So, it looks like Dooce Kicked my ass. Was there any doubt she would? Of course there wasn’t!
The internet will not let Dooce lose!
I’m tempted to start “Help me beat Dooce at the last minute” campaign, but I’m thinking that’ll come off as a little “desperate”. But, man, that would be funny. (Was that a hint? Or was that a hint? )
But I have to thank y’all for not letting me finish last! (But seriously, “blog awards” are silly and but, um, “beating Dooce”? Not so silly. I CAN NOT HELP IT THAT I AM COMPETETIVE. I WAS BORN THIS WAY.)
Ho Ho Ho-ly crap, already?
Christmas is next Saturday, right?
You’d think I’d have one gift by now, wouldn’t you? But I don’t. Not a one. It just doesn’t “feel” like Christmas.
But, hey! At least we have a tree! It wasn’t as bad of an experience as it usually is for me either. We found The Perfect Tree in only a few minutes.
Ok, Tony found it, but according to the bible, we are one, so, “we” it is.
It is not missing a middle section, it is not lobsided, it is not dry. It is perfect. (And you will SHUTUP about my lack of window treatments! YOU WILL!)
(Perfect for us anyway, because we ALWAYS end up with fuh-gly trees.)
Last night, I gave up control and let the boys do the decorating. They always help and I always try to let them do it, but it never fails, when they go to sleep? I rearrange all of the ornaments because it drives me crazy to see them not properly spaced out. Like, DO NOT PUT ALL RED ONES IN ONE SPOT, SPREAD THEM OUT OH CHILDREN OF MINE. But this year? I just let go. Perfect isn’t so important, but their happiness and sense of accomplishment is. (Ha! Let’s see how true that rings when they want to help “wrap the presents.)
I will not lie, it is bugging the living shit out of me, because, AHHHHHHH… Too many of the same ornaments in the one section of the tree! But you know what? They had so much fun doing it and they really took it seriously. Also? THEY DIDN’T FIGHT THE ENTIRE TIME, which is a miracle in itself. A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! How could I NOT love it just the way it is?
Besides, I have much more important things to worry about. Things like, you know, STARTING MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!
Wearing off…. (kind of)… (sort of)… (just a little bit)
I’ve told you before about The Charm. How my daughter uses it to get out of pretty much any trouble she gets into.
Well, “The Charm” is losing some of it’s “cred” with Momma.
I mean, she’s really cute and all, but when she slams her head repeatedly on the ground to demonstrate just how pissed off she is that you took the pencil away from her, NOT SO CUTE.
Recently, I asked her to throw something in the trash and to my surprise? She did it! So, I clapped and cheered! “Yay! Gabby threw away the trash!” And when daddy came home, I showed him what she had learned and we all clapped and cheered “Yay! Gabby threw the trash away!”
What I did not realize at the time was that she would think it was cute to THROW EVERYTHING SHE GOT HER HANDS ON AWAY because, “Hey! The People cheer when I throw things in this white box!”
I couldn’t find my keys anywhere this morning and after hours of searching, it hit me… “Look in the trash.”
The trash that was full of raw chicken skin and tomatoes chunks and dirty diapers because The Children were too cold to take out the trash last night and mama let them slide. And thank goodness for that because GUESS WHERE MY KEYS WERE?
I stuck my hands in, dry heaving the entire time and WHAT DO YA KNOW! My keys, they were there at the bottom of the trash.
I’m pretty sure she clappped and cheered when she threw them in and thought “wow, I’m so cute! And smart! I wonder how my parents can stand it!”
I can’t stand it most days, because, My God, the girl is beautiful, smart, hilarious and she farts on command.
But lately? The Charm is being overshadowed by “The Stubborn” and “The Cranky” and “The Slightly Evil.”.
Yesterday, I had to add “Sweep” to the List of Things I Can Not Do While Gabby is Awake because she MUST PLAY WITH THE PILE OF DUST. And if I tell her “no!” All hell breaks loose. And when I say “hell” I mean, Full Blown Tantrums. How DARE I not let her play in the filth.
Other “things” included on that list are
1. Load the dishwasher
2. Watch Tv
3. Eat
4. Poop (which, not really a problem considering I haven’t gone in oh, what 5 days?)
5. Talk on the phone
6. WRITE WITH A PEN, PENCIL OR MARKER
I’m forgetting one. What IS it. Oh! Yes! FOLD AND PUT AWAY CLOTHES !
I tried that the other day and five minutes after putting all of her neatly folded clothes away? That happened.
Of course, she busted out The Charm BIG TIME and flashed that big, goofy smile of hers when she realized I was SLIGHTLY PISSED. And it worked, but I’m telling you people, IT IS LOSING IT’S MAGIC BECAUSE GIRLFRIEND IS OUT OF CONTROL.
I can only imagine the teenage years.
God help us all.
Truth and lies
I’m not the smartest person in the world, not the prettiest, or the funniest. I am not good at much and sometimes I wish I was better at so many things.
But I have you. All three of you. You are all that is good in my life. Each one of you perfect in your own way. I feel as though I don’t deserve you sometimes, but my GOD, I love you. Each one of you. Your love, your smiles, your personalities, they melt away the sadness in my heart. I see you smile, I hear your laughter and I know I’ve done something right. You are the one, two, three things I’ve done good and right in my life. You’re all happy, you’re all so full of life. You are all so kind, full of so much personality. You’re all incredibily funny. I mean, like laugh out loud, peeing my pants funny. Each one of you are amazing, unique, beautiful children and I’d like to think I have something to do with that.
And they call this ” A Parenting Blog” ha! ha!
I have a confession.
I HATE CHRISTMAS TREES.
I hate picking one out, I hate decorating them, I hate watering them, I hate vacuuming around them, I hate having to take the decorations off.
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT CHRISTMAS TREES.
I try to pretend I don’t hate them, because, you know, the kids love them and look forward to getting one and making it all “pretty”.
I do my best to make it enjoyable. I make hot cocoa, and put on christmas music. I smile while they hang the ornaments all random like with no regard for SPACING or PLACEMENT. I say things like “very pretty!” “wow, you really have an eye for decorating!” “I really am LOVING THIS, YOU GUYS!”
But deep down inside? I WANT TO PUNCH PEOPLE.
Ah, Letting the kids help decorate the tree is GREAT FUN!.
One year? I rebelled and refused to go shopping for the tree. I told Tony I trusted him and the boys to pick out a great tree!
Yeah, that didn’t work out to well because they came home with a tree that was MISSING THE ENTIRE MIDDLE SECTION.
I was pissed and man, I said a whole ‘lotta “F” words, but Tony wasn’t even having it, he was like “Oh HELL NO”. (because, you know, I made the choice to not help him pick it out, but, come on, how do you pick a tree with NO MIDDLE SECTION?)
Anyway, I swore I’d never do that again and that, as much as I hate shopping for trees, I’d suck it up and go because, HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS! I love doing holiday things with my kids! I AM A GREAT MOTHER!
But really? I’m not a “great mother” when it comes to the holidays. I don’t have the patience for it. Like, last night. I had the bright idea to go to Michaels to buy some supplies to do some “holiday crafts.” I decided on glass ornaments to paint and clay ornaments to bake.
Um. Within the first 5 minutes water was spilled on the newspaper I had just laid on the table and one glass ornament was shattered into pieces.
Now, a Good Mother, who possessed patience and a little holiday spirit might have sighed a little, but understood, “hey! They’re just kids, relax! It’s Christmas.”
But me? I put my face in my hands and GROWLED, like “AAAHHHHHGRRRRRRRRR”.
“Are you going to cry mom? You’re going to cry, aren’t you?”
“No! I’m not going to cry! I’m going to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that this is fun and ACCIDENTS HAPPEN! So, give me a minute and we’ll get back to painting after I calm down.”
It’s like, I realize I’m being an Asshole Mother, but I can’t stop myself. How do you patient, christmas loving, perfect mothers DO IT? What is your secret?
Tony will be home in less then an hour and as soon as he takes a dump, we’ll head out to look for a tree. I’ve been thinking “positive thoughts” all day, but I promise you, the minute we hit the tree lot, I’ll be wishing I was at home, watching Dr.Phil whilst EATING MY 6TH BANANA for the day.
Because, trust me, that would be more fun than looking for a stupid Christmas Tree.
If only she had taken a bow
There was a time where I did not enjoy going out in public with my daughter and avoided it whenever possible.
Not because she was a “bad” baby, but because it was such a pain in the ass. I mean, the screaming, the crying, the diaper changes every 5 minutes, the wardrobe changes because of The Pretty Yellow Poop all over everything, the looking for a place to Whip Out A Tit. It was frustrating and not at all fun.
And when I am amongst the general public, IT BETTER BE FUN! (And you better BELIEVE I know how to PARTY in public.)
Thankfully, I no longer dread taking my daughter out amongst the people. Infact? I LOVE IT. I love taking my daughter places because girlfriend is hilarious.
She has this incredibly silly and awesome personality and I love to watch her around people.
She says “Hi!” to everyone who looks at her, and if that person isn’t a dick, and says “Hi!” back, she’ll smile the biggest, Goofiest, (TOOTHIEST, because, look! The teeth? They are HUGE) smile. And if you’re lucky, she’ll reach into her mouth, remove a cheerio and GIVE IT TO YOU. Because, DAMMIT,Gabby shares.
Yesterday, I decided to take her to Barnes and Noble because, girlfriend loves books. And when I say “loves” I mean “is obsessed.” We can sit for hours and read and she does not get bored. Which, is wonderful! And great! But, doesn’t she know I have clothes to fold?
Once we got there, she immediately busted out the personality and started waving, and shouting “Hi!” and smiling and giggling. Most people respond positively to her friendliness and “oohhhh” and “awww” and some people actually squat down to have a conversation with her! But some people are dicks and get annoyed because HOW DARE A CUTE BABY WITH HUGE TEETH BOTHER THEM.
I hate people like that.
Anyways.
She was in heaven at Barnes and Noble. HEAVEN, I tell you. It was so much fun watching her cruising the aisles, pointing at books, trying to get books that were out of her reach and laughing the entire time.
But then, something happened I didn’t expect.
Gabby found the stage. And she climbed up in the stage. And she looked up at the sign that said “Paws to heal, welcome!” and I am PRETTY SURE she thought it said something totally different, something like… um…perhaps… maybe…
Because, the next thing I know, girlfriend is squating, grunting and very much MAKING THE POOP for all of The People to watch!
I was slightly mortified, but mostly, proud. So proud, I clapped and said “yay!” Because, ha! ha! My daughter took a dump on the stage, people.
Vote for Y
When I was in the sixth grade, I ran for Student Council.
I wanted to be the 6th grade class secretary, because I wanted to change people’s lives. Please, Do not under estimate the power of “taking minutes”.
Back then, I didn’t have the self confidence issues I have today. Infact? I thought I was The Shit. I really and truly did. I didn’t think for one minute that I’d lose. I was YVONNE! People liked me! Because I was funny and man, could I sing. (And strum a mean guitar, but now, I’m just bragging.)
I had a plan to win! I was going to have the BEST CAMPAIGN SIGNS IN THE HISTORY OF CENTRAL SCHOOL ELEMENTARY ELECTIONS.
I had the “good” poster board, you know, the really thick kind? And I had glitter! And puffy paint! And SHARPIES!
There was only one problem. A very BIG problem.
Nothing rhymes with my name. And in order to have the greatest campaign sign EVER, you must have a cool slogan that rhymes with your name.
I ended up having to settle with stupid signs that were not great at all.
“Vote Yvonne for class secretary!”
I figured I could make up for the fact that my slogan SUCKED by writing the greatest SPEECH ever. And I did, and I won.
If only I had had a friend like Melly in elementary school, because, if I had, she would have informed me that there actually was a phrase that rhymed with my name and man, was it hot.
If only she had taken a bow
There was a time where I did not enjoy going out in public with my daughter and avoided it whenever possible.
Not because she was a “bad” baby, but because it was such a pain in the ass. I mean, the screaming, the crying, the diaper changes every 5 minutes, the wardrobe changes because of The Pretty Yellow Poop all over everything, the looking for a place to Whip Out A Tit. It was frustrating and not at all fun.
And when I am amongst the general public, IT BETTER BE FUN! (And you better BELIEVE I know how to PARTY in public.)
Thankfully, I no longer dread taking my daughter out amongst the people. Infact? I LOVE IT. I love taking my daughter places because girlfriend is hilarious.
She has this incredibly silly and awesome personality and I love to watch her around people.
She says “Hi!” to everyone who looks at her, and if that person isn’t a dick, and says “Hi!” back, she’ll smile the biggest, Goofiest, (TOOTHIEST, because, look! The teeth? They are HUGE) smile. And if you’re lucky, she’ll reach into her mouth, remove a cheerio and GIVE IT TO YOU. Because, DAMMIT,Gabby shares.
Yesterday, I decided to take her to Barnes and Noble because, girlfriend loves books. And when I say “loves” I mean “is obsessed.” We can sit for hours and read and she does not get bored. Which, is wonderful! And great! But, doesn’t she know I have clothes to fold?
Once we got there, she immediately busted out the personality and started waving, and shouting “Hi!” and smiling and giggling. Most people respond positively to her friendliness and “oohhhh” and “awww” and some people actually squat down to have a conversation with her! But some people are dicks and get annoyed because HOW DARE A CUTE BABY WITH HUGE TEETH BOTHER THEM.
I hate people like that.
Anyways.
She was in heaven at Barnes and Noble. HEAVEN, I tell you. It was so much fun watching her cruising the aisles, pointing at books, trying to get books that were out of her reach and laughing the entire time.
But then, something happened I didn’t expect.
Gabby found the stage. And she climbed up in the stage. And she looked up at the sign that said “Paws to heal, welcome!” and I am PRETTY SURE she thought it said something totally different, something like… um…perhaps… maybe…
Because, the next thing I know, girlfriend is squating, grunting and very much MAKING THE POOP for all of The People to watch!
I was slightly mortified, but mostly, proud. So proud, I clapped and said “yay!” Because, ha! ha! My daughter took a dump on the stage, people.
Respect… my parenting
Preface:I wasn’t going to say anything because, I blog for me! and Blog awards make me say the “F” word alot because people get all CRAAAZY n’shit, but, then, it hit me that “Oh my God, I could end up in last place and that would be really embarassing and so, I better at least mention it so that doesn’t happen!!” so…um, yeah…
Look! Thanks to Gennie, I’m a Finalist for a weblog award.
Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s funny to me for several reasons. a)I’m nominated for a “parenting blog”. I mean, I am a parent, but I don’t consider this a “parenting blog.” I mean, I talk about my vagina and my Boobs! But occassionally, I do talk about my great parenting skills, you know, like teaching my daughter to fart on command, so, I guess in a really sick way, I just may fit in to that category. b) Someone had to go and nominate Dooce (link not necessary because EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS DOOCE.) Does anyone have a chance against her? I think not. Because The Internet loves Dooce. The Internet worships Dooce and The Internet will make SURE that Dooce wins. c) Um, I’m totally going to be in last place and that’s going to be a little embarassing. But who knows, maybe Melly comes through for me the I DID FOR HER WHEN SHE WAS UP FOR AN AWARD.
I don’t care if I win or lose, it’s just a silly award that will not make me rich, nor famous, nor a better parent, but, I just don’t want to be in last place. I mean, when I was voted Second SEXIEST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD! (ha! ha! haaa! I “went there” And you will respect My Sexy because The Internet declared me so!) I was ok with not being first, because I WASN’T LAST!
But seriously, folks, I really don’t want to end up in last place, so my campaign will not be about “winning”, but, rather, “please, vote for me so I don’t come in last place!”
(But? If I do come in last place? I’m totally going to pretend like it doesn’t bother me at all and like “I’m glad I didn’t come in first and that I was last because in heaven? The first shall be last, so BOOYAH!”)
p.s. Vegas was fun. I want to tell you all about it, and I will, but first, I must deal with The Dramatics (courtesy of DramaQueen herself, of course.)
Because! Exclamation! Points! Are! Dramatic!
Hey!
Did you know I’m going to Vegas? Because, I’m going to Vegas!
I’m waiting for Joelle and Mikey to pick me up (which, is funny, because they were supposed to have picked me up at 7 this morning, so I got up all early and stuff and panicked because there was no way I’d be ready in time, but guess what? They’re not coming til 12 now! Awesome!) and as soon as they get here, off to Vegas we go!
Buffets! And slot machines! And um, “drinks”! And, maybe, just maybe, DANCING!
But? No Andrew. Or Ethan. Or Gabby.
Oh my God! I do not know if I can do this! I’ve not been away from Gabby before! I’m crying now! (ok, I’m crying again) She needs me! She needs My BOBS! She will scream and cry for me (ok, for My BOBS!) and I will not be here and she will not understand!
This hurts, man. It hurts a lot.
Everyone tells me it will be “good for me” that I need a night away, that Gabby needs to not be “so dependent” on me and that a night away from me will not kill her.
Ok. Fine. But it’s killing me right now, just thinking about it makes the tears fall from my eyes. I’ve been away from the boys before and they’re pretty much like “have fun, whatever!” about it. (Except for Ethan, he gets PISSED if I go anywhere without him, but this morning, he kissed me and said “I’ll see you tomorrow, have fun” and that made me feel good.) But my girl, my sweet girl, what is she going to do without me?
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HER?
Oh Lord, I’m crying again.
But I will be strong! And I will go and have fun! Because… VEGAS! How can I not have fun in Vegas?
Right?
RIGHT?