This morning, at around 6am, I hear a the horn of a car go off about 6 times in a row. Two very long beeps, followed by 4 short ones.
My first thought was “Who in the hell thinks it’s ok to honk at 6 am? Do I need to go punch someone?”
But, I was willing to let it go because I was tired.
A few seconds later, MORE REPEATED HONKING. This time, I wasn’t going to let it go because whoever this asshole was had crossed “The Line.”
I don’t understand people who are too lazy to get out of the car and knock on the door. It’s acceptable sometimes. Like, if it’s raining, or if the person knows you’re on their way and you tell them “I’ll beep when I get there.” But most times, I think people who do that are just being lazy and rude. However, when you do that shit repeatedly at SIX IN THE FREAKING MORNING, you’re not only lazy and rude, you are also A BIG DICK! Congratulations!
I was seriously ready to kick some dick ass after having been woken up by an inconsiderate honker. I ran outside, found the Honking Offender, made eye contact, raised my hands up in the air in the “What in the HELL” position and screamed “Get out of YOUR CAR AND KNOCK, DAMMIT.”
Apparently, Dick Honker didn’t know who he was dealing with because instead of fearing me, she, ( and you’re not going to believe this) HONKED IN MY FACE. She looked right at me, laid her hand on the horn in dramatic “screw you!” fashion.
I can not tell you the rage that burned inside of me. My first reaction was to run with my bra-less self and fight her!  But I had sleeping kids in the house and who runs to fight someone when they have little kids sleeping inside?

Just one more reason to LOVE this ‘hood of mine.
As if I needed Another.
freaking.
reason.

Last night my grandpa was rushed to the ER. His potassium level was dangerously high and his kidneys began to shut down.
He’s not doing well, but being carefully monitored at The Veteran’s hospital.
I can’t even begin to describe the fear and sadness I fell at this moment because my grandfather is more important to me than any words could ever express.
I can’t write about it right now because emotions are running too high. I took a 2 hour nap while my daughter slept, I’m grumpy and have cried about everything today.
I’ve tried to keep busy with Gabby to take my mind off of it. We spent the entire day playing, reading books, singing together and also, completely ignoring the incredible amount of housework that needs to be done.
I’m feeling regret for not visiting him more often and yet, I haven’t been able to make myself go see him in the hospital for fear of what I’ll see. I don’t want to see him weak or in pain and I realize that is so damn selfish because he wants to see me.
What the hell is wrong with me? I’m being a selfish coward. I need to go see him.
And I will go see him, but I’m telling you, it’s not going to be easy for me at all.
Funny how the most important things in life are always the hardest.

Saturday night was a “Girls Night In” at a friends house. A Passion Party followed by a game of poker.
The Passion Party was hilarious. Perhaps I should have taken it a little more seriously, but, there are products with the word “Nubby” in them, so, I think you can understand why it’s One Big Vagina joke to me. Don’t get me wrong, I think the products are great and the parties are awesome and everyone should have a party, but, still… NUBBY!
This time, I was tempted buy a dildo for my the dash of my van, and one to use as a “whip” to threaten my children with.
“Clean your room right now or I will whack you upside of the head with this here purple rubber penis!”
As you can see, I do not take dildos very seriously either. I’m sorry, I just can’t. Especially the one that has A FACE AND A BEAR ON IT. I know there are people who are really into those things, but, um, I’m NOT one of those people.
I do, however, take my Ben Wah Balls very seriously.
Ok. I’m lying. I absolutely do not take them seriously. Infact, I almost spit out my drink when she brought those shiny little balls out.
I was like “Ha! HA! HA! I’m sorry, ben wah balls KILL ME.”
However, as funny as SHINY METAL BALLS are, they do serve a purpose. They are used for a very important “test”. A test of tightness. No! Seriously! If you can “hold them in” for any lenght of time, then “your man is surely a happy man.”
Excuse me for one minute.
HA! HA! HAAAAAAA!
After the Passion Party, it was time for a game of poker.
I had never played poker before and to be honest, had no interest in learning how to play. I picked up my purse and was ready call it a night. But, the wimmins had other plans.
“We’ve already set a place for you. You’re so much fun, you HAVE to stay and play.”
That’s right. People think I’m fun! And they want me to stay and play poker with them!
(That gets the “Award for Blogger Who Brags About How Much Fun People Think She Is and How It Makes You So Sick You Want To Puke.”)
I was given a 2 minute crash course in poker and to the Very Awesome Poker Table we went.
I caught on pretty quickly, although, I was very annoying with all of “my questions.” How is one supposed to learn if one does not ask questions?
A few hours later, I found myself one of the last 2 players and the player with the most chips, but, in the end, I lost to someone who has played many, many times, BUT! I still won $20 for second place and had people doubting my “I have never played poker nor do I know how to play poker” story.
Don’t hate me because I’m a fast learner.
I had such an incredible time. It was the first time in a very LONG time that I didn’t have a million hangups or “issues” before going to a social event. Usually, I spend a great deal of time worrying about how fat I am, or who will be there, or if people will think I’m annoying, or if people will annoy me and so on and so forth… but Saturday night, I made a decision early in the day that I wasn’t going to think negative thoughts, or worry about stupid things like “being the only fat girl there”. I made a choice to HAVE FUN regardless of the size of my ass (which, by the way, is significantly smaller these days).
I told my husband how great it felt to let go of all of the negativity that usually keeps me from having a truly good time at most social events. He smiled and said “I’m so happy for you, baby, you are a fun person, people enjoy being around you and you should accept that and ALWAYS have fun like you did last night.”
It’s not easy for me to accept compliments, but I believed my husband when he said that, because I want to believe it.
I’m sorry, but how is it possible that a post in which I used the word “Nubby” took a serious turn? How did I allow that to happen.
That never should have happened. The serious ENDS HERE!
Howza’bout we get a little “random” instead…
Who is the GENIUS who thought “Hey! I know! Let’s make a stuffed animal WITH DETACHABLE BODY PARTS because the babies will love ripping off monkey heads and it will be a JOY for the mother’s to have to repeatedly put them back on throughout the day to stop the babies from crying because THE HEAD FELL OFF AGAIN.”? Do you know who that guy is? Because if you do, tell him I’m looking for him, I’d like to “show him” how grateful I am.
Ethan team lost another basketball game on Saturday. The brings their record to 1-6. Andrew also lost another game on Saturday, which brings his teams record to 0-7. The good news is that this is the first weekend I did not get into a fight with the refs nor did I get into a fight with the scorekeepers, so, really, everyone was a winner.
But THE REAL WINNER here will be my husband, in about 2 weeks, when a confidential black bag will arrive that will contain a very special passionate gift that I refuse to tell you about, other than to say that it is “rubber” and it is in the shape of a heart.

Hey!
Did you know I’m going to Vegas? Because, I’m going to Vegas!
I’m waiting for Joelle and Mikey to pick me up (which, is funny, because they were supposed to have picked me up at 7 this morning, so I got up all early and stuff and panicked because there was no way I’d be ready in time, but guess what? They’re not coming til 12 now! Awesome!) and as soon as they get here, off to Vegas we go!
Buffets! And slot machines! And um, “drinks”! And, maybe, just maybe, DANCING!
But? No Andrew. Or Ethan. Or Gabby.
Oh my God! I do not know if I can do this! I’ve not been away from Gabby before! I’m crying now! (ok, I’m crying again) She needs me! She needs My BOBS! She will scream and cry for me (ok, for My BOBS!) and I will not be here and she will not understand!
This hurts, man. It hurts a lot.
Everyone tells me it will be “good for me” that I need a night away, that Gabby needs to not be “so dependent” on me and that a night away from me will not kill her.
Ok. Fine. But it’s killing me right now, just thinking about it makes the tears fall from my eyes. I’ve been away from the boys before and they’re pretty much like “have fun, whatever!” about it. (Except for Ethan, he gets PISSED if I go anywhere without him, but this morning, he kissed me and said “I’ll see you tomorrow, have fun” and that made me feel good.) But my girl, my sweet girl, what is she going to do without me?
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HER?
Oh Lord, I’m crying again.
But I will be strong! And I will go and have fun! Because… VEGAS! How can I not have fun in Vegas?
Right?
RIGHT?

If my neighbors read this blog, then they are about to find out that I AM CALLING THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT ON THEM AS SOON AS THEY OPEN TODAY.
I don’t care if they know I’m the one that called. I’ll wear I shirt that says “I called the health department on my neighbors.” for the rest of the week.
I’ll shout it from my rooftop.
“I called the health department on your dirty asses!”
Just so we’re clear, I’m not calling on the one’s who Slice each other. I’m calling on the ones who are sick, disgusting, filthy, nasty PIGS. The one’s who let a man live in their RV for over a year and TAKE SHITS IN A TOILET THAT CAN’T FLUSH FOR THAT ENTIRE YEAR. The ones who collect junk and have junk, trash and more junk in every room of their house, piled so high and so wide that you literally can’t find a place to sit. Because they enjoy DIGGING THROUGH TRASH CANS TO FIND “TREASURES”
Those neighbors.
So, why am I FINALLY calling the health department on them? Because, yesterday, their son tells us that they’re going to sell their house and buy property up in the desert (which, I’ll believe it when I see it. They’ve been saying they’re going to put a new roof on for the past 8 years. ) Anyway, as he’s talking to us, he’s telling us how disgusting their house is, how it’s full of junk and casually he mentions that it’s so bad, “they have mice in the house.” He then says “My dad will set a trap, and he’ll catch 5 or 6 mice IN A NIGHT.”
Did ya get that, people? Half a dozen in one night.
If you understand how much I hate all things bug and rodent related, you’d understand the sickness I felt in my stomach at that moment.
And, you’d understand the pure terror, disgust, fear and OH MY GOD I HAVE TO MOVE THIS VERY MINUTE right this minute after hearing my husband say “Honey, we need to buy a mouse trap… I just saw a MOUSE IN THE KITCHEN.”
I immediately began to cry and panic.
“You’re joking right? PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE JOKING BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO LEAVE THIS ROOM IF THERE IS A MOUSE IN THIS HOUSE.”
He got all pissed at me, like “get a grip, woman.”
But he was more pissed at our FUCKING NEIGHBORS because this is all their fault. They have infested the ‘hood with mice. And now there is a mouse in my house and I seriously do not know how I am going to get the courage to get out of my bed and walk around this house, not knowing when a mouse may run across the floor.
We’ve never had a mouse in this house. We’ve had ants (because this neighborhood is built on a freaking ant hill),we’ve had potato bugs.) But mice? NEVER. (Ok, we HAVE had a rat in the garage, but that’s different. THAT’S OUTSIDE, NO WHERE NEAR MY FEET OR MY CHILDREN.
I’m freaking out so hard about this, that Tony asked if he needed to stay home. Inside, I was like “yes, you do, you need to stay home and hold me.” but I know he has to work so we can pay the bills (and now, THE EXTERMINATOR) so I sucked it up and told him he could go to work, that I would be ok, but that I could only hope the mouse didn’t attack our daughter whilst she casually strolls through her home that SHOULD BE FREE OF MICE.
I feel sweaty and my heart is racing because it is time for me to get off of this chair and wake up the kids. If I see the mouse, I will scream and I will cry. Is this normal? To be so upset and freaked out by a mouse? A MOUSE THAT IS WONDERING AROUND MY HOUSE?
How will I function today? I am literally paralyzed with fear right now. I should have already had the boys up, but here I sit, unable to move for fear of seeing The Mouse.

Last night I chatted a little bit with The Debster.
I’ve been crying ever since.
She just found out she has Leukemia. LEUKEMIA.
I can’t even imagine being hit with that kind of news of out NOWHERE. Me, being the psychotic wimp that I am, would not be rational or calm. Deb is SO NOT LIKE ME. She sounded strong and positive. She was in full on “I’m going to fight and WIN this battle” mode and I have no doubts she’ll do just that. But the thing that is killing me inside is that she can’t be with her daughter.
I think about it and I cry so hard for her. Again, I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for her right now. Getting hit with such drastic news and being seperated from her daughter all at once. My God.
I promised her I’d try to make her laugh as often as possible, that I’d keep in constant touch with her and that I’ll help her in any way I can. She’s going to need support, emotional and financial and I have no doubts The Internet will come through for her. (The Internet ALWAYS comes through for it’s peoples.) I also told her that I will chop all of my hair off and have a wig made out of it so that she can wear my hair! Which, um, is probably kind of creepy and is the reason she just laughed and didn’t say things like “I would LOVE to wear your hair!”
Please, keep her in your thoughts and in your prayers. Also? Please, GO, try to make the woman laugh. Shower her with love and well wishes. She needs all the love, support and Funny she can get to help her beat some Cancer Ass.