You know how I said “I have an ultrasound today at 10:40”?
Scratch that.
GABBY LOST MY FREAKING KEYS.
Like, how can I get mad at THAT FACE? And, yet, part of me wants to chuck her out the back door and lock her out for making me cry and panic and say very bad words whilst throwing things and sweating because I’m running everywhere looking for my keys (which, by the way, I STILL HAVEN’T FOUND.) and for LAUGHING AT ME while I was doing all of those things.
So, no ultrasound for me today.
And when she mentioned “no eating after midnight” a died a little inside.
Ultrasound. Today. 10:40.
Finally, I found a doctor (oh! wait! it wasn’t a doctor, it was a nurse practioner!) who actually listened to what I had to say rather than instantly declare “You have anxiety! Here! Take a pill and shutup!”.
Also? Blood work to check my liver function. Did you hear that? BLOOD TESTS! Ladies and gentlemen, we have TWO medical tests! Can I get “GLORY!?”
I’m nervous because a) I have to leave Gabby with my mom and I never really leave Gabby with anyone because she’s my angel and I love her and don’t want anything bad to happen to her and? I love her company, because she makes me laugh very hard because she is HILARIOUS with her big old front teeth and HUGE gap between those teeth and her ATTITUDE PROBLEM which, I’m sure I won’t find funny when she’s 5, but for now? LOVE it. b) What if they find something really bad? I don’t think I’m prepared for bad news. I’m prepared for them to say “everything’s fine! You’re just crazy and making it all up in your head, now HERE, take this damn pill already and SHUTUP.”
Now, I can only hope that the ultrasound screen is completely out of my view because if I can see it? I will surely see something that will make me panic and think things like “OH MY GOD THAT LOOKS LIKE A TUMOR. I’M DOING TO DIE!”
(Note: I tend to get dramatic and irrational about these things.)
I truly am thankful that someone finally listened to me and is taking this seriously.
THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE WHEN I GET EXCITED.
I was hesitant about writing the post below. I thought “surely, people must be so tired of hearing about my weight loss! They’ll roll their eyes and tell me to shutup about it already!”
Oh, I was so wrong about you, Internet.
Your comments, your words of encouragement and support, they mean more to me than I can express here. I wish I could hug you all and tell you thank you. And those of you who said things like “you inspire me.” Y’all made me cry. I don’t feel very inspiring, it’s taking me FOREVER to lose it and I’ve whined and bitched about it the entire time, but, if you say my loss is inspiring to you, that it makes you feel like you can do it to, that’s AWESOME. I feel so very “WE CAN DO THIS! LET’S KICK SOME ASS, WIMMINS!” right now. It’s almost sickening how positive and motivated I feel right now. So, for that, I thank you. (Those of you fighting your own battle of The Fat, please, feel free to email me ANYTIME and we can cry, complain and motivate each other on the days we feel like we can’t continue. Or we can brag, and say things like “OMG! I lost another pound!” Ok? Ok!) See? Told you, TOTALLY EXCITED AND POSITIVE RIGHT NOW. And, while this is much better than whiny-ness, it’s kind of sickening and making me want to puke. But in a good way!
In other news….
My friend JODI. (ha! ha! I said your name. J-O-D-I.)had her baby 3 weeks early and in my “excitement mode” I was all “Let me cook you dinner tonight!” Which, I really want to do, but I am panicking because I suddenly realize that I am a horrible cook. There are only 3 things that I make that people rave about. One being Mamarosa’s green sauce chicken enchiladas with spanish rice and salsa meal. The other one being a spinach artichoke dip (which is SO EASY and is cooked in the microwave, so it doesn’t even count) the other a pasta salad (which, um, ANYONE CAN MAKE as long as they have access to some Paul Newman balsamic vinegar dressing, so, again, doesn’t really count.) So, actually,I only have ONE “speciality” that I can make that I am proud of.
I feel like such a failure of a women right now. Hello? My grandma is a MASTER CHEF. All her pasta? From scratch. Pies? From scratch.
She truly is the greatest cook I’ve ever known, (but, sadly, in her old age she doesn’t care much about “sanitation” while cooking and I’m somewhat scared to eat her food for fear of contamination.) My mother? Awesome cook. She makes the best mexican dishes and the woman is full blooded honkey.
Me? I’m all “chili cheese dogs with corn on the cob (which was frozen because I was too lazy to buy fresh!)!” Or “Hey grilled chicken and beans. Again!”
I’m so ashamed.
And I didn’t even mention all of the slippery oil
“pump it. Faster”
“Is it getting hard?”
“No. Not yet.”
“Go faster. Is it firm?”
“Oh yeah, it’s firm.”
“Good. Hold it. Don’t let go.”
This is what me helping my husband change the brakes on my van sounds like.
A very late BECAUSE I’VE BEEN SO WRAPPED UP IN SELF LATELY update
Because I’ve been so wrapped up in my own, um, numbness? I completely forgot to post an email I recieved from a reader I had put in contact with Stacey. The email was dated September 30 (Selfish ASS, I am).
I talked to Stacey last night. She called to let me know that she had her baby on Wednesday. She had been told that she was having a girl so she was very surprised when out “popped” a little boy. She named him Kyle Lewis. She is doing much better; she was having problems with her blood pressure being too high. The doctors have been giving here medication to keep the pressure down but it causes her to feel extremely drugged. She hopes to be released on Saturday.
She let me know that she has received lots of candles thanks to your website, and she is very grateful. The UPS man now knows her by name and even commented on how much we must love her.
I’ll update you again after I go visit her. She is going to call me once she is home. My daughter and I are so excited about getting to love up on the new baby. I am going to put together an all boy gift basket to take with us. It has been 8 years since I had a newborn, Is there anything you can think of that would be perfect for the basket (you have 2 boys, I have none J). Is there anything that you couldn’t live with out after you had Gabby?
Nicole
I really wanted to thank each and every one of you for being so generous and TOTALLY AWESOME in helping her out. I will call her tomorrow to get another update.
It’s not funny and yet, JAJAJA
I’m so angry tonight.
Angry and hurt. Not for myself, for my husband.
Ok. For myself too.
Just when I thought I had a little extra money to splurge on some Fancy Hair Product and maybe just maybe book a flight to Las Vegas for a Girls Night Out, our dryer breaks. CANCEL THOSE PLANS.
No big deal, right? Wrong. Because it ALWAYS happens to us. We get excited about something and then BOOM… Life gives us the Middle Finger.
A few weeks ago, my husband, who is the hardest working man, dedicated, NEVER CALLS IN SICK, ALWAYS DOES MORE THAN IS ASKED OF HIM, never complains, EVER, asked for a small raise and a company truck. The company is always making it a point to tell him he’s the “best operator they’ve got” but they never put their money where their mouth is. His “boss” told him he couldn’t give him a raise at the time, but that, yeah! We’ll get ya a company truck and it will be yours to do with as you please!
Tony came home so excited, feeling somewhat valued and appreciated. He was smiling from ear to ear “I’m getting a company truck babe! It’s ok if I didn’t get the raise, they’re giving me a truck, I’m ok with that!”
He’s been waiting patiently for a few weeks now. Last night, he got the call that they had a truck ready for him. They informed him it was “an older truck” and that it “needed a paint job.”
All day long, I was thinking about it, wondering “How bad could it be? Surely, they’ll not give a piece of shit truck to THEIR BEST OPERATOR! When they say ‘a paint job’, surely they mean there are a few scratches that need touched up!”
Four pm rolls around and I hear the familiar sound of boots stomping dirt on the sidewalk. I run to the door. The look on my husband’s face said it all. I KNEW it wasn’t good. He was visibly upset. I took a deep breath and I looked over his shoulder. As soon as I saw it, Iunderstood why he looked so damn depressed.
Y’all? Behold The Company Truck, Which, They Weren’t Lying, Needs A Paint Job, Among “Other” types of Jobs.
If you don’t look good, we don’t look good…
I’ve always been somewhat obsessed with having pretty hair. When I was in high school, “Pretty” meant “Huge Bangs”, lots of hairsrpay and absolutely NO MOVEMENT WHATSOEVER.(Which, was so easy to achieve thanks to totally awesome inventions like THE SPRUSH.)
In my 20’s, I became a Hair Product Whore. A Snobby Hair Product Whore.
Hair products from Rite aid? GASP. Not on my precious, long, shiny, beautiful hair!
High end salons were the ONLY place I’d buy shampoos, conditioners and other products.
I will confess to using V05 hot oil treatments every once in a while (Haaaa! heating up “oil” in a coffee mug whilst soaping up in the shower. Oh, the memories). But, other than that, no product from Kmart would touch my hair.
Oh, how times have changed. Three kids + lots of bills + ONE INCOME= must purchase shampoo from the grocery store and ONLY if it’s on sale and I have a coupon. I’m currently using Dove shampoo and Treseme conditioner. I’ll tell people “there’s no difference! One just costs more!” BUT? I don’t really believe that. I miss my fabulous shampoos, and “deep conditioners”. I miss products that ACTUALLY MADE MY HAIR SMOOTH. (Frizz ease is ASS, people. A-S-S.)
I want to start splurging on my hair again because it’s really starting to feel coarse, and it’s not as shiny as it once was. The problem is I’m TOTALLY out of touch on all of the “good” products. I used to be all hip to that because I’d read the magazines and discuss “products” with my Very Expensive Hair Stylist. Matrix Biolage was The Shit back in the day. Is it still? Or is there something better out there now?
This is where you come in, Internet. I KNOW there are some Product Whore Snobs who read this. Why don’t you tell me what are the MUST HAVES for my hair. Products that will make my hair smell FIERCE, that will make my hair smooth as G-units Buttocks, that will make it as shiny as Tony’s forehead, that will make it thick and so on.
Feel free to throw in your favorite skin care products because this Dirty Whore Year Old Mother of Three has got some SERIOUS WRINKLE ACTION going on. OH and blotching. THE BLOTCHING.
I feel like splurging on some Good Product and I’m asking for YOUR HELP because I don’t want to waste the money I have to save on Crap.
“It’s time to cut the cord so you can clean the toilet, already” Cheese.
I’ve been feeling frustated at my inability to get things done around the house. It’s hard to complete a task with a one year old baby girl who loves to spend time with her mama. I find myself spending all of my time with my daughter, playing with her, reading to her, singing with her, taking her outside, going for walks, dancing with her, fixing her hair, teaching her colors, cuddling her, teaching her ABC’s, teaching her body parts, (which, by the way, it’s no longer “vagina” but “pachina” because, well, PACHINA IS SO CUTE. Double standard because I was all “No cute names for Penis!” But pachina is like the cutest name for a twat EVER and so, pachina it is.)
The only time I feel like I have to clean and get things done is while she’s napping. But, I use that time to catch up on my email (which, by the way, I’m VERY BEHIND ON, so forgiveth me if I’ve not yet responded, ok? ok!), pay my bills, catch up on my reality TV, make phone calls, write, and after I’m done with that, THEN, if she’s still sleeping, I’ll do laundry, or clean the piss off of the toilet seat.
I feel frustrated. I want the house to be clean and in order, I want to be caught up on the laundry, I want this place (notice, I didn’t call it “my home” because IT’S NOT MINE) to be a comfortable, functional environment where we can all feel at peace. Instead, it’s an unorganized, chaotic MESS.
But damn, if it doesn’t smell WONDERFUL. Because? I am obsessed with Products That Make Your House Smell Good. Glade plug in fans, Oust fans, Wisps , Glade candles, LORD, my cup overfloweth with Air Freshing Products. I have one or two in EVERY ROOM and an entire cabinet filled with new ones, ready to be plugged in or lit up.
I decided that I needed to find someone, whom I trust deeply, to watch G-Unit for half a day, one day a week. Because, IT’S ALL HER FAULT. The Charm. It be interferring with my ability to Get Shit Done. At least, that’s what I’ve decided to tell people, because it feels great to blame A BABY, rather than take responsibility for the fact that I SUCK AT HOUSEKEEPING.
I was so excited about having a little time to myself to get things done around the house… Until the time came to actually take her. I couldn’t do it.
The thought of being in the house without my daughter killed me and I wimped out. “I don’t NEED time away from her, what I need is to learn how to manage my time in a more efficient way! THE GIRL STAYS!”
I’ve only left Gabby with my mom 3 times since she’s been born. I’ve left her with my sister once. And I’ve left her with Tony a couple times when I’ve gone out to do Fun Things With Friends. I’ve missed her like CRAZY those few times I’ve left her and couldn’t wait to come back home to see her, kiss her and squeeze her uncontrollably. HOWEVER, that’s so much different then her not being here in the house with me. The thought of that makes me want to cry. It would freak me out if she were gone while I was here.
She’s my lil’ buddy. My little partner in crime (a.k.a my partner in farts). She’s my sunshine, my precious, my Special Sauce, my Gabby Goo, my G-unit, my lil brat, my everything.
Maybe the fact that I can’t bring myself to drop here off for a few hours is because I know she’s the very last baby I’ll ever have, and I know how how quickly she’ll grow up.
Or maybe it’s that I’ve become completely attached to that girl. And the thought of being in this house kills me.
Of course, there’s always the very small possibility that a very small, tiny weeny part of me does not want to get rid of “The Greatest Excuse EVER” as to why I did not clean the house. Again.
But most likely? It’s because that little girl owns me.
Get out of me pre-FACE.
Saturday night I forced myself to get in my VAN and drive to Skits’ 40th birthday party. I say “force myself” because, well, I’ve not been feeling so hot, and when I feel this way, I like to hide from the world. However, I am growing (ha! ha!) and learning how to push those feelings aside and not them control me and not let them keep from from enjoying life. Also? There was no way I was going to let my weight issues keep me from seeing Skits one last time before she moves.
So, I bought some new earrings to make myself feel better and headed on out to El Torito.
I’m so glad I didn’t listen to “my feelings.”
I had a fabulous time with my friends. I mean, does it get any more fabulous then ME singing “As Long as You Love Me” by Backstreet boys? Seriously, pointing whilst singing The Backstreet Boys is TOTALLY fabulous, right? And, so totally, completely “cool”, no? And so is owning their “greatest” “HITS” CD, YES?!
Speaking of “Fabulous”, I have to tell you about my friend Joelle. (I hope she does not kill me) She’s an incredibly beautiful woman. I’ve always thought that, always. But, saturday night, when she walked in the room, she was so stunning, it actually took my breath away. She had a really hot new haircut (10 inches… GONE) and was wearing a hot pair of jeans and MAN, I was in awe. I felt very ugly for about 2 minutes while standing next to her, but the thing is this, not only is she beautiful? She’s got a great personality to match. She’s not “stuck up” what so ever. Infact? She’s loving, warm and she’s all classy n’shit. That’s rare, to find someone that gorgeous with such a good, pure spirit. I feel lucky to know her, I really do.
(Dear Joelle,
Are you mad at me for writing this? Circle YES or NO
Love U 4 Evah,
-Y)
The night ended on a sad note. Having to hug Skits “goodbye”. I know we’ll see each other again, BUT I HATE CHANGE. I hate that she’s not going to be a couple freeways and just an hour away anymore. HATE it. I hate that should I accidently get pregnant again, she won’t be able to throw me another baby shower and make beans and weenies for me at her house here in california. I hate that I won’t be able to email her and be all “Todd Glass is going to be at The Improv next week, wanna go?” I guess that’s life. Things happen, people move, life changes. You have to accept it and make the best of it. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t HATE IT.
I wish PigHunter had come with me, but, he’s a homebody and was all “Go! By yourself! Have fun! Don’t let dumb people get you down! Enjoy life! SING BACKSTREET BOYZ WHILST POINTING YOUR FINGER IN THE AIR! Because that’s cool!” (He might not have actually “said” the thing about backstreet boys, but he totally said it with his eyes)
So, alone I went.
And I’m happy I did. I needed to be around friends and let loose a little.
Ok. A lot. Because saying “I have to PEE!” very loudly in a restaurant is “letting loose A LOT.”
Can a girl get a little understanding?
Here’s the thing…
When I write about my weight, I am speaking of how I feel about MYSELF ONLY.
I have always struggled with self hatred and insecurities. When I say things like “I’m fat and gross” I am not saying that I FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT.
I am talking about the feelings I have towards myself. The past few days have been really rough emotionally for me. I’m sorry if my brutal honestly about how I feel inside offends you, but it’s not about you.
These are my issues, these are my struggles, these are my problems. And YES, I know it hurts people who love me, especially my husband. But I’m not TRYING to hurt people. I’m trying to work through my self hatred, I’m done trying to figure out WHY I am this way, I don’t give a shit WHY anymore, I only care to NOT BE THIS WAY anymore.
Writing here helps me do that.
I honestly believe a HUGE reason that I’ve been feeling this way recently is hormonal. My periods have been irregular, extremely heavy and very painful. I believe that something is happening inside of my body that isn’t “right”. I feel so awful all of the time and I hardly am able to sleep. I’m worn out and that is contributing to my emotional state.
I just wish people could try to understand where I’m coming from. I’m actually a happy, fun loving person. I just have these voices in my head (satan, perhaps?) that want me to believe ugly things about myself. If that pisses you off, that I struggle with these things? I don’t know what to say.
(this concludes any FURTHER TALK ABOUT MY ISSUES, I’M ALL ISSUED OUT. From now on, it’s farts, ‘gineys and reality tv. Ok? OK!)