s answer to the question “what would you like people to know about the show?” because it was a really good answer and also because she is SO FREAKING HOT and I love her.)
Part 1 1/2
The pictures and the video (VIDEO!!) are in from my visit to the set of The New Adventures of Old Christine.
I only have one word to say about the video and that word is “dude”.
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude.
The thought “no way in HELL am I posting this for The Internet to see” has crossed my mind quite a few times, but then a friend lovingly reminded me of videos that I’ve posted before (“Dude, you’ve posted video of yourself doing The Dirty Dance. What’s the big deal with posting this one?”)and I realized she’s right. I’ve never really had a problem with making an ass out of myself to entertain people, so, what the hell, I’ll post it.
But not today!
Maybe tomorrow, or Thursday, but definitely by Friday.
Here’s a little preview of what you can expect on that video.
Photo: Cliff Lipson/CBS
©2007 CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.
p.s.
“Dude, like, my mom totally read your comment and she’s going to tell your mom.”
On Saturday, my First Baby will turn 14 years old.
I can’t think about it without breaking down and crying. He’s my first child, he holds a very dear place in my heart and every time I’m faced with the reality of how quickly he’s heading towards adulthood, my heart breaks in a thousand different places and also bursts with pride at the same time.
Bittersweet. That is truly the only word to discribe it.
Yesterday, he asked me The Question that I’ve been dreading. The question I hoped would never come out of my son’s mouth.